


Where The Darkness Ends

by therumandcokediaries



Series: Frostiron and Spiderson [15]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Decisions, Depression, Family Angst, Family Issues, Fertility Issues, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, IVF, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Medical stuff, Mental Health Issues, Parent Loki (Marvel), Parent Tony Stark, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, potentially some medical inaccuracies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2020-10-10 11:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 52,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20527166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therumandcokediaries/pseuds/therumandcokediaries
Summary: Story summary: The concept of having a baby has been more of an idea for a long time now. Ideal candidates for a three-person baby, Loki and Tony have finally, after many Peter-based setbacks and challenges, got to the point of being tested. Now, they just have to wait for the results before they can move on to the next stage.[[Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and so I have twisted fact a little bit to suit some ideals. The reality of 2 dad/1 mum babies born through IVF are more at concept stage, although 2 mum/1 dad babies are a reality which have the legal go-ahead in a number of countries. It’s something which scientists believe will be possible in the future, and it’s been successful in mice. As I understand it, it’s near to being given the go-ahead for human trials. Also, there are cases of people being born with 2 dads, through rare cases of embryo fusion and superfecundation, which is better read off Wikipedia than me trying to summarise it. Just adding this little note in case anyone is interested in 3 person babies]](Also FYI, while Loki is still a God in my work, my Loki is purely MCU-based, not mythology based)





	1. Picture Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again everyone. Comments welcome/encouraged for this chapter!

-

Peter frowned. He stomped into the kitchen.

“I can’t find daddy” he pouted at Tony, who was busy oiling the hinges on the kitchen cupboards. “All his shoes and stuff are here, so he can’t have gone out”

“He’s definitely still in the house” Tony said, shaking the WD-40. “Have you checked the laundry room?”

Peter blinked at him. “We’ve got a laundry room?”

Tony looked at him. “I’m sorry, how long have you lived here? Yes, we’ve got a laundry room”

“Oh” Peter said. “Where is it?”

Tony sighed. “Why don’t you go and explore downstairs for a while and see if you can find it?”

“Ok, ok” Peter said. “See you later”

“See you later, darling”

-

Peter was surprised to find that one of the doors he’d always assumed was a cupboard actually opened onto a little staircase. He trotted down the stairs, and opened the door on the left. 

He was met with quite a decent sized room. Immediately opposite the door was a washing machine and tumble dryer. There was an ironing station - something he’d never seen before - with a type of ironing board folding out from the wall, with a regular iron and a steam iron on a stand beside it. There were empty laundry baskets, a shelf of laundry detergent, and shelves of other cleaning chemicals and supplies, all neatly arranged. 

At the other end of the room, there was a little kitchenette with a sink, kettle, and microwave, a stereo, a television, and a large, soft sofa and footstool. This is where Loki was sat.

“Hey, daddy”

“Hello, sweetheart” Loki said, setting his book aside. “What brings you down here?”

“I couldn’t find you, and dad said we have a laundry room so I came to find you. And this. Which is like no laundry room I’ve ever seen” he said, looking at the Elvis clock and all the cute little vintage laundry-themed framed pictures on the walls. 

“Ah yes, well, I did try to make it homely. I spend a fair amount of time down here”

“Yeah… Am I interrupting?”

“Not at all” Loki said, standing up and putting the kettle on. “I’m just finishing some washing. Would you like a drink?”

“Um, ok” Peter said, going over to him.

He looked at the mugs Loki had got down from the little cupboard. One of them featured a washing line pattern with little blue clothes on, and the other had ‘laundry today or naked tomorrow’ written on it. It made Peter chuckle.

“Your dad bought that one” Loki said. “He thought it was funny too”

“It is a little” Peter said. 

He stood up on his tip-toes, peering at the other mugs on the shelf. One said: ‘laundry and dishes, hugs and kisses’, and the other had a cute picture of sheep on a washing line.

“I love that they’re all washing themed” Peter said. “How many mugs do you own?”

“Oh god, I don’t know. Maybe you could count them for me some time and let me know” Loki said.

He made them both a drink and they sat down on the sofa together. 

“Can I ask a really weird question?”

“Nothing has ever stopped you before” Loki said, putting an arm round the boy.

“You know when you went to get tested?”

“Mm” Loki said. “We get the results tomorrow”

“Yeah. But like, when you actually went and did it, wasn’t it like, really awkward? Like, didn’t you basically have to sit in a room and wank?”

“Peter! Your father would wash your mouth out with soap if he heard you using that sort of language” Loki said disapprovingly.

“Sorry, sorry. But like, isn’t that basically what you do? Like, have a w- um… Do _that _into a little pot?”

“You’ve been watching The Moaning Of Life again, haven’t you?”

“Maybe” Peter shrugged.

“It was a little awkward and tricky, I’ll give you that” Loki said. “It was… Well, there was a bit of pressure and it took longer than I expected. It was quite frustrating. But whatever, we got it done. One of the staff said they all call it the masturbatorium”

Peter snickered. 

“Yes, I thought you’d find that amusing. Tony certainly did” Loki shook his head. “It’s a necessary part of the process”

“Three-person babies… It’s kinda incredible, isn’t it?”

“Oh yes, definitely. We won’t be the first to have one, but it still feels like a bit of a statement. We’re eligible, and it means it’ll be biologically both of ours. As soon as we started talking about IVF, and we came across it, we knew it would have to be the three-person way. That’s part of the deal. Three-person or nothing. Our own baby”

“Mm…”

Loki looked at him. “Oh sweetheart. I’m sorry, I worded that very badly. You know that you’re just as much our baby as the IVF baby is going to be”

“I guess so”

Loki put his mug down, and moved Peter’s aside. He held the boys hands.

“Darling, listen to me. I know we’ve been through this before, but let me say it again” Loki said. “Just because the IVF baby is going to be biologically ours, that doesn’t mean it’s a replacement for you, or that you’re any less our son, or that we’ll love the baby more than we love you. It’s just another way of having a child. You’re always going to be our son, and we’ll always love you more than anything else in the universe. You’ll always be our baby”

Peter looked at him, and smiled. “I’m always gonna be your _first_ baby! And anyway, you were my dads way, way, _way _before the adoption, and there’s no denying that either!”

Loki smiled and hugged him close, pulling him onto his lap. “That’s right, baby. You’re always going to be our little baby Peter. The one and only, Peter Benjamin Parker-Stark”

Peter laughed happily, snuggling into Loki’s chest, wriggling round so he was being cradled properly.

“So, we need to start thinking of baby names now that we’re getting close to the _artificial insemination _proportion of this whole thing” Peter said. “Are you gonna look at normal nice names, or posh names, or are you gonna be stupid like Jamie Oliver and call it Rainbow or Buddy Bear?”

Loki laughed slightly. “As much as I’m sure we’d get away with it, being the way we are, we’re definitely _not _doing something like that. No, your father and I have already decided on baby names”

“Oh! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I suppose it never came up before now. We actually decided during and shortly after that whole incident with Kindsprengen’s gun”

“Oh! That’s a while ago now” Peter said. “What are the options?”

“Well, we thought Princess May for a girl, and Oliver Anthony for a boy”

Peter blinked at him. “You’d name a girl after Aunt May?”

Loki nodded. “If that was something you were comfortable with”

Peter nodded, tears pricking his eyes. “That’d be so cute”

Loki kissed him on the nose. “Don’t get all teary-eyed on me, darling”

“It’s so nice, though!” Peter said, wiping his eyes and giggling. “Princess May Stark. It’s a good name! May would be touched if she was here, I just know it… Oliver Anthony Stark is cute too. Oliver is a good name”

“Your father suggested that. He said he liked Oliver for a boy. He wanted to name a boy after me, but I didn’t think Loki made an especially good middle name. So we decided on Anthony as the middle name”

“That’s the names sorted then… It’s starting to feel so real. I can’t believe I’m gonna be a big brother!”

“You’re going to be a wonderful brother, I just know it” Loki said, retrieving their mugs and giving Peter his.

“You know what we’re gonna have to do next?” Peter said, sipping his tea.

“What?”

“The nursery” Peter said. “I know you’ve got a whole bunch of ideas”

“Oh yes” Loki said. “We’re going to do it neutral, I think. Tony and I were talking about it the other day. I wanted to do it pastel pink, and he wanted baby blue, but then we decided, if we don’t know the sex of the baby, it’s best to do it neutral. Most newborn baby stuff is neutral anyway - lots of white and yellow in the clothes and bedding especially”

“Yellow isn’t a great colour”

“Well, it’s not my favourite” Loki said. “But I wasn’t really planning on doing it heavily yellow, and it’s not like it’s _bright _yellow”

“Were you just thinking of doing everything white then?”

“Perhaps” Loki said. “White furniture, definitely. But we were thinking grey walls. Sort of a light grey, and we wanted some quite traditional artwork. We’ve been expanding the moodboard a little bit”

“Aww, that’s so cute. Can I have a look at it?”

“We’ll see”

Peter pouted. “That means no”

“Don’t you go pouting at me, young man” Loki said. “Now don’t look so put-out: you’re going to be fully involved with the actual decorating. You’ll be wonderful for painting the ceiling, considering your little spider-boy abilities”

“Why would the ceiling need painting?”

“Well, it depends which room we use. But it might be nice to paint some little pictures on the ceiling. Or put up some decals. Clouds or something like that. Something calm”

“Oh, that might be cute. And then we could paint like, a ring of yellow around the light fitting? So it could be like the sun in the middle of the room?”

“That’s a good idea. I hadn’t thought of that. I’d half-considered a yellow light shade, but I prefer your idea”

Peter smiled happily, settling down and slowly drinking the rest of his tea. Loki finished his own drink, moved their mugs aside, and wound his arms round Peter, giving him a squeeze.

“My little boy~. You’re so lovely, you know”

“I know”

-

Loki lay on the sofa with Peter on his chest for a long time. They talked quietly together, listening to the tick of the clock during the comfortable silences. 

There was a little knock on the laundry room door, and Tony cracked the door open.

“Ah, you’ve got him” he said, seeing Peter curled up with Loki. “I’ve finished those bloody squeaking cupboards. Mind if I join you?”

“Please do” Loki said, sitting up so there was room for Tony to sit down.

Tony sat down beside them. He put an arm round Loki’s shoulders and pinched Peter’s cheek.

“You found the laundry room, then”

Peter smiled slightly, but didn’t say anything. Tony stroked his cheek gently with the back of his forefinger, and looked at Loki.

“I didn’t expect you to still be down here”

“Well, I still need to change the washing over”

“Do you want me to take the sprog for a moment so you can?”

“That might be an idea” Loki said, standing up and setting Peter down on Tony’s lap.

Tony cuddled Peter close while Loki went over to the washing machine.

“What have you been up to down here?”

“We’ve just been talking” Peter said. 

“Oh. What about?”

“Well, about the baby” Peter said. “You get those results tomorrow, so it won’t be long before… Ten months, eleven months, right? And then I’ll be a big brother”

Tony smiled. “That’s right, kiddo”

“Daddy said I’ll be a good brother”

“Of course you will be” Loki said, sitting back down with them. “You’re kind and loving and good-hearted. You’ll take brilliant care of your little brother or sister - not that you’ll need to. But I know you’ll be wonderful”

“I can just imagine you playing games with your baby brother - or sister - and helping out and just being friends with them. You’re gonna be so good. Are you excited?”

Peter nodded. “Yeah, definitely! I’ve kinda got used to tiny babies after all that time I’ve spent at the hospital with daddy and Jo Jo. It’s gonna be so cute having a baby sibling, and we’ve kinda been waiting a long time. Mainly because of me”

“Hey, it’s not your fault. It’s been a rough few years” Tony said. “But whatever, it’s happening now”

“You know they say everything happens for a reason” Loki said. “Maybe this baby wasn’t ready yet”

“But it’s ready now” Tony said. “Well, soon. Just gotta get the results of this flippin’ test, and then we can go for the next bit, and hey, give it nine months, and then there’s gonna be four Stark’s in this household”

“Now now, Tony, my love” Loki said. “You know they have to do the fertility test: it’s just a formality, part of the process”

“Yeah, yeah, I know” Tony sat back, pulling Peter closer and patting his thigh gently.

“Is Pepper still gonna come and stay?” Peter asked.

“Not during the pregnancy. At least, not until the last month or so” Tony said. “We talked about it, and she said she’d much rather just live her life. We’ll do all the appointments together and she’ll come round a lot, obviously. But she doesn’t want to live here for nine months. Can’t say I blame her”

“Yeah, this is a bit of a madhouse” Peter said.

“She’s still coming to stay after the birth” Loki said. “Mainly at our insistence. Still…”

“Wait, I’m confused about something” Peter said. “With, you know, all three of you being _biologically _this babies parents, that makes Pepper mum, right? Is that gonna make things… complicated?”

“We’ve had literally years to discuss this all. Pepper does want to be involved with the baby, but casually:- she doesn’t really wanna be mother” Tony said. “At least, she doesn’t wanna be called mum, and she doesn’t want to like, have joint custody or custody battles or anything like that. She’s doing this for us. She’s essentially just a surrogate, chick. Well, obviously not _just _a surrogate: she’s our best friend too. But you know what I mean”

“I know. I think I understand” Peter nodded. “I like Pepper. She’s called me stickie kiddie last time she saw me, though”

Loki laughed slightly. “Well, you were literally on the wall”

“Yeah, that’s kinda fair” Tony said. He sighed. “As much as I love the smell of washing powder and lavender ironing water, I think me and bambino here would be a bit more comfortable upstairs”

“Well, don’t force yourself to stay on my behalf” Loki said.

“Aww, I wanna stay with daddy though!” Peter protested. “This sofas not uncomfortable”

“I can come upstairs if you want me to, sweetie” Loki said. “Dry clothes can stay in the machine when they’re done for longer than wet ones. It’s nothing pressing: I can do the ironing later”

-

Tony folded out the futon, and the family cuddled down together in a nest of pillows and blankets.

“We’re a happy little trio, aren’t we?” Loki said.

“Soon to be four!” Peter said. “So, what do you want? Boy or girl?”

“I don’t mind” Tony and Loki said in unison. 

“Just so long as it’s healthy?” Peter said.

They nodded. “Exactly”

Peter sighed, pulling his rocket and seal closer. He was glad he’d grabbed them.

“You know, when we’ve got an actual baby, are you gonna mind me being a big baby?”

“I wouldn’t have you any other way” Tony said. “You don’t have to change at all. I love you just as you are. We both do”

“You know” Peter said. “I keep finding myself drawn to the baby sections in shops now. Just like, you know, seeing what they have, seeing what we might need or want. All the stuff we’re going to be buying over the next few months”

“You really are excited about all of this, aren’t you?” Tony smiled fondly.

“Well, it’s my baby too, kind of” Peter said. “Your son or daughter, and my brother or sister. We’re just… expanding our family, right?”

“That’s right, darling” Loki said. 

“Does having four in the house mean I’m gonna have to share my cupboard in the kitchen?”

Tony laughed, turning onto his side. “Don’t be silly, chick. We’ll just shift everything around and the baby can have its own cupboard. You’re not gonna have to give up anything just because there’s gonna be another kid in the house. We’ve been through this”

“Yeah, I know, I know. I’m still just smoothing it all out in my head”

“You’re a funny little thing, chick” Loki said. “It’ll all work out soon, and we’ll know what we’re doing”

“Exactly. Don’t go getting all silly and worried about it. It’s gonna change things, of course, but it’s not gonna make a difference to your stuff or your room or anything. It’s all gonna be good changes. Aside from sleepless nights”

“You have sleepless nights anyway” Loki said. “All those hours tinkering in the lab”

“Ok, ok, point taken. Bit different though. Anyway, no use worrying about any of it. We’ll sort stuff out over the next few months, and then have a mad panic in the few weeks leading up to the birth” Tony said.

“So, tomorrow, after you get those results, what happens then?”

“Well. We talk. And we decide on a date for the next bit, which is the, uh, well, the-”

“The artificial insemination?” Peter said.

“Yeah, that” Tony said, raising an eyebrow at the boy. “So we talk, decide on a date for that, and then we attend all the checks together, the three of us - that’s me, daddy, and Pepper, not us and you - and we wait for conception. After that, it’s just the usual stuff you do with any other pregnancy. Just with a bit more of a crowded bedside”

Peter nodded, imagining positive tests and ultrasound scans and shopping for baby clothes. 

“Are you gonna find out the sex when it gets to that time, or are you gonna wait?”

“I don’t know. I guess that’s something we’ll know nearer the time. It’s a long while off, honey” Tony said.

“Daddy told me about the names you picked” Peter said. “They’re both cute. What if it’s twins? If they’re a boy and a girl, then you get Princess _and _Oliver. But what if it’s two boys or two girls? Then what? Have you got other names?”

“That’s not really something we’ve thought about” Loki said. “It’s common to have multiple pregnancies with IVF, but it’s not a given, and the clinic said it’s not as common with three-person babies. We don’t need to think about other names unless we end up in that boat”

“I’ll think for you” Peter said. “I’m sure I can come up with some decent names”

“Alright, chick, if you wanna do that, you can do that” Tony said, stroking his hair gently. “You remember what we said, right? About you?”

“Which bit? You mean about me being able to have as much or as little involvement as I want with the baby?”

“Yeah, that bit” Tony said. “This is your family. We’re not gonna shut you out. You deserve to know exactly what’s happening, when it’s happening”

Peter looked at him. “Does this mean I can help choose clothes and stuff?”

“Sure, if you’d like to. We can all go shopping together some time”

“After the conception?”

“Yeah, some time when everything’s kinda set in stone and we know what’s going on and we’ve got a timescale” Tony said. 

“There’s some very nice children’s shops I’ve been looking in the windows of in town” Loki said, resting a hand on Peter’s. “You can help us choose. Maybe you can decide on how we decorate the nursery. There’s so many different themes to choose from, and that’s generally what people do, I believe. We’ve already talked about painting”

“It’s gonna be a busy few months. But it’ll be good” Tony rested his head against Peter’s. “I’m really, really looking forward to getting started”

Loki turned onto his side and shifted closer, putting an arm round Peter and holding onto Tony’s elbow. Tony stopped stroking Peter’s hair and instead rested his hand on Loki’s arm. 

“My little family” he said. “Can you believe that this time next year, we’re gonna be sitting here with another child under our arms?”

“Two babies” Loki said. “We’ll have two babies. This one” he looked at Peter. “And the IVF baby. Two beautiful children”

“We’ve waited so long. You’ve waited even longer” Tony said. “But it’s happening, Lolly. My love. We’re gonna have a baby! And it’s gonna be great. I just keep thinking, ultrasound scans on the fridge and all the other stuff. I’ve actually got butterflies just thinking about it”

“Me too” Loki said. “I can’t believe how close we are”

Peter watched his parents. He saw how colourful they were. He saw the happy tears in their eyes and the happy, dreamy way they were looking at each other. They’d been waiting for so long. He knew that even if they didn’t blame him, it was definitely due to things that had happened with, to, and because of him that had slowed it down this much. But suddenly that didn’t really matter any more. They’d gone in for the obligatory fertility test, and tomorrow they would glimpse the results, and then plan for the next step. There’d be more appointments, which they’d recount to him, and then, slowly, the house would fill up with baby supplies, a nursery would be decorated, Pepper would get bigger and bigger, and then one day - well, Princess or Oliver would arrive. 

“Everything feels all warm and fuzzy” Peter said. “Dads..? Um, when we’re a family of four, I can still have cuddles with you two as just us, can’t I?”

“Oh sweetheart! Of _course _you can!” Loki said, kissing him firmly on the cheek. “You can still have as many cuddles as you like, same as always”

“We’re not pushing you aside, no matter what” Tony said. “We’ve got enough time and love for two children. You’ll still get every ounce of care then that you get now. And that’s a promise”

“I’ll second that” Loki said. “Besides, do you really think either of us would want to go without our Peter-cuddles? Absolutely not”

Loki sat up and pulled Peter onto his lap, cuddling him close and kissing his cheek. Tony wrapped his arms round both of them and kissed Peter’s cheek too, over and over. Peter giggled and squirmed.

“Dad!” he squeaked, trying to act like he minded. “Stop!”

“Stop being so squeezy and maybe I will” Tony smiled. “I love you so much, kiddo”

“I love you too” Peter said. “But I’d love you even more if you stopped scratching me with your stubble”

Tony laughed. “You’re definitely your father’s son, you know”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it” Peter said, hugging Loki’s arm. He sighed happily. 

“We should probably think about eating and sleeping soon” Tony said. “It’s getting on a bit, and we’ve all gotta be up in the morning”

“Aww, do I really have to go to school?” Peter whined. “Can’t I come to the clinic with you?”

“No, chick, you know you can’t” Tony said. “No, you can go to school like a good boy and then we’ll fill you in when you get back”

“Are you gonna pick me up?”

“I can’t see that being a problem” Tony said.

“I’ll come along too” Loki said. “Ok?”

Peter sighed. “Alright, alright. But you’re _sure _I can’t just pull a sickie?”

Tony laughed and pinched his nose. “Don’t even think about it, kiddo. I’ll take you to school, you’ll go about your daily business, and then we’ll pick you up from school, come back here, and probably have some kinda mini celebration”

“Ooh, can we order a takeaway?”

Tony and Loki smiled at him, and each other, and gave him a squeeze.

“Definitely”

*


	2. Curtains

-

Peter tried his luck again the next morning, He knew he hadn’t been allowed to go to the clinic at all so far, but he thought it was worth another shot. He whinged and whined and bargained for all he was worth, but his parents didn’t change their minds.

“Peter, stop” Tony said. “You know the answer is no, and it’s not going to change, not even if you whine until you’re blue in the face. You need to go to school”

“Yes, listen to your father, Peter” Loki said. “We’ll fill you in on everything you need to know tonight. Now finish your tea and go and get dressed”

Peter sighed in an exaggerated fashion. “Fine, but I’m definitely coming to the twelve week scan, even if it’s a school day”

“Go and get dressed, chick” Tony said.

“Promise me first!”

“Ok, I promise. Now go and get your uniform on!”

-

Peter and Tony chatted baby talk in the car on the way to school.

“-Oh yeah, and I’ve been reading all these Buzzfeed posts about parenting and parenting hacks and kid hacks and stuff. You know, I came across stuff you and daddy do as well. Have you been Buzzfeeding?”

Tony laughed slightly. “Not really my kinda thing, chick. Daddy definitely loves a Buzzfeed scroll though. Spends hours on it sometimes”

“Huh. Ya know, daddy’s really weird sometimes. Still, there was some cool ideas and stuff on those posts. Oh, oh! I forgot to ask you about something else”

“Oh yeah?”

“Are we gonna have a playroom? Because I was looking at these posts that had some really cool, mega, over-the-top rich-kid playrooms”

“Hmm, I hadn’t really thought about it yet” Tony said. “I think that’s something we’d need to think about a bit later. There’s no need for a playroom until the baby is older. Even when they’re at the age of playing, we’d probably just get a playpen. The whole idea of a playroom is very much an older thing. Say, maybe toddler-age. We’ll see”

“If we do at some point, can I help design it?”

“Sure. But don’t think about it too much: we’ve got a long way to go before our little three-person baby is a toddler”

“I know, I know. I think I need to slow down. I keep thinking ahead too much, like, to when my baby sibling is older. I keep thinking about the baby bits too, but I think about them older too”

“Yeah, I get that, kiddo” Tony said, turning through the gates into the grounds of St Hendricks. “I’ve thought about it too. But only a tiny bit. I’m kinda focusing on the baby stuff now. We’ll set a date for the next stage today. I know it’s been a long time coming, but it also still feels like it’s snuck up pretty fast”

“You and daddy are so excited. I am too. But I can tell you’re getting all emotional and stuff just thinking about it” Peter said. “You’ve been crying all your happy tears and looking at each other the way you did after you got engaged, and after the honeymoon, _and _after the adoption, and-”

“Adopting you was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. You’re such a brilliant little kid. I love you to bits” Tony said. “So does daddy. We’re both so, _so _lucky to have you in our lives, to have you as our son. You’re right in thinking the feeling we got back then is similar to what we feel now. We’re so excited and happy about this. It’s a pretty brilliant chance, the IVF stuff. We’ve wanted a baby for so long, and daddy has wanted one for even longer than me. It’s so cool to think it’s happening now. Family of four, kiddo”

“That means a comrade for me, you know. Two parents and two kids. Level the playing level a bit”

Tony smiled, laughing a little. “You’re so cute, kiddo”

“Ok, two parents, and two _cute _kids” Peter said. “You and dad are like, attractive men, right? My little sibling is bound to be adorable. I bet it’ll have daddies eyes”

“We’ll have to wait and see” Tony said, parking the car. 

Peter looked out over the car park. “It feels so wrong and boring to be going to school when there’s something this exciting going on at home. I feel like I should be sat in the reading nook reading baby books or looking at nursery designs or something”

“I love your enthusiasm, bambino” Tony said. “But you need to stop daydreaming, just for a few hours. You need focus on your lessons like a good little boy. Ok?”

Peter sighed. “Lessons are so boring though! We’ve got some seriously dull units going on right now. I fell asleep in class four times last week!”

“I think that’s because of your late nights” Tony said, raising an eyebrow. “Darling, you’ve still gotta focus and keep your grades up. I know you’re bubbling over a bit right now, but give focusing a go, ok? Promise me”

Peter nodded. “Alright, I promise I’ll try to focus on my lessons and stop daydreaming so much. And try to stay awake”

“Good boy” Tony ruffled Peter’s hair. “Out you get. Time for school”

“Ok, ok” Peter unplugged his belt and opened the car door, getting out and throwing his satchel on his back. “Bye dad!”

“Bye, honey”

Peter closed the door and took a few steps, but then stopped and doubled back, going to Tony’s side of the car and knocking on the window. Tony sighed slightly and wound the window down. Peter rested his arms on the ledge.

“Is the baby gonna go to the nursery at St Hendrick’s sister school?”

“Go!” Tony scoffed, but he smiled. “You can’t hang about asking questions all day. You know it’s way too soon to think about nurseries anyway”

“Ok, alright. Still…”

“Peter, go to school”

“Ok, ok, I’m going! In a minute…”

“What’s that face for?”

“I hate this bit. I know that as soon as I get through the doors, my throat will do that thing again and then my voice will hibernate until I’m back in the car at the end of the day. I know I’m better in a lot of places, but something about being at school just really scares my voice away, you know?”

“I get it, kiddo. Hey, don’t look so glum” Tony said gently, chucking him under the chin. “You’re gonna be late if you’re not careful”

“I’ve still got time…”

Tony looked at him. “…Ah, fuck it”

He undid his belt and got out of the car. Peter took an uncertain step back, and Tony pulled him close and hugged him tight, very nearly lifting him off the ground. He stroked his hair firmly and kissed him on the cheek.

“You’re such a good boy. I love you so much, darling”

“I love you too”

“You’ve really gotta go in now”

“Are you sure? It’s not too late for me to jump back in the car and go home with you”

Tony loosened his grip, looking down at the boy. “Stop trying your luck. Even if I let you come home, you couldn’t come with us to the clinic. I get that you’re excited, but we’ll clink glasses tonight, ok?”

“Ok” Peter nodded. He sighed and stood back. “I should go. I’ve gotta fight with Macy: she borrowed one of my fountain pens yesterday and didn’t give it back”

Tony smiled and ruffled his hair. “Go and get that pen back, son. You be good, and have a good day, ok?”

Peter nodded. “I will! Can I get a last hug?”

“Last hug” Tony said, giving him another hug and kiss. “Ok, now go! I’ll pick you up after school”

“Ok, see you later! Love you!”

“Love you too”

Tony shook his head fondly as Peter trotted off towards the front entrance of the school. He got back in the car, and he smiled to himself as he started the engine. Peter was a good boy, and a funny kid. If the new baby ended up growing to be even half the child Peter was, he and Loki were going to be the most blessed people on the planet.

-

Tony stopped off for a coffee before going home. He knew that Loki often went back to bed for a little bit after saying goodbye to Peter in the mornings, so he knew he wouldn’t be missed. 

He sat in the car with his cup, scrolling through the nursery designs he had saved on his camera roll. Personally, he liked the jungle theme, but he rather thought Loki would think it too masculine, or hate the cartoon-y design of the animal stickers. It wasn’t the only option, though: he quite liked the woodland theme too. There were lots of examples of huge shelves made to look like a tree and its branches, and he quite liked that. Plus, it fit with Loki’s idea of making the ceiling in the nursery look like the sky. He opened the internet and did another google search. He scrolled quite happily for a good while. He liked the idea of a little circus theme, even though the artwork was a little creepy. He also thought that Loki might like the idea of a nautical nursery. They’d talked about it a lot before, but they’d mainly just been bouncing ideas off each other, and looking at furniture more than themes. There were lots of interesting theme ideas, like mountains and various gardens and various animals and characters. Tony knew what he didn’t like, but there was so much that he _did _like, that it was hard to decide what he really wanted. But then again, he supposed he did have a good ten months to get it sorted. It wasn’t pressing, not yet. Some time soon, he’d sit down and decide something with Loki - and he was sure Peter would be happy to give his input too. 

Tony finished his coffee and threw the empty cup into the carrier bag behind the passenger seat. Well, he should probably be getting home. Maybe he’d cook breakfast for Loki. He hadn’t done that for a while. This was going to be an exciting day - why not start the good stuff straight away?

-

As Tony suspected, Loki was asleep when he got home. He hadn’t gone back to bed, but was simply reclined on the sofa in his dressing gown, looking very peaceful. Tony smiled and went out to the kitchen, not wanting to disturb him just yet. 

-

Tony knelt down by the sofa, stroking Loki’s hair and kissing him gently.

“Loki? Hey, Lolly, wake up”

Loki stirred and opened his eyes. “…Hi”

“Hi” Tony smiled. “You wanna sit up? You should have some breakfast”

“Mm, you’re probably right” Loki said, sitting up and stretching and yawning.

Tony set a tray down on Loki’s lap before he could stand up. Loki paused a moment, surprised.

“Oh! Oh Tony, you didn’t need to cook for me!”

“I wanted to” Tony said. “I cooked for myself, too”

Tony sat down beside Loki, putting the second tray on his own lap. 

“I figured we should have something proper” Tony said, picking up his fork. “I don’t know about lunch. I think I’ll probably get all weird and nervous and just have a drink or something”

“I think I may well be the same” Loki said. “At least if we have a good breakfast, lunch won’t be so much of an issue”

“We can always eat after we get back from the clinic. Our appointment’s at half one, right? So we’ll probably be back here by like, three. We can grab a snack or something before I have to go and pick up the sprog”

“That works with me” Loki said. “We might want to go out”

“Yeah, maybe. How much have you thought about dates?”

“Not too much” Loki said. “Because they told us that we can give ideas and they can give us a schedule, but we’re better off getting a little appointment that Pepper can attend so we can discuss it properly with her again. I know she gave us some vague dates, and said whatever works for us, but I still think we should go through it again, so none of us are missing something important or urgent on the day”

“Yeah, good idea” Tony said. “We’ll ring Pepper tonight and see what we can figure out”

Loki nodded. “I’m not fussed. My main commitment is Peter, and with it being term-time, that’s not too big of a worry. My only thought is sooner rather than later”

“Mine too. I kinda pick and choose my own hours to work anyway, so it’s not a bother for me. As long as Pep doesn’t have any urgent meetings, I reckon she’ll be pretty flexible. That’s what she said last time”

“She said she’d do it today if she could” Loki said. “But we all know that’s not really practical. It has to match up with ovulation”

“She said the same to me. Whatever, let’s get today’s appointment out of the way first. We can talk about the next one later”

-

Waiting was awful, so Loki and Tony passed the time doing what they’d done after Peter had gone to bed the previous night. It certainly helped, and afterwards they both had a quick shower and then dozed for a while. When they were woken up by the reminder on Tony’s phone, it was time to get ready to go.

-

They both found themselves drumming their fingers while waiting to be called in. Every second felt like a minute, and every minute felt like an hour.

“Maybe we should’ve stopped for that coffee after all” Loki said. “Being ten minutes early has never felt so frustrating” 

“I know. I bloody hate waiting” Tony sighed. He checked his watch. He looked at the clock. He checked his phone. “Four minutes, Loll”

“The fact that the test is essentially just a formality makes it worse. I’ll be glad when we’re back at the house cracking open a bottle of fizz”

“Maybe we should leave the booze until later! Especially since I’ve gotta pick little Peter up from school”

“Ok, we’ll leave the fizz until later. It’s not my favourite anyway”

“Yeah, you’ve always been more of a spirits man. Is it becau-”

“Mr’s Tony and Loki Stark?”

“Oop, that’s us!” Tony said, standing up and taking Loki’s hand. “We’ll be home before you we know it, baby”

Loki smiled and squeezed his hand. Tony smiled back. The butterflies in their stomachs were worse than ever - but somehow, it felt good.

-

As always, the consultant, Ms Maynard, greeted the Stark’s, shaking their hands and asking how they were. But the small talk didn’t last long. 

“I always think it’s best to be upfront and straight to the point with fertility tests” she said, taking her place at her desk and straightening the papers in front of her.

“Well, quick and painless works for us” Tony said. “We just wanna get this bit over with so we can get on with it. Right, Loki?”

Loki nodded. “Yes, of course”

“Tony” Ms Maynard said. “The results of your test were very good, with all of your markers being above average. Your fertility is good; there’s no doubt you have an ability to have your own biological child”

Tony nodded, smiling slightly. It was essentially the answer he’d expected, but it was still quite nice to hear. 

“Now. Loki”

Loki looked at her, waiting for her to essentially repeat herself.

“Loki” she said. “I said I’d be straight with you, so I will be. I’m afraid you may have a condition known as Aspermia. The results of your fertility test showed that you have a sperm count of zero”

For a while there was silence. The room felt strange, heavy, hot and horrible.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Tony said eventually. “That can’t be right! Are you sure you’re looking at the right results? Loki can’t be- he’s not-”

“These are definitely the right results. I’m so sorry, Loki, but this does mean that you would not be able to have biological children”

“But how?! This doesn’t make any sense!” Tony said, tears filling his eyes. 

“These things can’t always be explained. It could be something we’re not familiar with, given who and what you are, Loki, and where you’re from. We can do further testing if that’s something you want, but I will tell you there’s no guarantee we can find the cause, and there’s no cure for Aspermia”

Tony took a deep breath, his heart pounding. This couldn’t be happening; it couldn’t be right. This was just some kind of horrible dream. He looked at Loki. Loki didn’t say anything, and didn’t look back. But he’d gone horribly pale and still, and his eyes didn’t seem to be focusing. He was zoned out, but Tony could see him shaking.

“Loki..”

“I understand this is very upsetting news, and not what you were expecting to hear today” Ms Maynard said. “If there’s anything we can do to support you at this time, please do let us know. There’s people we can refer you to”

“…But… But the trial, there’s gotta be…”

“I’m so sorry, Mr Stark” Ms Maynard said. “But with results like this, I’m afraid there really is no way we can consider you for the three-parent IVF trial. I’m afraid Loki’s result make you ineligible for this type of IVF”

“But, but our baby! We’re gonna have a baby, we were gonna- oh god, this can’t be happening”

A sob escaped him, and he buried his face in his hands. He felt sick, and hot, but he’d broken out in a cold sweat. This couldn’t be happening. How could _Loki _be infertile? How could this be happening to them? They’d been through so much already, they’d waited so long - surely they deserved their baby now? How could fate be so cruel? What about little Princess May, or Oliver Anthony? Their baby had a name already, they’d started planning the nursery, they’d prepared themselves to welcome their baby into their lives - and now they weren’t eligible. Oh god, they weren’t eligible. It had been in touching distance, but now the three-parent offer had been snatched away from them. Their baby was gone before it had even had a chance to exist. 

-

“If, at some time in the future, you decide it’s an option you’d like, we’ll help organise traditional IVF” Ms Maynard said, mainly looking at Tony. 

Tony shook his head, scrubbing at his tear-stained face with his sleeve. “..It was always gonna be three… It was always gonna be both of us”

“I’m sorry the news today wasn’t different. We’ll be in touch”

-

Tony managed to calm down just enough to reach the car. Loki took the keys from him. He still looked pale and blank and unfocused, and he was still shaking, and he still hadn’t said anything. Tony didn’t protest when Loki got into the drivers seat. He flopped in the passenger seat and started crying all over again. He couldn’t believe what had happened. He couldn’t believe it - it hadn’t sunk in properly, not yet. How could this be real?

Loki kept his eyes on the road. Tony watched him. It took until they were nearly home before he managed to speak.

“Loki?”

Loki didn’t respond, but his grip tightened on the steering wheel. 

-

The house seemed far too big and empty and silent when they got back. Loki hung his coat up on the hook by the door to the garage steps. He kicked his shoes off and pushed them neatly together beneath the coats. He went to the nearest living room and slowly sat down in the middle of the sofa, halfway to the edge. He stared straight ahead, and then his eyes turned towards the ground.

Tony stood close by, watching him, biting his thumb and trying as hard as he could to stay quiet, even though he was trembling and his throat was tight and his legs felt weak and hollow and his chest hurt like someone had shoved their hand through his ribs and torn his heart out.

Loki put his hands together and rested his elbows on his knees. He rested his mouth against the side of his hands. Slowly his eyes seemed to focus a little. His face twitched, as though he was wincing. Tony stepped a little closer.

“Lolly?”

Loki swallowed. He inhaled deeply through his nose. He swallowed again. His eye twitched. He closed his eyes, bending his head more. His face crumpled, and his shoulders started to shake.

“Loki..! Oh, Loki!”

Tony rushed over and threw his arms round his husband. Loki clung to the back of Tony’s coat as best he could with shaking hands. Tony held Loki tight, but he was shaking too, and he couldn’t even stop crying enough to speak now. He just held onto Loki and sobbed into his shoulder, while Loki howled into his. How had everything come crashing down like this? Tony felt sick, and the pain in his chest was turning into a tightness. He couldn’t breathe. He knew he should try to focus on breathing evenly, and tell Loki to do the same, but it seemed so pointless. If they were going to have panic attacks, then so be it. Why stop it? Stopping it wouldn’t fix things. It wouldn’t change the results of the test. It wouldn’t suddenly make them eligible for the three-person baby they’d been planning for. Their baby… Stopping this, calming down, it wouldn’t give them their baby. Tony felt so weak, and it was something of a relief when they fell onto their sides on the sofa, entwined in each others arms, anguished and scared and helpess.

It felt like a death.

-

Peter hugged his girls goodbye and went trotting over to his usual pick-up point. He was surprised and a little confused to see Happy. He climbed into the back seat of the car, looking at him. He quite liked Happy, but he couldn’t always speak to him, especially when they were alone together.

“Hi, kid”

Peter nodded. He opened his mouth, trying hard to choke out some words. Happy didn’t seem to be paying attention, and he started the car. Peter kept trying. 

‘Come on, Peter! It’s only Happy. You can talk to him’ he thought. 

“…W…wh…”

“Nearly” Happy said gently.

Peter furrowed his brow, annoyed at himself. He hated this bloody condition sometimes. He tried harder, and eventually managed to make another sound.

“Wh… Why..?”

He managed the one word, and then his throat went all silly and tight again, and he sighed, turning his head away and covering his mouth with one hand, upset with himself.

“Alright, don’t hurt yourself” Happy said. “Tony asked me to get you”

Peter looked up, looking at him. Tony had promised he’d pick him up. It wasn’t like him to break that kind of promise. Maybe he’d gotten overexcited after their appointment at the clinic and gotten drunk.

“Listen, kid” Happy said, awkwardly. “I think your parents are gonna need you to be really good for them today. Can you do that?”

Peter nodded. He was always good. Well, not _always_, but most of the time. He felt it was a bit odd for Happy to bring it up. But then, truth be told, Happy _was _a bit odd. Not that Peter would ever tell him that. 

“It’s not my place to tell you what the situation is” Happy continued. “If your parents wanna tell you, then they will”

Peter lowered his hand. Of course his parents would tell him! They told him everything, and today was something they’d been excited about for a little while now. They were going to be celebrating tonight, so of course they’d have things to tell him. Happy really didn’t have a clue about the Stark’s sometimes.

-

Peter rushed up the garage steps as soon as they were out of the car. Happy ran after him, and caught him on the landing, grabbing his collar.

“Don’t go running about like that!” he hissed.

“My daddies won’t mind” Peter said, his voice suddenly recovered by the comfort of being home.

This was one of Peter’s slightly-mean little tricks. If there was just one thing Happy knew about this household, it was that all Peter had to do was shuffle his feet and blink his puppy-dog eyes and hold his arms out to _his _daddies, and his parents would do virtually anything for him. Happy sighed. He wasn’t in the mood for bargaining with him today.

“Maybe you should go and get changed” he said.

“I wanna see my daddies first” Peter said, shrugging his satchel off and letting it fall to the floor. “Are you gonna let go of my collar? Dad doesn’t like my coat and uniform getting messed up, you know”

“I know” Happy let go of Peter’s collar and instead rested his hand on the boys shoulder. “Listen, you parents got some news today. Maybe-”

“I know”

“MAYBE” Happy repeated. “Maybe you should give them some space”

Peter pouted at him. “…They’re in the living room, right?”

Happy sighed. He was too beaten down to try to convince him to steer clear.

“I’ll take you”

-

Happy took Peter through to where his parents were. Peter felt a little funny as soon as he walked into the room. Maybe it was just nerves. He looked over at the sofa where his parents sat. He could only see them from before, of course, but he could see that Tony had his arm round Loki’s shoulders, and he could see their trembling forms - and he could hear them crying.

“Dads?”

Tony froze and craned round, frantically wiping the tears from his face, even though they were very quickly replaced with more. He looked at Peter. He swallowed, and looked at Happy.

“Happy, can you..?”

“Sure” Happy said gently, going over and taking Tony’s place on the sofa.

Peter blinked a bit. “Wh-what’s going on? Has something happened? Daddy?”

Something was wrong here, dreadfully wrong: he could sense it. Tony came and put an arm round Peter.

“L-lets go and talk” he said. 

“What about daddy?”

“He’s with Happy”

Peter looked behind him for a moment, but Tony ushered him out of the room quickly. Peter looked up at his dad. He could feel the heat radiating off him. He could see him shaking, and he could see his red eyes and his flushed cheeks. What was going on? Suddenly his tie felt much too tight.

-

Tony sat Peter down in a chair on the landing and knelt down in front of him. He held the boys hands, rubbing his knuckles gently with his thumb while he tried to find the words. 

“Dad, why are you and daddy crying? Did Pepper pull out? Because you know there’s loads of surrogates around, an-”

“It’s not that” Tony interrupted softly. He closed his eyes for a moment and then wiped them on his sleeve. “Darling…”

“You went to the clinic today, didn’t you?”

Tony nodded. “Sweetheart, just let me speak”

Peter swallowed, tears filling his eyes. His heart was thumping in his chest, and he could feel his pulse beating in his neck. Maybe someone had died or something. Whatever it was, it was scary. He hated seeing his parents upset.

“Sweetheart… You know we got the test results today? And you know we always said it was just a formality, and everything was gonna be fine?” Tony swallowed hard, and looked at the boy. “My results were good. But daddy’s… Weren’t”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Oh Peter…” Tony closed his eyes for a moment, more tears dripping down his cheeks. He opened his eyes again. “Daddy can’t have children”

“…But, but, but what about the baby?”

Tony swallowed hard. “There’s not gonna be a baby”

“But, but there has to be! We’ve been planning for it, and we’re ready, and I’m gonna be a big brother! I’m gonna be a brother-”

“Oh sweetheart-!”

Tony pulled him close, holding him desperately, and starting to cry all over again. Peter started crying properly, trying to bury himself in Tony’s chest. Tony held him tighter, one hand on the back of his head. 

“It’s not fair..!” Peter wailed. “Our family of four-!”

“I know, I know, it’s so sad and horrible” Tony sobbed, kissing him hard on the temple. “Oh, Peter… I’m so sorry”

Peter just cried harder, because he could never bear seeing Tony cry. 

“We’re gonna be ok” Tony wept. “We’re gonna be ok, I promise”

“You can’t know that! This is all daddy wanted!”

“I know. I know” Tony held Peter tighter still. “We’ll get through this together, I promise”

-

Peter insisted he wanted to see Loki once he’d calmed down a bit. Tony wasn’t so sure, but Peter was faster than him. He went after him. Loki was still crying into Happy’s chest. 

“Peter, I don’t think this is a good idea” Tony said thickly.

“I want my daddy! He’s my daddy and I wanna be with him”

Tony put an arm out to stop him rushing over, but he was conflicted. He didn’t know how Loki would feel about Peter seeing him like this. He didn’t know who needed him more. He didn’t really know what to do. Everything was so fuzzy and confusing after so much crying - crying that hadn’t really stopped.

“I need you to go and get changed” he said weakly. 

“I want daddy!”

Tony looked at Happy, who nodded. Tony left Peter and swapped places with Happy, pulling his husband close. Peter went to go over, but Happy caught hold of him.

“You heard your dad. You’ve gotta get changed. Come on”

“No! I wanna-”

“Remember what we said in the car” Happy said firmly, putting an arm round Peter.

Peter shook him off and tried to run over to the sofa again, but Happy grabbed him.

“Hey, come with me”

“NO!”

Happy knew Peter was making it worse for Loki, so he took hold of the boy and threw him over his shoulder.

“No, no, put me down! I wanna be with my dads! This is _my _family; I’m their baby, put me down!”

Loki held tighter to Tony. He knew Peter wasn’t being insensitive, but just hearing the ‘b’ word hurt so much. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t believe he was so broken.

-

Happy put Peter down once they were in his room. Peter tried to run again, but Happy stopped him.

“Don’t. Your parents need some time alone”

“This isn’t fair!” Peter howled. “It’s not fair, they’ve waited so long for this! It can’t be real, they’re gonna have a baby! I’m gonna be a big brother!”

Happy watched him. He’d known Peter for so long now, longer than Loki, but he still wasn’t always sure how to act around him. Kids were a bit of a mystery, and none more so than this one. He knew this was horrible. It felt like he’d been told about a death when Tony had rang him. He knew how much having this baby had meant to the Stark’s, and he knew how much today’s results were going to hurt them. Peter was a Stark too. Happy sighed and hugged the boy close.

“You need to breathe, kid”

Peter didn’t bother trying. He just clung to Happy and cried, feeling far too hot in his school uniform and coat. He didn’t know exactly what he was feeling. He hadn’t seen Tony cry like that since they’d lost May. He supposed it was a loss, and it felt so horribly unfair. This couldn’t be happening, it just couldn’t.

-

Once Peter had calmed down, Happy managed to coax him out of his uniform and into some normal clothes. He looked much softer and smaller out of his private school clothes and in his jeans and hoodie. Happy sat down beside him on the bed and put an arm round his shoulders.

“I know it’s horrible” he said. 

Peter swallowed. “…I’ve been looking forward to being a big brother for so long… We’re not having a baby, are we?”

“Your parents can’t do the three-person baby, not with Loki’s results” Happy said carefully. 

“It always had to be three” Peter said. “That’s what they were always gonna do. And now they can’t”

“No, they can’t. I know you’re upset, but you know, infertility isn’t as uncommon as you think”

“How can _daddy_ be infertile?! He’s a god, right? Surely that should put him above us?”

Happy sighed. “I’m not a medical man or a mythologist. You’re just gonna have to accept this. If nothing else, at least this wasn’t their only chance”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Peter snapped. “There’s no way they can have a baby that’s both of theirs now! All of the planning and hoping and all the other stuff has just gone to waste! It’s not _fair_! Why did it have to happen to _us_? Haven’t we been through enough?!”

“I’m not good at this kinda stuff, you know that” Happy said. “What I meant was, well… at least they’ve got you, right?”

Peter stopped for a moment. “…That’s not really a consolation. Daddy would probably slam you through a wall if you tried telling him that”

“I watch far too many dramas” Happy said. “If they’ve taught me anything, it’s that you’ll be a comfort to them while they come to terms with this. All it means is you’re gonna stay a family of three”

“Things were finally looking up, Happy. Everything was so perfect, and now we’ve had _another _horrible thing happen. Daddy Loki’s wanted a baby as long as I’ve known him. This will kill him”

“It’s been a blow to both your parents. They’re absolutely devastated, I’ll give you that. It’s alright for you to be upset too”

“…I’ve gotta stay in here now, haven’t I?”

“That’s probably a good idea” Happy said. “They’re gonna need a lot of time to talk”

Peter nodded slightly. He knew he didn’t have a choice.

-

Peter fell asleep for a while. He was woken up by FRIDAY, and he went through to the kitchen. Tony was there alone, still shaking, and looking very pale and sad. He was still sniffing a bit.

“Hey, kid” he said quietly.

“Is Happy gone now?”

Tony nodded.

“Where’s daddy?”

“He’s… taking a few minutes to himself. Do you want something to eat? It’s kinda past teatime now”

“I’m not hungry” Peter said.

He felt dreadfully empty, but not because of hunger. Tony nodded slightly. He swallowed, staring at nothing for a while before looking over in Peter’s direction.

“Do you wanna go and see daddy?”

-

Loki was sat on his bed, still crying quietly - just tears dripping down his cheeks. He didn’t look up when the bedroom door opened. He was looking down at something in his hands. As Tony and Peter approached the bed, they saw that it was a tiny white baby sleepsuit.

“Oh sweetheart…” Tony said, crawling onto the bed to sit beside him.

“I know we were going to wait” Loki said thickly. “I managed to control myself most of the time, but I kept seeing this and I just couldn’t resist. I didn’t think it would do any harm…”

He kept looking at the sleepsuit. So often he’d imagined dressing his tiny baby in it - but now it would never be worn. It would stay limp and soft with the tags on forever. 

Tony put his arms round Loki, resting his head on his shoulder. Peter slipped out of the room and returned a minute later.

“I didn’t have proper self control either” he said.

He sat on the edge of the bed and showed his parents the tiny fluffy teddy bear he had. It had a baby bottle stitched onto one paw. Loki reached out a hand and touched the teddy gently. 

“I-uh… I’ll just be a minute” Tony said.

He left the room and returned soon after, resuming his position on the bed.

“Looks like none of us have much self control” he said awkwardly.

He revealed what he held: a little traditional wooden baby rattle. He shook it gently, listening to the beads settling. 

“I kept it hidden in case you saw it and told me off” he said. “I couldn’t wait either. I thought just one thing would be fine…”

The family looked at the three lovingly chosen baby items until they couldn’t see through their tears. Loki carefully lay the little sleepsuit back in the middle drawer of his bedside table. Peter paused, and then set the little teddy bear down with it. He gently took the wooden rattle from Tony and set that in the drawer too. He left it open. He swallowed hard. He just wanted to wake up and find that all of this was a dream.

“…Peter?”

Peter looked up and saw Loki holding an arm out to him. Peter started blubbing, and crawled onto Loki’s lap. Loki held him tight and started crying properly again. He didn’t bother trying to muffle it: he just cried, hating himself, hating everything about this. Tony put his arms round both of them, and they stayed close, sobbing and crying horribly until exhaustion caught up with them, and they fell asleep in a tear-stained heap.

*


	3. Teenage Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating! I've just started a new job, and it's in a place with patchy Wifi, and I'm still getting settled and sorting a routine, etc. Still, I've got a bit of a writers boost now, so I'm gonna try to update at least weekly if I can! I hope you enjoy the chapter! Comments/questions welcome

-

Tony tried incredibly hard to put on a brave face. He let Loki sleep, and he got up and found some clean school uniform and checked Peter’s satchel, and then woke Peter up and told him to get ready.

“I-I don’t want to go to school today” Peter said as he stood shivering in the kitchen.

“Your education is important” Tony said, pressing a mug of tea into the boys hands and setting a plate down on the breakfast bar. “Eat. You need the strength”

“I’m not really hungry…”

“Well, just eat what you can” Tony said.

Peter was feeling too drained to protest too much, so he reluctantly did as he was asked. Everything tasted the same; of not very much at all. It was hard to swallow. He only managed a few mouthfuls before he had to give up. 

“…I’m sorry”

“Try again at break time” Tony said. “Finish your tea and go and get dressed, ok, darling?”

Peter nodded. Drinking he could just about manage, although it was a bit of a struggle, and he started to feel a bit sick. He really didn’t feel up to going to school, but he didn’t want to argue with Tony. He didn’t feel strong enough, and he knew Tony didn’t either.

-

Tony tried so hard to act like everything was ok, but he and Peter both knew it wasn’t. Peter wasn’t surprised when Happy arrived to take him to school, but he was a little put-out. 

“Morning, kid” Happy said gently. “Ready to go?”

Peter nodded slightly. Tony handed Peter’s satchel to Happy and then turned to face the boy.

“You be good today, ok?”

Peter nodded, and Tony pulled him close and hugged him tight. Peter could feel him shaking, and he hugged him back just as tight. He really, really didn’t want to go. He felt so weak and scared and upset. He just wanted to stay home with his dads. He didn’t feel strong enough to face anyone, not even the bunnies. Truth be told, he could think of nothing worse than going to school under these circumstances. It was going to be a horrible day, he just knew it.

-

Happy kept an eye on Peter in the rear view mirror on the way to school.

“You look tired” he said eventually, if only to break the heavy silence.

Peter just nodded and wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

“Hey, you’re not allowed to do that” Happy said. “You know how precious everyone is about your uniform”

Peter pulled the handkerchief out of his front blazer pocket. He didn’t use it; just held it in his hands, rubbing the embroidery with his thumb. He couldn’t do this. He felt so sick. He couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. He couldn’t stop thinking about how it had felt. He couldn’t stop thinking about how similar it felt to losing May. He couldn’t stop thinking about his parents. And he couldn’t stop thinking about those three little baby items in Loki’s bedside table drawer.

“You need to compose yourself. Be good for your parents sake, ok?” Happy said as he parked the car. 

Peter didn’t say anything, and he made no effort to move. Happy turned round to look at him properly.

“I get it” he said. “I know it’s horrible, but you’ve still gotta carry on with your life. Go and see your friends and do your schoolwork; take your mind off it. I’m heading back to yours and it’ll probably be me picking you up after school, ok?”

Peter wiped his eyes and shoved his handkerchief back into his pocket. He took a deep breath, picked up his satchel, and clambered out of the car. He knew he didn’t have a choice.

-

School felt far too bright and loud and energetic after the night Peter had had. He felt absolutely dreadful. A part of him wanted to turn and run. He could get a taxi home if he felt his legs wouldn’t carry him far enough - but he didn’t want to cause trouble, not at a time like this. He just had to get through the day. Just five lessons. And a fifteen minute break. And the lunch hour. And the five minute moving times between lessons. That wasn’t really so much. He could do that - couldn’t he?

Peter was still a bit of a crybaby at school anyway, so no one really asked any questions or got too worried when they saw his red eyes and the tears dripping down his cheeks. The bunnies gave him a little cuddle, and Flo offered him one of her silk handkerchiefs, but everyone else chose not to draw attention to Peter’s upset. It was a relief, really, Peter thought. If anyone asked him what was wrong, he knew he’d crack and break down in floods of noisy tears. He wanted to avoid that if at all possible. 

He couldn’t concentrate on lessons at all. He was so zoned out that he didn’t even hear the register being called, and Millie had to tap her pen so the teacher wouldn’t notice that he was distracted. He couldn’t concentrate on the conversations the girls were having during that lesson, or at break. He remembered Tony telling him to try eating again at break, so he nodded at the daily bagel offer, but he only managed a couple of little bites before he had to stop and offer the rest to the girls. Flo noticed something was definitely wrong, but she didn’t say anything. She saw the way Peter kept his eyes down, and she saw the way he fiddled with the hem of his blazer and played with his tie to keep his hands busy. Whatever was bothering him, it had to be something serious. But Flo also knew that it was none of her business, and it wasn’t her place to ask about it.

-

Somehow, Peter managed to stay relatively composed until second lesson. The teacher was a little late, and Peter’s heart sunk when he remembered it was biology, and that they were studying the human life cycle. He felt sick, and hoped that today’s lesson wouldn’t be what he feared.

All things considered, Peter felt it was foolish of him to think he might get just a little stroke of luck. He closed his eyes for a moment when the teacher brought up the first slide of a PowerPoint titled ‘The Human Life Cycle - Fetal Development’. He could feel the tightness in his throat getting worse, and he could feel the pressure in his jaw and behind his eyes.

“Master Stark, are you with us?”

Peter opened his eyes and nodded. Ms Masters was usually quite a laid back teacher in terms of class contribution, so maybe he could get away with not listening to the lesson. Maybe.

The thing was, he couldn’t _help _but listen: he heard every word, saw every diagram, and he felt worse and worse by the second. He clenched his fists under the desk. He was being silly. He shouldn’t be crying in a science lesson. Little diagrams and scientific facts shouldn’t be upsetting him. He be ok if he could only calm down, and breathe.

But he couldn’t. He really felt like he was going to be sick at any moment. He felt Flo’s hand on his, and was momentarily distracted.

“Are you ok?” Flo whispered.

Peter looked away and quickly moved his hand away, half shielding his face. He pretended to be making notes, despite holding the pen in the wrong hand and with the lid on. He hadn’t even gotten round to writing the date, so his blank page didn’t hold much conviction of his pretence. 

He glanced up at the board, and saw a series of ultrasound scans projected there. Well, thinking about those, seeing something he’d expected to hold in his hand in a couple of months time, that was all it took for him to crack. He let his pen fall and covered his face with both hands, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed. 

“I’ll give you all a few minutes to finish your notes” Ms Masters said, moving back a slide on the presentation.

Everyone obediently went back to their notes, although many of them kept an eye on what was going on. Ms Masters knelt down in front of Peter’s desk.

“Peter?” she said. “Peter Stark, look at me when I’m talking to you”

Peter dropped one hand, but kept his mouth and nose covered with the other. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her directly. He could hardly see through his tears anyway.

“What’s going on with you today, Peter?”

Peter shook his head slightly. Ms Masters sighed. She kept her voice low.

“Do you want to step outside?”

Peter nodded.

“Do you want us to call your parents?”

Peter hesitated, and then nodded and started crying harder. Ms Masters nodded.

“Ok. Step outside now”

Peter hated the feeling of everyone watching him as he skirted round the desk and out of the room. It felt like he couldn’t even walk properly.

“Flo, gather Peter’s things” Ms Masters said.

Flo did as she was asked and then stood by the teachers desk, waiting until she was handed a green slip.

“The office will do the rest. Take him down to reception and don’t argue when you’re sent back. Do you understand?”

Flo just nodded. 

-

Flo held Peter close as they sat on plastic chairs in reception, waiting for whatever was going to happen next. 

“You don’t have to tell me what’s going on” Flo said. “Just promise you’ll tell _someone_, ok? I can’t stand seeing you so upset”

Peter heard footsteps and held tighter to Flo. 

“Florence, you can go back to your class now” 

Flo looked up, a little surprised to see the headmaster there. She didn’t want to leave Peter, but she didn’t want to risk getting into trouble either. She gave Peter one last squeeze, kissed him on the cheek, and then hurried off. 

Mr Pipe-Fowler looked down at Peter.

“Why don’t we step into my office, Master Parker?” he said. “I think we need to talk”

-

Peter had been in Mr Pipe-Fowlers office a number of times before, and it always set him on edge, even when he wasn’t in trouble. He didn’t want to be in there. Especially now, with his whiteboard on his lap and Mr Pipe-Fowlers eyes fixed on him.

“You can talk to me, Peter” he said again. “Something has obviously happened. If you tell me what it is, maybe I can help”

Peter kept his eyes on his whiteboard. Mr Pipe-Fowler would never understand, and there was no helping this. He couldn’t just wave his hand and make everything ok again. Besides, it was none of his business. Peter didn’t want to tell him, and he wouldn’t be forced into it either.

Mr Pipe-Fowler sighed. “Whatever it is, it’s clearly knocked you for six. I’ve already had a couple of emails about you this morning from concerned members of staff”

Peter remained quiet. He’d been issued a green slip by Ms Masters. Why couldn’t he sit undisturbed in the green room until Happy got here? Why did he have to sit and be verbally prodded by the headmaster?

Just as he thought it, there was a knock on the door. Peter looked round as the door opened, preparing himself to nod at Happy - and was surprised to find Tony stood there.

“Mr Stark”

“Hi again” Tony said tiredly. “Peter? Are you alright?”

Peter looked away quickly, burying his face in his hands. Tony sighed sadly, silently, and sat down on the chair beside him.

“They were kinda brief on the phone. Is he in trouble?”

“No” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “But teachers have raised concerns about him today. I’m told he’s been very upset today, and then there’s this”

He handed the green slip to Tony. Tony read it over carefully, and sighed.

“Oh sweetheart…”

He handed the slip back. 

“Peter won’t talk to us or tell us what’s wrong. Am I right to assume you know what might have caused this?” The headmaster said, unable to look past the obvious beaten-down, fatigued look on Tony’s face and in his eyes.

Tony nodded, swallowing hard in a futile attempt to keep his eyes free from tears. 

“…We… Well, we had some pretty horrible news yesterday. I guess we’ve all taken a blow…”

The headmaster nodded, glancing at Peter, who still had his hands over his face.

“Am I to authorise a period of compassionate leave?”

Tony swallowed, looking at his sons shaking shoulders. “…I think that might be a good idea”

-

Peter kept his face hidden for most of the journey home. Partly because he was annoyed and embarrassed with himself, and partly because seeing Tony wiping tears from his face every few seconds was too heartbreaking to watch.

-

Tony swallowed his tears and helped Peter when they got back to the house. He helped him out of his uniform and into something more comfortable.

“Where’s daddy?” Peter asked shakily.

“He’s with Happy” Tony said. “He’ll be ok without us”

“I didn’t manage to eat at break. I tried, I really did, but I just-”

“Hey, it’s ok. It’s ok” Tony said. “What do you want to do now?”

Peter looked at him and started blubbing.

“Oh sweetheart” Tony sat down on the bed and pulled the boy onto his lap. “Alright sweetheart, alright. I know. I know”

“It’s not fair!!” Peter cried. “Why did this have to happen to daddy?! Why can’t daddy have kids when all those people who abuse their kids can? We’d all been waiting so long for this and now it’s not gonna happen. It’s not fair!”

Tony held Peter tighter. “It’s just the way it is. We can’t change it”

“Well I wish we could!”

“So do I” Tony buried his face in Peter’s curls. “So do I..!”

-

There was a knock on Peter’s bedroom door, and the door cracked open.

“Hi” Happy said. “Loki’s asleep”

Tony nodded, slowly sitting up. “So’s Peter…”

“He’s taking this really badly”

“He wanted the baby too” Tony swallowed hard and stood up, carefully laying a blanket over Peter. “Happy… can we talk?”

“Sure” Happy said. “Wanna go to the back room?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah”

-

Happy put his mug down. “I don’t think Loki’s that kind of person”

“How can you know that? _I _don’t even know that. We never even prepared for this possibility, so how can we know how to react? It feels different to what I thought it would. It really does feel like a death, you know”

“Yeah, I know. Having a little Stark baby had just kinda turned into a fact. Even I’m upset, and I wasn’t really involved”

Tony looked down into his mug. “What if I’m right, Happy?”

“What if you’re not? You know as well as I do that that’s only one possibility. He could go the other way and end up being overprotective and dote on him even more than he already does”

“I know, and that doesn’t worry me. It’s the not knowing: it’s a risk… I mean, if Loki _does _turn on Peter, what can I do? I mean, they both need me. How do I decide who to put first?”

“You’ll put Peter first” Happy said. “If Loki turns on him and blames him like all these studies you’ve been quoting, and if he starts hurting him, you’ll put Peter first, because he’ll need you to protect him. Loki’s old enough to look after himself, and he’s got more than just you looking out for him. Peter needs you more. I think you know that”

Tony nodded. “We can’t have a baby, but we’ve still got Peter. He’s still our son. We’ve gotta be thankful for that, right?”

“You’ve loved that kid since way before he was your son. You’re lucky to have him, and he’s lucky to have you. He’s a good kid, but you know he’s gone through some pretty terrible stuff and he’s still a bit mixed up from it all. He needs you to look out for him. He’s too selfless to defend himself properly with people he’s close to, especially if he feels guilty about it. You know what he’s like”

“Sometimes it sounds like you know him even better than I do”

“I’ve known him almost as long as you. Sure, I haven’t spent as much time with him, obviously, but I like to think I know the kid. To some extent. I still know I’d have absolutely no idea what to do if I was left in charge of him. He’s pretty tricky when he’s in a bad mood, and he can be kinda overbearing if he’s all giddy”

“I’ll have to try to keep an eye on things. I’ll have to think of what to do if everything goes badly. Maybe I could send him away for a bit or something”

“Peter hates being away from home. I don’t think that’s a good idea. I know you’ve got a good social worker, but still”

“…I think I need to go to sleep for a bit”

Happy smiled sadly. “Go on. I’ll hold down the fort if either of those two wake up”

“Thanks…” Tony stood up slowly. “Come and get me if there’s any problems, ok?”

“I will. Go to sleep”

-

Peter felt dizzy and horrible when he woke up. He picked up his phone. He had five texts, one from Millie, one from Macy, and three from Flo, checking how he was. He didn’t feel strong enough to reply just yet. He put his phone down and sat up. He felt he should probably get up. Besides, he wanted his dads. He wondered if Happy was still about.

-

Happy was still there, but that wasn’t what Peter noticed. He didn’t know what had happened while he was asleep, but Loki and Tony were in a bit of a state. He hadn’t really seen Loki much, and suddenly he really, really wanted him. Happy tried to stop him, grabbing hold of him. 

“Leave them”

Peter looked at his parents. Loki was crying so wretchedly into his hands. Tony was crying too, his hands on Loki’s shoulder, his face buried there too. Everything was horrible and Peter was part of this family. He was feeling the same thing.

“He’s MY dad and I want him!” 

Peter broke free and rushed over to the sofa. He went to hug Loki - and Loki hit out at him, knocking him in the chest so that he fell back onto the rug. He sat in shock for a moment, but he barely had time to register what had happened, because as soon as Loki realised what he’d done, he grabbed the boy and pulled him close, hugging him tight against his chest and kissing him hard on the cheek.

Tony watched them for a moment, his heart thumping, and then looked up at Happy.

“C-can you..?”

Happy nodded and took Tony’s place on the sofa. Tony gave Loki and Peter both a quick kiss on the forehead, and then slipped out of the room.

-

Ok, so it might have been an accident. It was probably reflex, not anger or Loki being malicious. But he’d hit out at Peter, and Tony had heard the little noise of pain Peter had made. Intentionally or not, he’d hurt him, and Tony couldn’t stand by and ignore that. Accident or not, it was scary, and Tony couldn’t take the risk.

He found Peter’s big suitcase, the one with the iridescent surface and the rocket luggage tag. He looked round Peter’s room, trying to figure out what he’d need on the daily. Some of it was obvious; clean clothes and toiletries, his school uniform, his school shoes, regular shoes, his laptop and phone and their respective chargers. His satchel could just go alongside the case. Tony dithered a bit over some things. He didn’t bother with pyjamas, knowing Peter hated them, but he put his dressing gown and slippers in. He grabbed a handful of books from the shelf, not really bothering to look at titles. He looked at Peter’s bed, and packed his rocket and his old white seal and his Peter Rabbit. That’d have to do for now. He could always grab him more stuff later. He just had a few more things to put in.

-

Tony put Peter’s suitcase and his school bags in the boot of one of the cars. He felt sick and his hands were shaking as he picked up his phone, but it had to be done. He knew that. He took a deep breath, and pressed the call button.

-

Tony sent Happy a text when he went back into the living room. Happy checked it, making sure Loki and Peter couldn’t see. He read it, looked at Tony, and nodded. Happy held tighter to Loki while Tony took hold of Peter with an arm round the chest. Peter whined and clung to Loki.

“Shh, there now, I’ve got you” Tony said, carefully detaching the boy from Loki and lifting him up. 

He held his breath, but Loki was crying so much that grabbing onto Happy was enough for him to console himself with losing the little person in his arms. Tony hated to leave him, but he trusted Happy, and he had to put Peter first.

-

Tony set Peter down on his feet in the corridor. Peter whimpered, trying to break away and go back to Loki, but Tony kept hold of him.

“Shh, darling, hey, stop it” Tony said gently. “Alright sweetheart, look at me now”

Peter held onto Tony’s arms, looking towards the closed living room door, tears flooding his eyes. 

“Sweetheart, I need you to be really good and brave for me, ok?”

Peter looked at him, blinking.

“I need you to be good, and do as you’re told, no questions asked, ok?”

Peter swallowed, thinking, and then nodded.

“Good boy. Go and get your trainers and jacket on”

Peter went over to the hooks by the door leading to the garage. He could feel Tony watching as he pulled his jacket and shoes on. His hands were shaking, and he struggled with the laces. 

“Here” Tony knelt down and tied Peter’s trainers for him. “Ok darling. We’re going downstairs now”

“Why?”

“I said no questions” Tony said gently. “Come on”

Peter took a step back, looking at Tony cautiously. Something was wrong here. 

“I don’t want to”

Tony sighed and lifted Peter into his arms. Peter struggled, trying to get down.

“I don’t want to!”

“Peter, stop it. Please, I need you to be really good” Tony said thickly. “Please, just be good for a little while longer”

Peter hated knowing Tony was about to cry. He didn’t have the heart to fight him, but he wasn’t happy about it. He rested his chin on Tony’s shoulder, trying to stay calm - but his heart was thumping hard, and he felt sick and shaky. He didn’t know what was happening, but whatever it was, he knew he wouldn’t like it.

-

Tony strapped Peter into the front seat. 

“Dad?”

Tony forced himself to look at him. 

“I’m scared”

“Don’t be scared” Tony said. “There’s nothing to be scared about. Everything’s gonna be fine, I promise”

Peter didn’t believe him. He stayed in his seat without further protest, but he felt sick, and he was certain he was right to be scared. Something was setting his senses off, and he knew it couldn’t be good. 

Tony climbed into the drivers seat and started the car. Peter watched him carefully as they drove off. Tony didn’t look at him, not once, and he didn’t say anything either. Peter tried to figure out what might be going on, but he was so mixed up and upset and scared that he couldn’t even begin to imagine. All he knew for certain was that Tony was upset, and that he knew that whatever it is he was doing was going to upset Peter. That much was evident. Peter just wished there were a few more clues. He hated not knowing what was happening. 

-

Peter felt more and more sick the further they got from the house. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing and maybe drift off into a daydream where everything was ok again. He wished it was that simple. If only he could escape into his dreams, maybe things wouldn’t be so scary any more. 

*


	4. So Much To Lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the great comments people left on the last chapter! This next chapter is a bit mixed up, but hopefully it works and you like it anyway!

-

Peter was so mixed up and confused, and too blinded by tears to even try to comprehend where he was, let alone what was happening. What little he could see through his tears seemed so unfamiliar, unrecognisable even.

The car journey seemed to go on for hours, but realistically he supposed it couldn’t have been more than about twenty minutes. It felt like the car stopped with a jolt when Tony parked up. Peter looked at his father, a look which demanded answers. Tony smiled slightly, although it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’ve just gotta get your case and stuff out of the boot, ok?”

His case? Peter scrambled out of the car, and sure enough, watched Tony taking his big suitcase and a couple of other bags out of the boot - and he started bawling. This was worse than he thought. He was being sent away, wasn’t he? Why though? Was Tony sick of him? And Loki? Had last nights news highlighted to them that they didn’t actually want him any more, if they couldn’t have their own biological child? Was that it? He didn’t know. All he knew for certain now was that he was blinded by tears once more, and he had no idea where he was.

“Alright kiddo, calm down” Tony said. “It’s ok”

“No it’s not!” Peter cried, clinging to him. “What’s going on?! Please, just tell me! I hate not knowing! I can’t stand it; please just tell me what’s happening!”

Tony sighed. His hands were full so he couldn’t hug him back, and he was almost grateful. He was trying so hard to stay strong that it hurt.

“Come on, kiddo”

“Dad, I’m scared! You can’t keep me in the dark about my own life!”

Tony adjusted his hold on all the bags so he had an arm free, which he put round Peter. 

“Come on”

-

Peter stayed pressed against Tony’s side, hands over his face as they went inside. He felt so sick, even more so when they stepped into a lift. He clung to Tony, swallowing hard in case he really threw up. It was starting to feel like a very real possibility. He felt so, so ill. He felt so scared and sick and upset and hopeless. He didn’t know what was happening, and Tony didn’t seem to be in any rush to tell him what was going on. 

Peter blinked hard, trying to clear his vision, but doing so only seemed to make things worse. Everything was blurry and fuzzy, like someone had put a dodgy filter on everything. He still hadn’t figured out what was going on, but he had a horrible feeling that he wasn’t going to be under his fathers arm for much longer - and that made him feel even worse.

-

Tony knocked on the door, which was opened promptly. He smiled as best he could.

“Thank you for this. It really means a lot” he said, his voice cracking. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I’m sorry”

“Don’t. Come on, you’d better come in”

Peter imagined he recognised that voice, but he was crying too hard to be sure. He heard the door close behind them.

“Honestly, this is really so good of you” Tony said, wiping tears from his face. “I didn’t know who else to call”

“I know. I can only imagine what you’re going through” the person put a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “Hello, little one”

Peter blinked very, very hard, just about managing to clear his vision, and looked up at the person. He let out a tiny gasp when he saw who it was. 

“…Uncle Thor?”

“The one and only, kiddo”

Peter looked up at him, and then started crying all over again. He let Thor pull him close, and he clung to him, suddenly feeling safe now he was in the mans strong, familiar arms. He still didn’t really know what was happening, but Thor was always such a reassuring presence, and that’s exactly what he needed right now.

“Has Loki been in touch today?”

Thor nodded, rubbing Peter’s back firmly. “Yes, he rang me earlier. He didn’t really want to talk once I got him started though. He sounds absolutely devastated, and I’m not surprised. You sounded much the same on the phone earlier - and you look it, if you don’t mind me saying”

“I still can’t get my head around it” Tony said, wiping another stray tear from his cheek. “We were so ready to have this baby, and now…”

“It’s horrible, I know. You’re both such good parents, and it’s dreadfully unfair that you got the results you did”

Tony nodded. “I think we should talk a little bit”

“I think that’s wise” Thor said. “We should put those bags in the spare room first”

Tony nodded. “I’ll do it… Are you ok with the kid for now?”

Thor looked down at Peter, who was still clinging to Thor like a limpet, face hidden. Peter was still crying so hard that he couldn’t hear what was being said properly, and he still didn’t know exactly what was happening. Thor sighed. He supposed he’d realise and come to terms with it soon enough. He loosened his grip on Peter. 

“Why don’t you go and settle yourself on the sofa while dad and I talk?” he said gently.

Peter nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “I’m scared…”

“I know” Thor said softly, stroking the boys hair gently. “Go and get yourself settled, put the telly on or something. We’ll be with you in no more than five minutes, I promise”

Peter looked at Tony, who nodded at him. He swallowed hard and went off to the living room, shaking so much that he felt like he was going to fall over before he got there. He flopped down on the sofa and pulled a cushion close, resting his chin on it for a moment before burying his face in it. Things seemed to be getting worse by the second. Maybe it was the change of scene. Or maybe it was just everything sinking in.

-

Tony and Thor talked for a little bit, but kept to their promise of joining Peter less than five minutes later. They kept talking, knowing that Peter was in too much of a state to really be listening to anything they were saying. They talked at length, and eventually Peter calmed down and slunk onto Tony’s lap, spurning the cushion and burying himself in his chest instead. Tony cradled him close, stroking his hair and trying to soothe him.

“Should I fetch him something to eat?” Thor asked eventually.

“I don’t think it’s really worth trying” Tony sighed. “He hasn’t really eaten today; I don’t think he’s got an appetite. I don’t either, so I’m not surprised… Try in the morning, as best you can, but tonight…” Tony looked down at the boy clinging to his shirt. “I think he’s ready to call it a night”

Peter looked up, and Tony looked down at him.

“I think it’s bedtime, kiddo” he said. “Come on; I’ll take you”

Peter nodded, still feeling a bit too fuzzy to really understand what was going on.

-

Tony took Peter to the spare room. He’d always hated that room. No matter how much time passed, it still just reminded him of all those times he’d come to visit Loki before they’d lived together. He’d never liked seeing such a colourful and interesting person whiling away their days in a room so bland and impersonal and ordinary. The room still looked exactly the same as it had back then; white with light-coloured wooden furniture. It was boring, truth be told, and it felt almost sterile.

Tony was glad he’d packed Peter’s Baymax blanket. He lay it out on the bed. It helped, he thought. He turned back to Peter and tried to take the boys shirt off. Peter whined and tried to struggle away from him.

“Don’t be like that, kiddo” Tony sighed sadly. “I’m just trying to help you. Let me give you a hand”

Peter didn’t look happy about it, but he let Tony get him out of his clothes. He wouldn’t let him put his dressing gown on though, and he didn’t really want him to be putting him to bed, but he was too tired to protest too much. He simply whimpered softly, and his dad near enough ignored that. Tony guided him over to the bed and tucked him in. He set his toy rocket and his little Peter Rabbit toy beside him, close to the wall so they wouldn’t fall off the bed. He got Peter’s old snow white seal and tucked it under his arm, and then he tucked the quilt and blanket round him.

“There” he said gently. “That’s ok, isn’t it? You’ve got everything you need. You know where Thor is if you need him at all in the night. Ok?”

Peter just looked at him, his brow furrowed. Tony stroked his hair gently.

“Talk to me, kiddo”

“I don’t feel well” Peter said. “Everything’s all fuzzy and blurry. I feel kinda sick”

“Alright, kiddo. Look, there’s a bowl here, so if you need it, you know where it is. If not… Well, hopefully you won’t need it at all, but you know, just in case…”

Peter closed his eyes. He was too tired to try to figure everything out. This day felt like it had lasted a week already. Crying in biology that morning already felt like a lifetime ago, and getting up that morning felt like a distant memory. 

He fell asleep feeling like the room was spinning around him.

Tony knelt by the bed and kissed the bridge of his nose.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart” he said quietly. “I’m so sorry. I love you, you know that. I love you so much… I’m sorry”

-

Tony tried to handover to Thor, with some difficulty. Like Peter, he was feeling fuzzy and mixed up and confused too.

“I think he’s got everything he needs, but if you find he needs anything, just text me or ring me and I’ll bring it over. But I think he’s got everything…”

“I saw you brought his school stuff with him”

“Yeah… Well, when I picked him up, the school offered some compassionate leave type thing, and I thought it was a good idea. But then we talked more, and we decided he should try a few more days, and if he really can’t deal with it, then they’ll authorise the leave. Just… Well, you’ve taken him to school before; you know the routine. I looked at his diary; he doesn’t have any outstanding homework assignments, so you don’t need to worry about getting him to do any work just yet”

“I’ll make sure he gets to school on time. I’ll make sure they have my number too, in case anything happens” Thor said. “I’ve looked after him so many times before, but is there anything else you think I need to know?”

Tony thought for a moment. “He needs you to keep hugging him and stuff. He’s taken this news hard, too… I’m not convinced he’s safe at home right now, so I just need you to keep him safe until such a time as I’m certain it’s ok to bring him back. You can do that for me, right?”

Thor nodded. “Of course”

“You should read to him, too. I’ve packed some books in his bag. Loki always likes reading to him, and we saw this article recently, something about how scientists and people in child psychology recommend reading to teenagers. Good for their development and stuff, apparently. He likes it, too. So, yeah, just read to him, and keep him safe. Keep an eye on him. You know how to look after him, you know what he likes… I’ll come at see him every day, I promise. I just… I need him to be somewhere out of the way, somewhere where I know he’s definitely safe. I don’t think I’m in a position to look after him properly right now, not when I’m feeling like this”

“I understand your concerns, but I don’t think Loki’s going to pose a threat to Peter”

“I don’t know if I think it or not” Tony said. “But I’m not taking any chances. You didn’t see him swatting him away. You didn’t hear the sound… He hurt him… I need to go and try to work things out and be there for my husband. We need each other, especially now. I just need to be able to come to terms with all this without having to worry about Peter’s safety. You get that, right?”

Thor nodded, and hugged Tony close. “Take care of my brother. He’s going to need a lot of looking after.

Tony nodded. “We all are… I’m sorry, I’m really gonna have to go. I don’t think I can keep up this strong facade for much longer”

-

Tony thought he’d manage until he got home, but he didn’t. Half way there he was forced to pull over into an empty lay-by. He stared at his hands, gripping the steering wheel, and then his face crumpled and he started crying. He didn’t know what he was doing. The baby he’d been planning for was never going to get the chance to exist. And the child he actually did have wasn’t coming home with him. He was doing it for the boys own good, he knew that - but he missed him already. He wanted to hug him and stroke his hair and tell him everything was ok. But he couldn’t. He knew he could trust Thor with him. And he knew that Loki needed him more than Peter did. He’d put Peter somewhere safe, and now he had to put Loki first. He needed to look after his husband.

-

When Tony was holding Loki that evening, he was crying for the loss of both children. He felt so helpless and horrible. If this was how _he_ felt, he could only imagine what Loki felt - after all, it was him who’d had the bad result.

“I’m so sorry!” Loki sobbed. “I’m so sorry! If it weren’t for me, we’d be having a baby..!”

“This isn’t your fault!” Tony said desperately. “It’s not your fault! It’s just a horrible twist of fate! I don’t blame you, I swear I don’t. I don’t blame anyone. It’s just another horrible thing we’re gonna have to find a way to get through”

Loki just cried more and held tighter to Tony. He couldn’t believe he was broken. He couldn’t believe something as simple as a ‘routine’ sperm test had completely destroyed his life. He’d wanted a baby for so long, longer even than Tony. He’d played about with the baby moodboard for years, and when they finally got to a point where they were getting to the go ahead, he’d started thinking about how to implement it properly. And then to be told that he wasn’t eligible for the three-person baby IVF, that he was completely infertile… He didn’t know how he was supposed to react, how he was supposed to come to terms with that. But he knew what it meant, and he knew how awful it was. He knew how it was not only tearing him apart, but his husband, and his son. His son…

“Where’s Peter? Tony, where’s Peter? I need my little boy. Please, I just need to hold him”

Tony looked at Happy, who was staying close by in case he was needed. Happy twisted one corner of his mouth, and nodded. Tony swallowed hard and moved back a little so he could look at Loki properly.

“He’s staying with your brother for a bit. Just while we get things sorted here”

Loki looked at him for a moment, searching his face, and then he collapsed all over again.

“You didn’t think to tell me?! You didn’t even let me say goodbye!”

Tony pulled him close, holding him desperately. “I’m so sorry! It just felt like the right thing to do. We can’t look after him properly like this, you know we can’t. I know you know that”

Loki knew he was right, but it didn’t help. He wanted his little boy, and he couldn’t have him. It felt like he’d lost him too. Part of his daily routine was knowing he could hug Peter and talk to him whenever he wanted, and now that wasn’t an option. He wanted to hold him and tell him he loved him, and Tony had taken that from him. He still clung to Tony, because he needed him, and he loved him, and he understood why he’d done it. But he was already so upset, and this had just made it even worse. He had no right to do this without consulting him. 

But Loki couldn’t say any of this. He could only cry, until he eventually had to tear himself away from Tony and rush to the nearest bathroom to be sick.

-

Peter was so close to crying right from the moment he woke up the next morning. Thor dropped him off at school, which felt even worse than it had the day before. Peter hid behind the wall in the car park for a while, trying to work out if there was a way he could skip school without getting caught or getting into trouble. He couldn’t think of anything, so eventually he dragged himself up and went off to his form room. 

As soon as he opened the door, all the thoughts and feeling from the previous day swarmed and resurfaced, and he collapsed into floods of tears. His form tutor wasn’t there yet, but most of the form were. He was crying so much that he couldn’t move. The bunnies went to him first, but then everyone else decided to get involved too, because a green slip and then this little breakdown were definite signs that something was dreadfully wrong. Being crowded was awful, and it made Peter feel even worse, because then he felt boxed in and trapped. 

It was Nigel who put a stop to it. He marched over and pulled Peter close, and Peter automatically hugged him, burying his face in his chest.

“It’s ok, I’ve got you” Nigel said, and then addressed the rest of the room. “Piss off, you lot! He doesn’t need you gawking at him”

Nigel wasn’t the kind of boy many people were foolish or brave enough to mess with, so they all backed off, the bunnies included. Nigel took Peter out of the room and into the big storage cupboard with the broken lock across the hall. He hugged him tight, resting their heads together.

“I’ve got you” Nigel said. “It’s alright; no one else is gonna bother you. What’s going on with you?”

“I can’t do it anymore! I can’t do it, Nigel! I can’t do it! I just wanna go home! I can’t do this!”

Nigel paused in shock for a moment. He’d never heard Peter speak before, and he didn’t expect the first time to be with him near enough scream-crying into his chest in a school store cupboard. 

Nigel swallowed and held Peter as tight as he dared. “We’ll get you home. You’ve gotta try and calm down a bit first. Do you need to sit down? I can feel your legs shaking”

Peter shook his head slightly. Nigel watched him for a moment.

“Look at me”

Peter forced himself to raise his head, and Nigel gave him a kiss on the mouth. Peter was shocked, especially with this being _Nigel_ of all people, and he went quiet for a moment.

“You’ve gotta breath, you know. It’s kind of important to stay alive” he said, and kissed him hard on the cheek. “Better. I’ll take you to the office”

-

Nigel stayed with Peter until Thor arrived. He gave him another hug, and another kiss.

“See you in a few weeks”

Peter nodded. Nigel was probably right.

-

Thor cleared his throat when Peter rejoined him in the kitchen after getting changed out of his uniform.

“I think school is a no-go” he said. “We’ll have to work out a sort of routine here”

“When am I going home?”

“I don’t know. Not yet”

“Tonight?”

Thor looked at him. “How much did you take in last night?”

Peter shrugged. Tony sighed and lifted him into a seat at the breakfast bar. He put his hands on the boys shoulders. Peter quirked an eyebrow and looked up at him. 

“Peter, your dad didn’t just drop you off for one night” Thor said. “He wants you to stay with me until him and daddy have sorted everything out at home. You know how difficult this situation is for both of them. Dad wants you to be here where you’ll be safe and properly looked after. Do you understand?”

Peter looked at him, trying to get all the pieces to fit together neatly in his head. 

“He doesn’t want me anymore?”

“No, of course he still wants you; you’re his son. But he needs you to stay somewhere safe, just for a little while. He’s going to come and see you every day. He’ll be here around seven o’ clock tonight, he said. Quiet now, you don’t need to cry; it’s not really so bad. We get along, don’t we?”

“That’s not the point” Peter said, and he burst into tears. “I wanna go home! I want my dads”

“Come along, quiet now: this isn’t the time for drama”

“Yes it is! They’re my family; why can’t I be with them?!”

“Because your dad wants you to stay here, and you’re just a child, so you have to do as you’re told and let your parents do what they think is best for you”

“Well, I wanna go home!”

“Well that’s just tough, I’m afraid” Thor said firmly. “You’re staying here, and I’m going to look after you until your parents feel ready to take you back. And that’s final”

Peter didn’t know why he did it, but he stood up and hit Thor hard in the chest. Had he done that at home, there would have been serious trouble. But Thor didn’t react the way Tony and Loki would have done.

“Peter, no” Thor sighed. “Hitting out at me isn’t going to change anything”

Part of Peter wanted to burst into tears and run to his room and slam the door behind him. Another part of him wanted to shout and scream and kick off. Guess which part won.

-

Peter sat on a chair in the corner of the corridor outside Thor’s room, howling into a cushion. Thor had taken another hit and listened to Peter shouting, and then he’d hoicked him up and put him down on a chair and told him he needed to control himself and find another way to channel his feelings. And then he’d turned the chair round and pushed it into the corner and told Peter not to move until he was told to.

So that’s where Peter stayed, cross and upset and tired, trying to accept the horrible feeling of abandonment. How could Tony do this to him? He’d always said he was going to be there for him, but he’d just dumped him at uncle Thor’s. Peter checked his watch, and it was barely half past ten. The day already felt like it had gone on for weeks, and he couldn’t imagine it getting any better. He’d broken down and sobbed in his form room before, so he wasn’t too worried about the lasting effects of that. But he was a little worried about what had happened with Nigel. It was no secret that, while Nigel and Peter didn’t get along, Nigel would always stick up for him. But the fact that he’d hugged him and removed him from the situation was a step up from the usual verbal reassurances. Peter was glad that he’d done it, because it removed him from the crowds. But then when they’d been in the store room, Nigel had kissed him. It had only been a quick kiss, but it had been a proper kiss, not a chaste peck, and Peter wasn’t really sure why he had done it. Maybe it was just to shut him up, but he wasn’t 100% on that. But whether that was the reason or not, Peter rather thought that if he wasn’t in such a horrible situation already, it was the kind of thing he might not be able to get out of his mind for a while.

-

Loki spent most of the morning in bed, looking through the baby moodboard in a numb state. Tony was fast asleep at his side. He’d fallen asleep long before Loki, and he hadn’t woken up once. Loki wasn’t sure if he cared or not. 

-

Loki grew restless as the morning turned to afternoon, and the afternoon turned to evening. He sat out on the balcony, smoking and drinking. Tony was at his side, drinking strong black coffee and staring into space. 

“I think I’ll go to the hospital tomorrow”

“Oh Loki” Tony sighed. “I don’t really think there’s anything they can do for you”

“I meant to work” Loki said, putting his cigarette to his lips.

Tony looked at him. “…I don’t think that’s a good idea. Don’t you think it’s too soon? I haven’t even thought about work since… since we found out”

“I can’t sit here getting drunk for the rest of my life” Loki said. “I’m going mad as it is. I need to keep myself busy”

“Loki, we need to keep talking. There’s too much to work through here. I really don’t think you should go. Besides, I need you”

“You’ll be fine”

“No, Loki, I mean it” Tony said. “Please don’t go. I really need you here. I… I don’t want you to go”

Loki went quiet. Tony did too, until his phone beeped. He took it from his pocket, checking the screen and the time.

“I told Thor I’d visit every day. I told him seven. I should start getting ready… Are you gonna come with me?”

Loki didn’t respond. He picked up his drink and stared at the sky. Tony sighed and kissed him hard on the cheek. 

“Ok”

-

Peter went into a rage as soon as he saw Tony. He shouted and swore and screamed at him, demanding to know why he’d been abandoned when he needed him so much, demanding to know if Loki had helped make the decision, demanding to know how long he was going to be stuck here against his will. 

Tony was patient at first, and then tried to talk to Thor, asking him if Peter had eaten and what had happened at school. Thor tried to respond, but Peter kept interrupting, grabbing at Tony’s arm.

“I’m talking to you! Why aren’t you answering me?!”

“Peter, enough” Thor said. “Your father and I need to talk”

“_I _need to talk to him! He’s _my _dad, _I’m _the one who’s been abandoned!”

“I haven’t abandoned you, bambino” Tony said.

“Yes you have! I wanna come home, right now! You can’t make me stay here”

Tony didn’t know what to say. His heart was thumping in his chest, and he felt bad enough as it was without Peter acting like this. Thor saw this, and he grabbed hold of Peter, picking him up.

“Hey! Put me down! I’m trying to have a conversation here!”

Thor carted Peter off to his room, putting him down on the bed and tucking him in tight, so that he could hardly move. He left him there, closing the door behind him and going back to Tony. Well, it hardly took Peter ten seconds to wriggle free from the sheets, and he stormed right back out to the kitchen. 

“Peter, go back to your room” Thor said.

“That’s NOT my room!” Peter scowled. “It’s just your stupid old guest room”

“Peter, please. Stop being so difficult. Just give us five minutes”

“But I still haven’t had my questions answered!” Peter said. “I just wanna know what’s happening”

“I’ve already told you. Now go”

Peter growled and stormed out of the room. Thor slowly turned to look at Tony.

“He’s not very happy”

“Yeah, I can see that” Tony said. “I don’t know if this is better than the little sobbing mess I was expecting to see or not”

“He kicked off a bit when he got back from school, but then he was quiet until you came. I don’t think this living situation has really sunk in yet”

“What happened at school? How long did he last?”

“I got a phone call at about ten past nine” Thor said. “He started crying as soon as he got to his form room and his classmates were concerned and one of them took him to the office. They’ve authorised the leave you told me about”

Tony sighed. “Poor little Peter. God, that kid has been through enough as it is. It’s not fair for him to have to go through something else so big. He was really ready to be a big brother, you know”

“I know; he’d talked to me about it a lot. He’s sensitive, too. I think it’s your pain that’s making it worse for him” Thor said. “He’s scared. He’s angry and confused and upset”

Tony nodded. 

“How’s Loki?”

“Not great. We’ve had a really horrible day. He’s got his smokes and booze out again. You know that thing he used to do, where he’d just sit and stare into space and get drunk and stuff?”

Thor sighed. He knew all too well. “And you?”

“I wasn’t going to break my promise of visiting every day, so I didn’t drink. I didn’t really want to, either. See, until today, I’d just stayed in Loki’s arms, and I really need that, but he was kinda pushing me away today. He still let me hug him, but he didn’t really hug back. It was like I wasn’t there… Oh god, this hurts so much-”

Thor gave Tony a hug. “You can cry to me all you need to”

Tony shook his head. “No, I need to be strong for the kid. I’m here for him”

Thor sighed, but let him go. “It sounds like he’s calmed down a bit”

“Yeah. I’m gonna go in and see him”

Tony took a deep breath, dried his eyes, and cleared his throat. He didn’t want Peter to see how much he was hurting.

-

Peter was sat on the windowsill, looking at the window, watching the raindrops dripping down the glass. 

“Peter?”

Peter didn’t look up, and he didn’t say anything, but Tony knew he knew he was there. 

“Thor told me about what happened at school. But hey, at least you don’t have to go back again yet. Not until you’re ready. That’s good, right?”

Peter still didn’t move. The windowsill wasn’t big enough for two, so Tony just leant against the wall nearest to Peter’s feet. 

“I know this is a bit of a shock. I just need you to be a good boy for me and daddy. You know we’ve got a whole lot of stuff to work out, and we’re not feeling well right now” Tony said. He swallowed. “Sweetheart, talk to me”

Peter drew his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them. 

“I want to go home”

Tony sighed. “I know, honey… Listen, sweetheart, I… Home isn’t the best place for you right now. Me and daddy are gonna need some time to heal, and we’re not really in the best position to take the best care of you while we’re like this. So I just, we just need you to stay here with uncle Thor while we figure everything out. He can look after you properly and keep you safe while daddy and I are trying to come to terms with… Well, you know. You understand that, don’t you, pet?”

Peter turned his head more towards the window. Tony sighed and went to stroke the boys hair, but Peter suddenly snapped and slapped his hand away, hard. Tony looked at him, shocked and hurt by Peter’s actions, but then he sighed and lowered his hand. 

“Sweetheart…”

“I want you to go now”

Tony swallowed and took a step back, wounded. He could feel the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“Ok. I’ll go” Tony stopped in the doorway of the living room. “Peter? I… I love you, kiddo. I love you so much. You know that, right?”

Peter didn’t move. Tony swallowed hard. 

“See you tomorrow, darling”

-

Tony just about managed to keep it together in the car. When he got home, he went and found Loki, who had moved to the back room and was sat on the futon staring into space. He looked up when Tony came into the room.

“How did it go?”

Tony’s throat went tight and he burst into floods of tears. Loki looked at him in shock for a moment.

“Tony?! Oh Tony!”

Loki stood up and threw his arms round his husband. Tony collapsed against him, howling into his chest. He couldn’t control himself, not even a little bit. Loki sat down on the futon, holding Tony close against his chest, and Tony cried like he had never cried before, clinging to Loki’s arm and sobbing into the crook of his elbow, not knowing exactly what he was feeling, but knowing for certain that he hadn’t felt a pain like this ever in his life.

*


	5. If It Helps

-

In a misguided attempt to carry on as normal, Loki went to work the next day. He ignored Tony’s cries and protests and very firmly said that he was going regardless. Tony was too worn down to fight him too much, and too hurt to try to beg him to stay any more than he had done already.

-

It felt strange going to the hospital, as though he hadn’t been there for weeks. Still, he felt like he needed to keep busy, and in his mind, this was the best way to do it. He knew that everyone on his ward knew he’d had some bad news, but Jo Jo was the only one who knew exactly what that bad news was. So hopefully he could avoid the pitying glances.

Jo Jo knew better than most just how horribly the results of the fertility test were going to affect Loki, and he also knew that calling attention to it wouldn’t be wise. 

Jo Jo popped up as soon as Loki reached the hospital.

“Hi!” he said brightly. “Say, have you got any of those cherry energy drinks that I could steal? I had a late night and I’m definitely starting to slow down already”

Loki watched him for a moment, touched that he was trying to act normal, and grateful of the immediate distraction. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as he was expecting.

-

Loki didn’t last long. He knew he was foolish to think he could just carry on as normal. Everything on the ward suddenly had much more gravity to it. He was surrounded by expectant parents and babies and everything that went with it. He tried to distance himself a bit, doing light duties like blood work. But he couldn’t escape from the conversation of medical notes, and the excited families talking about their latest buys and possible baby names. 

Loki generally got to know his patients pretty well, and a lot of them wanted to speak to him, and tell him how they were getting on - and show him their latest ultrasound scans and nursery plans. 

Loki fought to stay strong for as long as he could, but it was hard work, and his mind couldn’t help being heavily distracted by what had happened at the clinic, and what he’d lost before he’d even had the chance to have it. 

There was one patient who Loki had gotten to know a little bit, who was having her first scan and check up after a successful round of IVF. Loki tried to distance himself, but the more she spoke, and the more he found his mind wandering to the realms of what could have been, the worse he felt. His heart was thudding, and he was starting to feel sick. He took a deep breath and grabbed a passing colleague.

“Mary, could you take over here for me, please?”

“Yeah, ok..”

Mary took over, giving Loki a concerned look as he rushed off. She knew something was wrong - all the staff had been told that much - but she knew it must be something even bigger than she’d first expected. She’d never seen Loki like this before.

-

Loki shut himself in the locker room and sat down heavily on one of the benches, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. This was so much harder than he’d thought it was going to be. But he was an idiot to think that he could work on a ward surrounded by babies and pregnancy and not feel horribly struck down by it all. 

There was a knock on the door. Loki didn’t look up, but he heard the door open and close, and he felt someone sit down beside him.

“Hi, Loki” the person said. “Jo Jo told me what happened. He said you wouldn’t mind if it was just me”

Loki sat up straight and looked at Mr Lesley. He was a consultant Loki knew from handovers and the occasional after-work drink. He didn’t know him too well, but he knew a few things about him. Like the fact they were in the same boat.

“We didn’t even think about the possibility of this result. We just thought it was a formality”

“I know. No one wants to think about that possibility, and men aren’t usually prepared for it. You were just taking another step closer to getting your baby. You had no reason to consider you’d get those results”

“Exactly” Loki said. He swallowed hard. “…I can’t have children. I’m not going to have a baby and I don’t know what to do”

“There’s nothing you _can _do, not in the way you think. You can’t change those results, or ‘fix’ them. I know it’s hard. But the only thing you can really do is try to come to terms with it and move on”

“How can I move on? I’ve been waiting for so long to be able to have this baby, and now it’s just been torn away from me. In fact, I’ve torn it away from myself. Tony’s results were fine, _good_. I was the one with the knackered results. I’m the one who can’t have kids. They don’t even know why yet. It’s probably something I did in space. I don’t know. Maybe it’s always been this way. All I know is there’s nothing I can do and no one I can blame but myself”

“You can’t play the blame game, Loki” Mr Lesley said. “It’s not a case of blaming or finding fault. I know you want to, but these results? Well, it’s just the way it is. There’s no changing it, and there’s often not even a way to find out why. You’re allowed to be angry, just don’t let it consume you”

“How did you do it?” Loki said, trying to stop crying. “There must have been something that helped”

“It was hard” Mr Lesley said. “My wife and I, we were quite bad; we judged our assumptions on stereotypes. We both expected it to be her who was unable to conceive. I was totally unprepared to find that it was me firing blanks”

Loki winced.

“You’ve gotta do the doctory-nursey thing of using comedy to cope sometimes, Loki. Welcome to the jaffa club, I say”

Loki looked at him. “Jaffa?”

“That’s a seedless orange”

“Ah” Loki sighed and shook his head slightly. “I don’t think I want a badge”

“You might find making light of it useful at some point in the future”

“Is that how you coped?”

“Not at first” Mr Lesley said. “It was hard. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. I got so depressed, I took extended sick leave, almost went on a sabbatical. My wife was sympathetic for a while, but… Well, I think she found it tricky to deal with me. I don’t think she thought it hurt as much as it did. She started pushing for the other options far sooner than I was ready to hear them”

“You’ve got children, though, haven’t you?”

“Yes, one. Sperm donation” Mr Lesley said. “It was a pretty long time after I found out about my infertility, but my wife and I so wanted a child, and eventually we made the decision to do it that way”

“How old are they?”

“She’s nine now. I love her so much. You’ve got an adopted son. I’m sure it’s a similar kind of thing, in that you forget you’re not biologically related, because it doesn’t really matter. I’m not sure it’s that important. It’s love and time, and all the rest of it that makes family”

“…I love Peter so much. He’s still my little boy” Loki said. “But having a baby was just something me and Tony wanted so, so much. All of that planning. Everything we planned, it just took one tiny appointment to complete tear it down. It was all for nothing. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to accept that”

“You’ll find a way” Mr Lesley said. “You can cry and scream and shout and swear about it. But make sure you talk. How’s Tony doing?”

“Not great” Loki sighed. “He’s about as devastated as I am. But I think his pain is only skin deep. Not that it doesn’t matter, but… I think my pain goes deeper. He can be upset about it, and we can mourn it, but I can’t shake the thought that this is my fault. If my body worked properly, things would be different”

“I know how you feel, believe me. Loki, listen. I know you’re heartbroken. But you know there’s other options if you decide to go for them. But even if you don’t, you’re lucky, because you’ve already got a child. Some people find that helps”

Loki took his phone out of his pocket, looking at the photo on his lock screen. Mr Lesley peered at the picture.

“He’s a cute little kid. I know you love him. How does he feel about all of this?”

“…He was so ready to be a big brother. He wanted it too. He’s upset too. So much of our home life has been riding on this three-person IVF for months now. He liked staying involved in our plans… I don’t know if he really knows what’s what right now…” Loki swallowed. “He’s not at home right now. He’s staying with my brother. Tony thought it was best. Just until we’re a bit stronger. But I don’t know how long that’s going to be. What if we never get stronger?”

“You will. It’s horrible, but if you look in the right places, there’s places you can go and people you can speak to. It’s harder for us, I think” Mr Lesley said. “There’s not really any help at all out there for men going through infertility. Countless resources for women, which is good, I suppose, but still… I hope it’s different for you - I’m sure it will be, seeing as you’re not with a woman - but when I first told people, I was told to ‘just get a sperm donor’. Or to adopt. Some people even scoffed. It’s dreadful, but I think things are different now, even just after these few years. Hopefully you can fight off the press if this story gets out. I can only imagine what that kind of gossip can feel like. Loki, you’re headstrong and stubborn and I know we don’t know each other hugely well, but allow me to offer some advice”

Loki wiped the tears from his eyes and made himself look at him.

“Ignore everyone who doesn’t know you. Talk to your husband, and your family, and your friends. Talk, and write your feelings out. And go home, Loki” Mr Lesley took Loki’s hand. “Go home. No one is expecting you to work through this. You’ll only make yourself worse, especially on this ward. Go. You need to look after yourself first”

-

Loki wouldn’t speak to Tony when he got home. He hugged him, but quickly excused himself and went to his room, closing the door firmly behind him. He needed some time to himself.

-

Tony felt dreadful, and all he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide from the world. But he’d promised himself he’d visit Peter every night, and he wasn’t going to break that promise. Once again, Loki didn’t accompany him, but he had Happy knocking about the house again, so Tony felt ok to leave him for a little bit. At least he wouldn’t be alone.

-

Peter was cuddled down on the sofa when Tony got to Thor’s.

“How has he been?” he asked quietly.

“He’s been ok” Thor said. “He’s been eating, anyway. He’s been pretty quiet though”

Tony nodded, and sat down at Peter’s feet. “Hey, kiddo”

Peter looked at him, but didn’t say anything.

“How are you doing?”

Peter sat up slowly, keeping quiet. Tony sighed. He didn’t know what else to say to him. He was tired, and he felt weak. He hadn’t looked after himself at all that day. He’d felt so lonely, considering Loki had gone out and then shut himself in his room upon his return. He wanted nothing more than to be with his family, but it seemed like none of them wanted to be with him.

“I know you’re upset” Tony said eventually. “I am too. But you know why you’re here. It’s for your own good, chick. Hey, don’t look at me like that. It’s not so bad, is it? You get on well with uncle Thor. He’s always so nice to you. You know he loves you almost as much as I do”

“You look ill” Peter said.

Tony was surprised. “Um… Well, I guess I feel a bit ill. It’s been a rough couple of days”

“How’s daddy?”

“He’s resting” Tony nodded. “It was a rough day for him as well”

He pressed his lips together, looking straight ahead. Peter watched him for a moment, and then crawled onto his lap. Tony’s arms moved automatically and he hugged the boy close, resting his chin on his head. He sighed.

“You’re a good little boy” he mumbled. “Such a good boy…”

“I’d be ok at home, you know”

Tony sighed. “I don’t think so. I’m sorry, kiddo, but you’ve gotta stay here. Just until daddy and I have figured everything out”

Peter rested his head against Tony’s chest. “…Dad?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Can you… Can you hold me a bit tighter?”

Tony paused, and then wound his arms further round him. “Like this?”

“Just… just a bit tighter”

Tony did so, and Peter sighed and nodded slightly.

“Yeah, like this”

“You know daddy and I love you, right?”

“I know. But it doesn’t feel like daddy loves me right now”

“He does” Tony said. “You’re still our little boy, no matter what”

“You’re sad” Peter said. “Daddy’s sad. I’m sad. Pepper’s sad. We’re not having a baby”

Tony closed his eyes, trying to fight back the tears. “I know”

“You’re gonna keep visiting, though, right? And daddy’s gonna visit when he feels a bit better? Right?”

“Right” Tony said, sounding choked. “Just because you’re staying with uncle Thor, doesn’t mean we have to be distant”

“I was looking online today, seeing if there were memorials for infertility. That didn’t show up any results. I think there should be something, don’t you? Because it does feel like a loss. And it’s really sad, isn’t it?”

“Yeah” Tony said. “Yeah, it’s really sad…”

“They started to feel real, didn’t they?”

“Who?”

“Princess May and Oliver Anthony. It was like we were just waiting to meet them. Like they already existed”

“Yeah…” Tony swallowed, and then started crying. 

He held tight to Peter, rocking him gently as he cried. Peter started crying too, scared. Thor left them at first, but Tony’s cries started getting distressing, so he stepped in and carefully took Peter from him.

“Why don’t you go to your room?” Thor said gently.

“But-”

“Shh, go on. Go to your room”

Peter took a last desperate look at Tony, and then did as he was told. Thor sat down on the sofa and put his arms round Tony, who very soon turned and hugged him. 

“I can’t do this-!”

“Yes you can. You’ll get through it eventually, you _and _my brother” Thor said, holding him tight. “You’ll get there”

“I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve just felt so sick and hollow ever since we found out. I don’t know how to get my head around this”

“You’ll work it out. You need to talk to Loki” Thor rested his head against Tony’s. “Go home, Tony. I think you need to be with Loki. Don’t worry about Peter; I’ll look after him. You need to look after yourself. Put yourself first for once”

-

Loki was on the balcony, drinking and smoking, as expected, when Tony got home. He barely glanced at his husband. Tony swallowed and went over to him, climbing into his lap and resting his head on his shoulder. Loki wound his arms round him and rested his mouth against Tony’s forehead. A few moments passed, and Loki dropped his cigarette and held Tony tighter. He didn’t want to let go. He felt horrible for avoiding him. Now he wanted nothing more than to stay with him, indefinitely. 

“Loki?”

“Mm?”

“I think we need to talk to someone about this”

Loki was quiet for a moment. He took a deep breath. “Who?”

“I don’t know” Tony swallowed hard, three or four times, trying not to cry. “…I think we should call Li Allen”

“I think we need to talk to each other properly” Loki said, his voice trembling. “We haven’t talked properly; we’ve just cried. I can’t stop crying… I don’t know what to do”

He started crying properly again, and Tony did too. Neither of them could speak, but they held each other and cried, both knowing what the other was feeling. They felt so tired and sore and hollow and alone - but they had each other. At least, if nothing else, they were going through this together. That was all they needed right now. Just to be together. Indefinitely. 

-

Tony just about managed to force himself to go to Thor’s the next evening. He sat with Peter and tried to watch telly for a bit, but he couldn’t concentrate. He held Peter tight and stroked his hair, his thoughts always straying back to Loki and the baby situation. He couldn’t seem to focus on the little boy in his arms. 

-

Tony left just over an hour after arriving. Peter started crying as soon as Tony announced his departure, and Tony felt horrible. He gave Peter a cuddle and chucked him under the chin and told him to be brave. 

“I’ll take you out for dinner next time. Somewhere nice, somewhere we don’t go often” he said. “You’d like that, right?”

Peter nodded, holding his arms out for another hug, which Tony supplied. He kissed him hard on the cheek. 

“You be good. I’ll see you soon. Love you lots”

“I love you too”

Tony kissed him again, hard, and forced himself to let go. He wanted to be with his husband.

-

Loki never took care of himself properly when he wasn’t feeling great, so things weren’t going well. He couldn’t be bothered to eat, or take his supplements, or drink anything non-alcoholic. His stock of cigarettes that had long gone untouched was steadily starting to deplete. The liquor cabinet, which recently had been seldom used, was now open, with no sign of it being closed any time soon. The radio and stereo that usually played throughout the house all day was switched off, leaving a heavy silence in the air. Even FRIDAY had been muted. 

Tony flopped down beside Loki when he got home. 

“How is he?”

“He’s eating and stuff” Tony said. “He’ll be fine. Your brother takes good care of him” 

Loki nodded, lighting another cigarette and passing it to Tony. Tony paused, and then took it. Usually he only smoked on holiday. It felt weird smoking in such sad times. But it felt apt. Odd, but apt. Appropriate. The right thing to do. 

“What are you drinking?”

Loki answered by handing the glass to him. Tony took a good mouthful. Rum and coke. Or more, rum with a splash of coke. Enough rum to make his face twitch. He handed the glass back. Loki took it, and then reached for one of the bottles on the floor. He held the Grey Goose out to him. Tony took it, looking at the picture of the bottle for a moment before unscrewing the cap. He took a deep breath and raised it to his lips. He took a small sip, and then tipped the bottle, gulping down the clear liquid almost greedily. He could feel Loki watching him, and slowly lowered the bottle. He saw that Loki had been holding a glass and mixer can for him too. He took a deep breath.

“We’ll start doing things properly tomorrow”

*


	6. A Couple Of Vodka And Tonics

-

Thor knew from experience what damage staying inside for days on end could do for a person, so when Peter woke up in the morning, he told him to get dressed and get his shoes on. Peter did as he was told, and joined Thor by the front door when they were both ready to go.

“Where are we going?”

“I need a few things from a couple of shops, and they’re right near a game arcade. I thought you might enjoy that”

“Oh!” Peter said. “I haven’t been to an arcade for ages. Well, not here, at least. We go to them on holiday when we go to the beach. They’re kinda different though. Some of the games are similar, but not all of them”

“It gives you something to do if nothing else” Thor said. “Come along. We’ll walk and get breakfast on the way there”

“Ok” Peter said. “What kind of breakfast?”

“Well, what would you like?”

Peter thought about it while Thor locked the door and they went down the stairs onto the street. At first he really wasn’t sure, but then the more he thought about it…

“Bagels” Peter said. “I kinda fancy the ones we have at school, and I know I can’t have those. But there’s a whole bunch of places that sell bagels in town. I know you can just get one with cream cheese, and that’s a good thing. Especially if you get a coffee too”

“Do your parents let you drink coffee now?” 

“Well, they do when I’m out. I don’t know why. I guess dad thinks a cappuccino or a latte or whatever is less coffee-like than the stuff he drinks. Or the instant stuff”

“An interesting take”

Peter shrugged. “I guess it is. I kinda just drink my chai tea, especially nowadays. I’ve kinda been in to it ever since daddy first introduced me to it. So that’s a pretty long time now”

“It is rather. My, it feels like almost a hundred years ago. It’s been a long decade”

Peter nodded slightly. “Dad’s gonna take me out for tea tonight. We’re not gonna be out too late, are we? Just he always gets to yours at seven, so…”

“We’ll be back in plenty of time for that, don’t you worry”

Peter breathed out, and nodded. “Good. I’d feel awful if we got back late and kept him waiting or something”

Thor rested a hand on the boys head. “Don’t you worry. I’ll make sure we’re back in time”

-

They went to the arcade first. Peter felt a little unsure at first, but he liked being with Thor, and he didn’t want to annoy him by changing his mind or being awkward. They had a little wander, and Peter stopped by one of the big shooting games with chunky plastic blue and pink gun shaped controllers. 

“Ooh, can we play this one?” he said. “These are pretty fun”

“We can play whatever you like” Thor said, slotting a coin into the machine and picking up the pink gun controller.

“Wait, is it ok if I’m pink?”

“Ok” Thor said, swapping places with him and picking up the blue gun instead.

They got into the game pretty quickly, and Peter found himself concentrating enough to forget about his current predicament for a while. 

“I used to come here with Ned” Peter said. “Ages and ages ago, even though it wasn’t really our area. We used to come quite a lot. It’s changed since then, though. New games and stuff. We got the high score on this old pinball machine, and I don’t think it was ever beaten. At least, not as far as I know”

“Maybe we could find it and have a look. Pinball isn’t that old, is it?”

“It kinda is, I think” Peter said. “They’re pretty retro. There used to be a pinball game on old computers. It was on some of the old models I used to have at the flat. I used to spend hours playing it. I was pretty good, but I mainly played because I liked the noises it made. It was kinda nice”

“You don’t really go in for that kind of thing any more”

“No, not really. I guess because I got so depressed after May died, and there’s a bunch of things I never picked up again after everything that happened. I’m not really sure there’s anything I miss anymore. Aside from Ned, maybe. But even then, that’s only when I think about it for too long” he lowered the gun, looking at the end score flashing up on the screen. “I always feel like everyone’s leaving me behind”

“Why’s that?” Thor asked, setting his controller down.

“Well. My parents died when I was little. I don’t remember them, but still. And then my uncle died. I do remember him, but the memories are starting to go pretty fuzzy. And then Liz moved away. We’re friends now, and we keep in touch, but even so. And then May died. I think that one hurt the most” he turned the gun over in his hands and then carefully set it down on its stand. “Then it was Ned, cutting me out of his life. And now my dads are at home while I’m at yours. That was horrible in a different way. It made me think of that bit in The Fox and The Hound, you know, like, when the old lady puts the fox in the car and he’s all excited but then she notices she’s sad and he doesn’t know why, and then she takes him to the woods and leaves him there and he doesn’t understand, and then he gets all scared and rained on. It felt like that… Have you seen that film?”

“Once” Thor said. “It made your daddy cry. He used to cry at lots of films”

“He still does. He cries at books too. And music”

“He can get very emotional” Thor said. “Do you want to play this one again?”

Peter shook his head. “Let’s find something else”

-

Peter stopped in front of the old pinball machine. The top ten high scores were displayed on the screen. There, still in first place, was ‘Peter and Ned’. Peter’s heart thudded as he looked at it. He’d hoped that, if the machine was still there, the score had been beaten. That way it wouldn’t feel so much like a painful memory. But there it was, evidence after the fact. It felt strange seeing it. But it had been like that for a long time, Peter and Ned, find one and find the other. It was that horrible meeting in the cafe with the blue curtains and broken neon sign that had been the tipping point. Or, maybe it was all the texts he didn’t respond to. He wasn’t really sure any more. It had been so long. Too long. He couldn’t really remember. But he knew that deep down, under all of it, losing Ned still hurt. 

Thor put a hand on Peter’s shoulder.

“Are you ok?”

Peter swallowed and looked up at him. “Let’s go and have a look at those claw games. All the arcades we went to on holiday had those play till you win ones”

Thor nodded slightly. “Ok”

They had a look at all the claw machines, but none of them were the prize every time ones that Peter was hoping to find. He pouted.

“That’s no good. I can’t do the normal ones; I always lose”

“I’m ok at them” Thor said. “What do you want?”

Peter thought for a moment, and then shrugged. “I don’t know”

Thor turned and slotted a coin into one of the machines. Peter leant against him, watching. Thor missed completely the first two times, but on the third try he caught a funny smiling toy monkey. On the fourth go, he dropped a toy parrot into the prize return. On the fifth and final go, he got a fluffy toy rabbit with a soulful expression and soft little fluffy tail. 

Thor picked the three toys up out of the prize door and held them out to Peter.

“Take your pick”

“You’re amazing!” Peter said, carefully taking the toy rabbit from him. “I like this one… Thank you”

“You’re welcome. You can have all of them if you like”

“I think you should keep the other two. They can go on your windowsill with those teddies daddy got for you”

“Good idea” Thor said, putting the monkey and parrot in his bag. “How about one of those racing games?”

Peter smiled. “Ok!”

They went over and jumped into the plastic seats at one of the racing games and put some money in. The loud revving and music started up, and Peter couldn’t help but laugh. It felt good to do something totally childish and fun for once.

-

They spent a good hour or more messing about in the arcade, and Peter had a great time. He soon forgot about everything that was troubling him, and instead got lost in the little bit of excitement of something different, grabbing Thor’s arm and dragging him over to this game and that game, his little rabbit tucked under his arm all the while.

When they left the arcade, Peter was still giggling, giddily happy, and was content to wander round the shops with Thor without making any kind of fuss. He felt good, and Thor was generous and bought him a few more treats. He had a feeling it was more of a sympathy thing than anything else, despite Thor not being the kind of man to go in for that kind of thing. Still, Peter wasn’t complaining. It was just good to be able to do something nice.

-

They had a late lunch before heading back to the flat. Peter helped Thor sort out all of the shopping, and then put his phone on to charge.

“I think I’m gonna have a bath” he said. “Dad said we’d go somewhere nice. I’m sure he packed some of my nicer clothes. Maybe I should iron something”

“I’ll do it for you if you choose some” Thor said. “There’s no rush; it’s still fairly early”

“It’s nearly four!” Peter said. “This day has gone quickly. I’m glad we only had a little lunch. Imagine if we got to the restaurant and I didn’t have an appetite!”

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Go and have your bath”

“Ok, ok. I’ll pick out my clothes first and leave them on my bed. Are you sure you’re ok with ironing them?”

“Certain” Thor said. “Run along now. Remember to turn the whistle to the taps”

Peter laughed slightly. Thor had one of those baths with a shower build in above it, and he’d made the mistake of trying to run a bath without turning the lever before, and it wasn’t a mistake he really wanted to repeat. 

“I will. Right, I’ve wasted enough time. I’m gonna go and have my bath”

-

Peter had a long bath, and he felt better for it. He took his time washing his face and hair and body and scrubbing his nails. He knew Tony wasn’t feeling well right now, so maybe seeing his son seemingly well taken care of would help ease the burden a bit. Besides, if they were going somewhere nice, Peter wanted to look the part. 

He dried himself thoroughly, although there was only so much he could do about his hair, which remained quite damp. Still, he combed it out and decided that since it was no longer dripping wet, it would be fine. 

Thor had ironed his chosen clothes to perfection, and set them carefully on the bed. Peter took his time a little, applying deodorant and a bit of body spritzer and cologne. He checked the time and saw it was already six o’ clock. Well, at least he had another hour to continue getting ready. He bit his thumb, wondering if he should wait and get dressed in a little while.

There was a knock on the door.

“Just a minute!” Peter yelped. He quickly pulled on his dressing gown to cover his dignity. “Yeah?”

The door opened. 

“I thought you might want a drink” Thor said, holding a mug out to him.

“Oh! Thank you” Peter said, taking the mug and taking a quick sip. 

“Now, are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

“I’m sure. Dad’s taking me out for tea, remember? I wanna save myself. Besides, we had a late lunch”

“True” Thor said. “Well, drink your tea at least. I’ll leave you to finish getting ready. Anything else you need before I go?”

“No, I think I’ve got everything” Peter said. “Thank you”

-

Peter took his time drinking his tea before getting dressed. He was careful to tuck in his shirt and straighten his collar so Tony wouldn’t do it for him. He found the one pair of good shoes he had with him and gave them a quick brush before slipping them up and neatly lacing them. Finally, he pulled on his blazer and looked at himself in the mirror. Well, he thought he looked ok. He looked smart, at least, and clean. Which was just about what he was going for. 

-

Peter checked his coat was hung up by the front door, ready to go. He checked the time. 6.45pm. Wow, the time had slipped away quite quickly. Only fifteen minutes until Tony would arrive. Lovely. He was primed and ready. He straightened is jacket.

“Peter?”

Peter spun round. “Oh! Hi, uncle Thor”

“You look good, little one. Very cute”

“Thank you” Peter beamed. “I’m gonna sit here and wait for dad”

“Ok, well I’ll just be in the other room if you need anything”

“Ok, thanks, uncle Thor”

Thor left him to it, and Peter sat down on the wooden chair in the hallway near the front door. He sat up straight with his feet together and his hands on his knees, the way some of the teachers at school told him to. He kept his eyes fixed on the door, and he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

He checked his watch. Seven fifteen. He frowned slightly and looked back at the door. He waited some more.

And he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Seven forty-five.

Eight fifteen.

Eight forty-five.

Nine o’ clock. 

Peter took his phone out of his pocket. He had no new messages. He put it back and looked at the door again. Waiting.

-

“Peter?” Thor said gently. 

Peter didn’t look at him, his eyes still fixed on the door. Thor rested a hand on his shoulder.

“Peter, you need to think about going to bed now”

Peter twitched and then turned to him properly. “No! Dad’s taking me out”

“It’s nearly ten o’ clock, little one” Thor said. “It doesn’t look like he’s coming”

“But he said he would!” Peter protested. “He promised! Near enough”

“Peter. It’s late. It’s time to go to bed”

“No!” Tears sprung to Peter’s eyes. “No, I’m not going to bed! What if dad comes and I’m asleep?! We’re going out!”

“If he comes while you’re in bed, I’ll wake you up straight away” Thor said. “But look at the time, Peter. I think you need to accept that he’s not coming. It’s time to call it a night” 

Peter looked at him. He didn’t want to admit it, but he knew he was right. He’d been waiting for more than three hours. He wasn’t quite sure how to react. Part of him wanted to shake his head and sit defiantly where he was and refuse to move. Part of him wanted to throw himself on the floor and scream and kick and shout. And part of him wanted to go to his room and get undressed and crawl into bed and cry.

-

Thor went to check on Peter at around half ten. Peter was curled up on the duvet, crying into a pillow. His clothes were neatly folded on the chair, ready to go if they were needed. Thor sighed sadly and went and sat down on the edge of the bed, resting a hand on the boys bare shoulder.

“I know, sweetheart” he said. “I know”

Peter slowly sat up and held an arm out to him. Thor pulled him close and rocked him gently while he cried.

-

After Peter had finally fallen asleep, Thor went through to the living room and picked up the phone. 

“I’m sorry, but the person you have called is not available. Please leave a message after the tone”

Thor growled in annoyance. “Tony, it’s Thor. What the hell happened tonight? You could have at least let us know you weren’t coming. Poor little Peter waited for you for hours, and he’s been crying his eyes out. If you could only see the poor hurt look on that boys face! I know you’re upset and you’re having a tough time, but how dare you let him down like that? You’d better have a good excuse ready for when you come and see him tomorrow, because a simple sorry isn’t going to cut it”

-

Tony listened to Thor’s message a couple of times over. The sound of the phone had woken him up, and he’d waited for it to ring out before picking it up. He looked at the time and groaned. 

He hadn’t forgotten. Not exactly. 

He’d had a hard day. It had been a weird day, very fuzzy and confusing. But that was mainly because of the copious amounts of alcohol he’d consumed.

It hadn’t been the plan. True, he and Loki had gone overboard the previous night, and slept late as a result. They were going to try to sort things out today. But they were too depressed. Loki was still tired, so he went to his own room and went to sleep again. Tony couldn’t sleep, and the more he looked around, the more he noticed how good those dregs of alcohol looked. There was barely a shot left in a lot of the bottles around him, and wasting them seemed pointless. He just finished the few leftover bits. But then he wandered about, feeling lost, and still feeling drunk, and he kept thinking about the clinic, and the baby they’d planned for, and their little boy, and the horribleness that was reality. And he was thirsty. There was a half-empty bottle of vodka next to the sink in the kitchen. It seemed to do the trick. At least, it did at first. But then that bottle was empty, and he still wanted more. So he had more.

And more.

And more.

And more.

And then he’d fallen asleep.

And then his phone had woken him up. He listened to Thor’s message a third time as he lay on his stomach on the bed. He sighed, and send Peter a text.

‘_I’m so sorry, kiddo. Something came up. Love you lots xxx_’

He didn’t feel great about it, but he was too fatigued to dwell on it. He turned his phone into Do Not Disturb mode, rolled over, and fell back asleep.

-

Tony spiralled. It just happened. He didn’t bother trying to fight against it or think about how bad an idea it was. He didn’t have to work if he didn’t want to, and he didn’t. He just wanted to stay at home and numb his feelings. The more he drunk, the less he cried. It was hard to overthink when he was fuzzy with alcohol and weak from not eating properly. 

It seemed no time at all before the days all melded in to one and a week had passed. He didn’t leave the house. He didn’t reply to anyone’s messages. He wouldn’t even speak to Loki a lot of the time. Loki was too hurt to be of much use to anyone, and there was only so much he could do for Tony when he was like this. He tried, but he didn’t really get anywhere. He wasn’t giving up, but he wasn’t going out of his way to sort him either. He couldn’t. He spent a lot of time talking to Jo Jo, trying to clear his head enough to at least feed himself and wash his hair, if nothing else.

Tony didn’t seem to notice. He was quite happy to drink himself into a stupor, day after day. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He spurned Loki’s suggestions of having Li Allen visit, or to go to a therapist, or a support group, or have a doctor come to see him. He was drinking too much to think straight, or make any effort at any type of recovery, and in his mind, he was perfectly fine just doing his own thing. One thing he did know, however, was that he didn’t want anyone interfering.

On the tenth day, Loki watched his husband washing down a packet of biscuits with a bottle of vodka, and he felt so tired and worn down and hopeless. He’d been trying to do things the right way, to come to terms with his infertility and the loss of the baby that never was, but he didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. So he picked up a bottle of Archers and started drinking too.

And all the while this was going on, every afternoon, at Thor’s flat, Peter would refuse to eat. Every evening, Peter would have a bath and get himself dried and dressed up, shoes and jacket on, ready to go. And every evening, at six thirty sharp, he would sit on the wooden chair in the hallway, hands on his knees and eyes on the door, waiting for his dad. And every night at ten o’ clock, Thor would put a hand on the boys shoulder, and he’d be forced to haul himself up and go to his room. And he’d get undressed and fold his clothes carefully and put them on the chair. And then he’d turn the lights out and crawl into bed and sob and howl and wail until he’d eventually cried himself to sleep.

*


	7. The Fever's Gonna Catch You

-

On day twelve, Thor put his foot down.

“You don’t need another bath! You’ve had one every night for more than a week. You’ll ruin your hair at this rate”

Peter scowled. “I need to get ready”

“No, Peter, no you don’t. Come on now; this is getting silly. You can’t spend every night sat by the door waiting for someone who isn’t coming”

“You don’t know that he’s not!” Peter shouted. “I need to be ready! You can’t stop me waiting for him!”

“I’m not going to stop you waiting” Thor said. “But I _am _putting a stop to you getting yourself all dolled up and ready and then sitting in the corridor for hours on end watching the door. You can wait for your dad, if you must, but you’ll do it in normal clothes, and you’ll sit in the living room, and you’ll watch TV or play on your laptop or do your schoolwork. That way, at least your time won’t be wasted”

“But-!”

“Don’t argue with me, Peter! Now go and sit down and I’ll get dinner started”

“I’m not eating!” Peter shouted. “Dad’s taking me out!”

“Stop shouting, Peter! Fine, you don’t have to eat, but you _do _have to sit down and do as you’re told. Ok?”

Peter scowled and stalked off to the living room. He didn’t really want to get into a screaming row with Thor. He looked at the work the school had sent. He’d already finished most of it, and he was bored of it. He shoved all his school stuff onto the little shelf underneath the side table and flopped down on the sofa. He didn’t want to watch telly. There was never anything good on nowadays anyway, and Thor only had freeview, which meant there was even less to watch than usual. He didn’t want to play on his laptop either. So he just sat there and waited. 

-

Once again, Tony didn’t show, and Peter was sent to bed. He had a little cry, and then he fell asleep. 

_“…May?”_

_“Hey kiddo. Have you been asleep all this time?”  
_

_Peter looked round, his brow furrowed. He was in the kitchen at the Stark’s. He looked at the calendar, and the little Peter Rabbit stickers on every Saturday and Sunday, and every other Wednesday. This wasn’t right. He looked at May._

_“What are you doing here?”  
_

_“I finished work early” May said.  
_

_“Ok, but what are you doing here?” _

_“What do you mean? We kinda live here now, you know. At least for now”  
_

_“But… You’re dead!”  
_

_May looked down at herself. “Do I look dead to you?”_

_“But, but… But the accident! There was an explosion, you-”  
_

_“Hey, Peter” May put her hands on his shoulders. “Are you ok? I think you might have had a nightmare. I’m ok. Well, a bit cut and bruised, but so are you. But we’re ok. We’re just working things out. Since we lost so much in the explosion”  
_

_Peter stared at her. She was so close, and her hands felt strong on his shoulders. _

_“…I think I need a hug”  
_

_“I think you do, too” May said, and she pulled him close.   
_

_Peter hugged her back, and she felt so warm, so real, that he started crying, just a little bit._

_“Oh Peter” May said. “That whole burst gas main thing has really given you a knock, hasn’t it? It’s ok. We’re ok. I’m here”  
_

_“I love you…”  
_

_“I love you too. Shh, stop crying. You’re ok. I’m not going anywhere just yet”  
_

_“You promise?”  
_

_“How could I promise?” she suddenly stepped back, and her face grew dark.   
_

_“M-May?”  
_

_“How could I promise, when you couldn’t protect me?” And suddenly she was looming above him. “You weren’t there. You were useless. You let me die, Peter. That’s why you’re upset; you feel guilty. You let me die”  
_

_“I-I didn’t! I didn’t, it was an accident! We don’t know that I could’ve done anything to help you!”  
_

_“That’s what you think. I died because of you” _

_“N-no! No, May, I’m sorry! It wasn’t my fault! It was an accident!” Peter stepped back, and suddenly fell through the floor.  
_

_He shrieked as he fell, landing on dark, dusty concrete. He looked around, and he was back in the flat on that fateful night, seeing his clothes and all his stuff torn and broken and covered in dust. He could see the flashing lights of ambulances and fire engines in the distance. He could hear a fireman shouting out for him. _

_“You were ok” May said, still looming above him, standing on a ledge above him. “You just lay there and let someone get you out and look after you. You were fine-”  
_

_Peter tried not to listen. He tried to stand up, but he was trapped by the wooden beam and rubble atop him. He couldn’t move, and then May had hold of his head, holding him still, making him look at her._

_“May, I-”  
_

_“And where was I while you were warm and safe with people fussing over you? Oh, you know where I was, trapped in that kitchen, by that oven, gas-powered. And a burst gas main? You were selfish, running off for something as trivial as your charger. And I was there, like this” and her face changed, cuts appearing, blood gushing, drowning her features and now-mottled skin as her eyes turned white and her hands became claws. “You did this to me. You’ve landed on your feet. And you’ve forgotten about me”  
_

_“No! No, I never forgot, I never forgot! May, I love you! Please, I didn’t-”  
_

_“You killed me, Peter” she hissed, blood dripping onto his face as she snarled at him. “Now I’m going to repay the favour. After all, isn’t that what family does?”  
_

_Peter tried to break free, but she had him round the throat, and everything underneath him suddenly fell. He felt it all crumble away, and then there he was, suspended, with only the clawed hand round his neck keeping him from falling._

_“May-!” he choked, looking pleadingly into the almost unrecognisable blood-soaked face above him. “P-please..!”  
_

_“Please never saved me. Why should it save you?”  
_

_And then she let go, and he fell, hard and fast, the wind rushing in his ears, the sharp rocks beneath him growing closer, and closer, and-_

Peter woke up as he hit the floor, legs kicking, fists punching, mouth screaming, tangled in a heap beside the bed. 

“Peter?!” Thor burst into the room. “Peter! Hey, are you ok?”

Peter just screamed more. Thor untangled him from the duvet and pulled him close, cradling him. Peter screamed and clung to him, and then started howling, desperate, fearful cries.

“I’M SCARED! I’M SCARED! HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!”

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m here”

“I want my dad!” Peter sobbed. “I want my _dad_!”

“Shh, shh. Ok, I know, darling, I know”

“I want May!” he cried. “I want May!”

“…Your aunt?”

“Yes! I want my aunt! I miss her so much!” 

Thor wasn’t sure what to do. Peter didn’t seem to be calming down.

“It’s my fault! She was in my dream, an’ I haven’t dreamt of her for so long, and she said it was my fault she died, and I, I, I-”

“Hey, it’s not your fault”

“I know! But the dream felt so real”

“It was just a dream. Just a nightmare. You know she wouldn’t really blame you”

“I’m scared! I’m so scared and I want her so much!”

Thor stayed still, cuddling him, trying to think. Somehow he didn’t think going to the Stark house was a good idea. But what was it people always did on the telly when they couldn’t get a baby to settle? Maybe that would work. 

-

Peter wasn’t happy about being put down on the back seat, but Thor had had the sense to bring his old seal toy with him, and that seemed to help him calm down a little. Thor strapped him in and then got into the car and started driving. Peter didn’t even bother trying to puzzle it out. All he knew was the last time he’d been put in the car with no explanation, he hadn’t been happy about where he had ended up. 

He cuddled up with his seal and cried, trying to get the horrible images from his nightmare out of his head. He knew it was just a nightmare, and that it wasn’t real, but now he couldn’t stop thinking about May. He could often go a while without thinking about her nowadays, but her loss still hurt, and he still missed her.

He really, really missed her tonight. He kept thinking about all the stupid jokes they had and all the good times they spent together, both with and without Loki and Tony. He couldn’t held being reminded of the horrible feeling he’d had when they’d told him that she’d died. He remembered hours hunched up asking for her, waiting for her to come into the room. He remembered how absolutely shattered and hopeless he’d felt for so long after her death. He hated remembering. It was easy with his original parents, because he didn’t remember them, and his memories of his uncle had long since grown fuzzy, so that was easier too. But May? Everything still felt so fresh. All his memories of her seemed so close sometimes. Sometimes - rarely, but sometimes - he woke up in the morning and forgot she was dead. And then he’d suddenly remember and he’d have to take some time to himself to try to process it quickly before carrying on with his day. 

He hated hurting like this, but at least it meant she wasn’t being forgotten. Even if it was so painful.

-

Peter didn’t really register the drive, and he certainly didn’t register the drive through. It wasn’t until the car stopped and he realised that Thor was holding a cup out to him that he started to process everything. 

“Drink” Thor said. “It’ll help”

Peter carefully tucked his seal under his arm and took the Starbucks cup. He swallowed hard.

“What time is it?”

“About half past three in the morning” Thor said. “Are you ok?”

Peter paused, and then shook his head. Thor didn’t say anything, but he got out of the drivers seat and climbed into the back with Peter. 

“I think it’s a stress response, having nightmares” Thor said. “Your daddy used to be the same… That sounded like quite a major one. I thought you were hurt at first”

Peter looked down at his cup. “It didn’t look like her, not really. Only at first. But then it all went weird, like the other mother from the film Coraline. It was kinda like that, y’know, that bit near the end where she goes all skeletal and stuff? May… May never had a bad word to say about me. We were friends… I know it wasn’t my fault, and I know she wouldn’t ever blame me for what happened, much less try to hurt me… But the dream still felt so real at the time. Like, when she hugged me, I could almost swear I could smell her. But… well, it got scary so quickly”

Thor sighed and put an arm round the boys shoulders. “You poor little thing. I know dreams can be upsetting, even when you know they’re just dreams”

Peter leant into him. “…I’m sorry I woke you up”

“Don’t be. I’m glad you did: you needed me” he said. “Drink, Peter”

“…What is it? Is it coffee?”

“Give me _some_ credit, little one. Do you really think I’d give you coffee at four in the morning?” Thor shook his head slightly. “It’s one of your favourites”

Peter swallowed and raised the cup to his lips. He didn’t really know what he was expecting, but the hot chocolate was a nice surprise. It was good, too, especially considering how hungry he was after another night of not having any tea. 

“Good boy” Thor said gently, watching him drink. “There, that’s better, isn’t it?”

Peter nodded slightly, as much as he could without spilling his drink. There was something so comforting about the warm liquid soothing his throat and tummy. He started to feel calmer, and the more he drank, the safer he felt. 

“There, you’re relaxing now” Thor said. “Why don’t we go head back to the flat and get you back into bed?”

“Can we stay here? Just like this, just for a little bit?”

Thor ran his fingers through the boys curls. “Ok. But we’ll have to head back soon - you really do need to get some more sleep”

Peter nodded, putting his empty cup down and cuddling against Thor properly. Thor held him tighter, one hand cradling his head. 

“There now, little one. You’re ok. I’ve got you”

-

Peter looked up at Thor as he was tucked back into bed.

“Dad isn’t gonna come and take me out for tea, is he?”

Thor looked down at the boy, and shook his head.

“I don’t think so”

“Has he told you why?”

“He hasn’t been replying to any of my messages” Thor said carefully.

“He hasn’t been replying to mine either. Or answering my calls…”

Thor sighed and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m sure he’ll come and see you when he’s feeling better. Maybe he just needs a bit of alone time”

“What about daddy? He’s been ignoring me too”

Thor paused for a moment. “…I think he needs some alone time too”

-

Peter tried not to care. He tried to ignore everything, pretend that Tony was away on business and that’s why he was at Thor’s. He tried to pretend he wasn’t replying to his messages because he was somewhere without phone signal. But it was so hard to ignore the truth, and it hurt so much. He loved Thor, and he knew he was being looked after, but Tony had promised to visit him. It would be so much easier if he had kept his promise. 

But he hadn’t. And Peter was starting to crack under the pressure.

-

_Peter walked into the kitchen. Loki and Tony were sat at the breakfast bar._

_“Dads..?”  
_

_They looked at him. _

_“Are… are you ok?”  
_

_“Don’t be stupid” Tony snapped. “How could we possibly be ok?”  
_

_“I-I’m sorry, I just-”  
_

_“Well don’t! Haven’t you done enough?”  
_

_“Wh-what?” Peter swallowed hard. “What do you mean? I haven’t done anything!”  
_

_“Are you sure about that?”  
_

_Tony stood up, and Loki did too. Peter eyed them cautiously, taking a step back. _

_“We’re not having a baby. You know that” Tony said. “We’ve only got you. Well, if we can’t be real parents-”  
_

_“You are real parents!” Peter interrupted. “You’re my parents!”_

_“Not any more” _

_Tony glanced at Loki, who handed him a sheet of paper, which Tony held up so Peter could see.   
_

_“What’s that?”  
_

_“An annulment. As far as this, us, and the law is concerned, the adoption never happened. You were never our son, and you never will be” Tony said.  
_

_Peter couldn’t speak, staring at the page. What was happening? He felt sick. His parents couldn’t really be binning him off, could they? Could you even annul an adoption? He thought that was just a marriage thing._

_“B-but-!”  
_

_“But what?! Why do you think we’d want you? Especially now, when we’re never gonna have our own baby? We don’t want anything to do with you” Tony stepped closer to the boy. “And neither does anyone else. So what are you still doing here?”  
_

_Peter stared at him, tears pouring down his cheeks. “But dad, I-”_

_“I’m not your dad!” Tony growled, and he punched him hard in the stomach and pushed him to the ground.  
_

_Peter barely had time to comprehend what was happening before he was flat on his back on the floor with Tony’s hand round his neck. He grabbed the mans wrist, trying to push him away, trying to struggle. He looked up at him pleadingly, and then at Loki, who was stood behind Tony. _

_“Daddy-!”   
_

_“He’s not your daddy” Tony hissed, squeezing tighter round his neck. “You’re nothing to us”  
_

_He looked over his shoulder, and Peter saw that Loki was holding a pillow. Peter tried harder to struggle, but the ground was hard beneath him, Tony’s grip too strong, his body too weak. Tony took the pillow, and looked at Peter. _

_“Let’s do the world a favour”   
_

_And he pressed the pillow over Peter’s face. Peter tried to struggle, terrified, unable to see, unable to breath, only able to hear his parents manic laughter as the pillow was pressed harder and harder against him-_

Peter woke up squeaking, still barely able to breath, in heavy darkness. He soon realised he’d somehow ended up fully under the covers. He tugged the quilt off his head, flinching in the sudden glow of the bedside lamp, and he threw the pillow he’d been pressed into as hard as he could, and then he flopped back and covered his face as he screamed. He felt sick, and scared, and he felt soaked. He’d woken up in a horrible sweat, tears dripping down his cheeks, and- oh no. He sat up quickly. This wasn’t just sweat and tears.

The door opened. 

“GO AWAY!” Peter yelled. “GO AWAY, I DON’T WANT YOU!”

“Are you ok? Did you have another nightmare?”

Thor sat down on the edge of the bed, ignoring Peter’s protests. 

“Go away!” Peter whimpered, trying to push him off.

“Sh, Peter. It’s ok” Thor said, taking the boys hand in his. “I think you’re overheating”

He ignored Peter’s bitter cries and pulled the covers off him. 

“Oh…” he put his head close to Peter’s. “Have you had a little accident?”

Peter just cried harder, pulling his hand away from Thor’s and covering his face. 

“Ok” Thor said gently. “Why don’t you go and have a quick shower, and I’ll do the bed? Why don’t you get undressed in here?”

Peter nodded, and Thor tactfully averted his eyes. He sighed to himself once he was alone in the bedroom. Things just kept getting harder for the poor little kid. 

-

Peter couldn’t stop crying. He turned the shower onto its highest setting and stood crying beneath the stream. What the hell was going on? He was terrified from his nightmare, but that wasn’t his only problem. He couldn’t believe what had happened. He felt like such an idiot. He couldn’t believe he’d actually wet the bed like some little kid. He felt so humiliated and angry with himself. How could this happen to him? 

He washed himself thoroughly, but he still didn’t feel clean. So he washed himself again, and again, and again. Four times, five times. He knew he was definitely clean now, but he didn’t want to face Thor again. Not yet. But he knew he couldn’t stay in the shower indefinitely either. He sighed and shut the water off. He could always take his time getting dried and dressed. But as he thought that, he realised he hadn’t brought any clothes into the bathroom with him. He swallowed hard and wrapped a towel round his waist and another round his shoulders. He furiously scrubbed the hot tears from his face. He supposed he didn’t have a choice. 

-

Thor had just finished making the bed when Peter came back into the bedroom. 

“There’s stuff on the chair”

Peter looked. He checked Thor wasn’t watching, and then pulled on the clean pants. He spurned the joggers and vest top: it was too hot for those right now. Thor straightened up and gestured to Peter. 

“Come here”

Peter did so cautiously, suddenly scared that he was in trouble. Thor gave his shoulder a squeeze. 

“Back to bed, little one” he saw the way Peter looked at it. “It’s clean, don’t worry”

“But what about the… the mattress?” Peter said, his face flushing bright red as he said it. 

“It’s waterproof, and there was a waterproof mattress protector on it anyway” Thor said. “…I can see you’re not convinced”

He tugged at the fitted sheet, lifting the side to show the clean mattress protector, and then lifting the edge of that to show the blue plasticy waterproof casing of the mattress. 

“See? It’s all clean and dried and fine. Into bed now”

Peter swallowed. “I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. It happens to the best of us. Come on now”

Peter didn’t feel comfortable climbing back into bed, but he didn’t really know what the alternative was. He lay down and hugged his seal close, swallowing again and again to try to stop himself from crying again. He tried not to look at Thor as he was tucked in.

“I think it’s a stress response” Thor said, smoothing the covers over the boys shoulders and dabbing dry the tears from the boys eyes. “I’ve been doing a lot of reading, since I seem to have you potentially long-term now. This cropped up as a problem that happens when children are stressed. Which you most definitely are”

Peter turned onto his side, his back to Thor. “…I don’ wanna talk about it”

Thor squeezed his shoulder. “Of course. It’s late; you need to get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning”

“Thor?”

“Yes?”

“Can you annul an adoption?”

“Not as far as I know. Why?”

Peter didn’t say anything. 

“Is that what you want?” Thor asked.

“No” Peter said. “It’s what my parents did in my dream. And then they tried to suffocate me”

Thor was quiet for a moment. He rested a hand on Peter’s head. 

“It was just a nightmare, little one. It’s not real”

“It felt real”

“I know. But it wasn’t. You know that really”

“It doesn’t make it any less scary”

Thor rested a hand on Peter’s head. “You’re safe, Peter. Go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning”

-

Peter didn’t. And as the days went on, he felt worse and worse. He did his school work, and even though he skipped tea, he always had breakfast and lunch, and he tried to look after himself, and he went out when Thor told him to get his shoes on. But it was hard work, and he couldn’t relax or focus on anything for long at all. He had restless days and tricky nights. 

His apparent ‘stress response’ decided to repeat itself night upon night, in turn making Peter even more upset and angry and irritable. Thor was always very good about it, but it didn’t help much. Peter soon found he hated the rumble of the washing machine in the early hours of the morning, and he hated himself too. He wasn’t sure what to do about it. He tried not drinking anything for hours before bed, but it didn’t work - and then he was just thirsty and dehydrated on top of it all. 

“Maybe we should talk to your daddy about this” Thor said one morning. “He’s worked with children before; he might know what to do to help”

“No! I don’t want them to know! And anyway, they’re ignoring all my messages and calls anyway, so what makes you think he’d even answer?”

Thor sighed. “Alright, alright. Well, then maybe we should take you to see a doctor. Maybe there’s a medicine they could give you”

“I don’t want to see a doctor!” Peter shouted. “I don’t want anyone to know; you said you wouldn’t tell anyone!”

“Ok, ok. Don’t shout at me like that”

“Well stop going on about it, then!” Peter shouted. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

“We need to try to do something” Thor said. “I’m pretty sure you can get pads for this sort of thing”

“I’m not wearing a nappy!” Peter fumed, his face flushing. 

“They’re not nappies, Peter”

“Yes they are! Basically, anyway! I’m not doing it! Stop throwing these horrible suggestions at me. I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t need to see a doctor, and if you try to sneak those fucking things into my room I’ll knock your teeth out!”

And with that he stormed to his room and slammed the door behind him. Thor sighed. He didn’t know how to soothe Peter’s shot nerves, so solving this new problem was beyond his scope of capabilities. He sighed again and picked up the phone. 

-

Tony woke up to the sound of the landline ringing. He raised his head slowly, watching the phone as it rung. It soon stopped, and Thor’s voice leaving a message came over the speaker.

“This is getting ridiculous, you two. It’s been three weeks already! Tony, you promised you’d see him every day, but you won’t even answer his calls. Listen, I’m doing my best, but there’s only so much I can do. He needs his dads. Call me back”

Tony picked up a nearby glass and threw it at the phone. The glass knocked the phone off the hook before shattering against the kitchen wall. Tony nodded slightly and pulled his bottle of beer closer. Maybe he’d get some peace and quiet with the phone off the hook. Until it started beeping, at least.

-

Loki woke up to the sound of a thud and smash in the kitchen. He hauled himself off the sofa and stumbled through to the kitchen. Tony was pulling himself to his feet. 

“…It was empty” he said, gesturing to the smashed bottle on the tiles. 

Loki looked at him for a moment. “…Do you think I’ve always been infertile?”

Tony shrugged, grabbing the broom in one hand and a can of lager in the other. 

“How would they know?”

“I don’t know if they can tell” Loki said. “What if I did it to myself? The drinking and smoking and stuff?”

“I used to be an alcoholic” Tony said, cracking open the can and clumsily sweeping broken glass to the side of the kitchen. “It didn’t ruin mine. Maybe you’ve always been this way”

“…I still want a baby”

Tony stopped, letting the broom fall against the kitchen unit before clattering on the floor. He turned back to Loki, downing a few mouthfuls of his drink.

“Me too” he said. “Can’t have one though. But we can have this”

He grabbed another can of lager and held it out to Loki.

“I don’t drink beer”

“Better crack open your emergency gin stash, then”

Tony sat down heavily at the breakfast bar, gulping down his drink. Loki left him to it.

-

Loki found his emergency bottle of Gordon’s in the bottom drawer of his bedside table. He sat on the bed and opened it, but then spotted what else was in the bottom drawer. He screwed the lid back on the bottle and dropped it on the bed. He reached into the drawer and took out the old scrapbook. He flicked through it with shaking hands, trying to focus with blurred vision. 

He looked at the photos, all random ones out of order from the past decade or so. He looked at the pictures him with Tony on their honeymoon. He looked at all the pictures with Peter and May. He looked at the pictures of himself cut from magazine articles. He looked at the pictures from his sabbatical, of his fellow charity workers, of his colleagues at the children’s home in Scotland, at them with the children in the home. 

He looked at the picture of him with his colleagues from the hospital, all of them together after a successful fundraising event. He looked at the picture of him and Jo Jo with the quadruplets they’d delivered together in a power cut the year Loki first qualified as a nurse. He looked at the pictures from their foolish antics on the ward, including the toy frog that had turned up and they’d spent months hiding in random places for the other to find until it was claimed by the owner. 

He looked at photos of himself with Pepper at their favourite cocktail bar. He looked at pictures of them from boring parties where getting drunk together was the only way to get through without going mad. He looked at the picture of the two of them in their wedding finery. 

He looked at the photo of Peter curled up asleep in Tony’s arms on the boat across Derwent Water. He looked at a lot of photos of those two: laughing together, hugging, striking boy band poses, working together in the lab. He even had some photos from before he knew Peter, of him and Tony at expo’s together, working in the lab at Stark tower, messing about, looking so much like the people he loved, but so different too. 

He turned the page and found himself looking at photos of toddler Peter: playing with his toys, curled up on a big cushion in his little teddy bear onesie, hiding behind his toy rocket, grinning at the camera with a sparky look in his eyes. Loki stroked the photos gently, remembering that strange time between defeating Kindsprengen and getting the reversal gun. He turned the page, and his eyes rested on a photo of Peter and Pepper, a rare thing indeed. 

Loki closed the scrapbook with a snap and put it back in the drawer. He picked up the bottle of gin, looked at it for a moment, and then put that down too, closing the drawer. He scrabbled under his pillow, finding his mobile phone. 

“…Hi, Pepper? It’s Loki” he swallowed hard, closing his eyes to stop the tears from spilling. “I think I need help”

-

The phone call didn’t last long, and so it wasn’t until Pepper arrived at the Stark’s half an hour later that she realised just how dire the situation was. She found Loki in his room and dragged him to the kitchen where Tony was.

“Get off the floor” she said, so firmly that Tony did as he was asked and moved to the breakfast bar. 

“Wha’ are you doing here?” he grumbled.

“Sorting you out, and it’s a bloody good job I am!” Pepper snapped, filling the kettle and setting it on its stand, switching it on. “First things first; we need to get you two sobered up! Especially you, Tony. God, look at the state of this place! How much have you had? It looks like you’ve bought out a full off licence!”

Tony just shrugged, picking up another bottle, which Pepper snatched from him. 

“Stop it! And Loki, sit down before you fall over”

“…Thanks for coming” Loki said, taking a seat at the breakfast bar. 

“I’m glad I did. I knew things were bad, considering everything that happened, and then the weeks of ignored texts and emails and phone calls. But I didn’t realise just how bad things were here. Where’s Peter? Please tell me you haven’t been funnelling this stuff into him as well”

“He’s not here” Loki said.

“He’s been staying with Thor” Tony said. 

“Oh right. Thank god for that” Pepper sighed, spooning coffee granules into a couple of (thankfully clean) mugs. “How’s he doing?”

Tony shrugged. Pepper looked at Loki.

“…Tony hasn’t really been keeping in touch with him”

“And you?”

Loki paused, and then shook his head. Pepper sighed.

“Well, at least he’s being looked after. Time to get you two looked after now”

“Pepper, we-”

“I don’t want to hear it” she interrupted. “I don’t _need _to hear it! I can see exactly what’s happened here. I knew I should have come over, but you were so insistent you wanted to sort it yourselves, and I was trying to sort myself - and I was stupid to think I could leave you two together alone with something so serious. I knew I should’ve dragged you to that therapy appointment with me. I should have come round much sooner; as soon as you stopped replying to my messages. Not that either of you said much anyway”

“…We’ve been struggling” Tony said. “Give us a break”

“And you thought this would help?” she gestured to the empty alcohol bottles piled up on every surface in the kitchen, and the cans scattered on the kitchen floor. 

“I tried at first” Loki mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “But then we kinda… Well, this happened together”

“Well, I’m putting a stop to it” Pepper said. “We’ll get you two sobered up and sorted, we’ll tidy this pigsty of a house, and then we’ll sit down and sort everything else out”

She put a mug of strong coffee down in front of both men. 

“Drink” she said. “We’ve got a lot of work to do”

*


	8. It’s Hard To Feel What’s In Your Head

-

Pepper forced more coffee into Loki and Tony, and a starchy meal, and then sent them to one of the spare rooms to ‘sleep it off’.

“Go! I’m sick of both of you” she said, only half joking. “Go to sleep”

Wisely, they did as they were told. Pepper waited until she heard a door close and then looked at the kitchen properly. It had been a challenge cooking in such a mess, and she hadn’t really found any proper food aside from the pasta she’d served. She looked at the empty bottles and cans littered about the place. It was a bit ridiculous, really - and scary. She really wished now that she’d been more insistent and come round to help them out earlier, even though they’d told her not to. She couldn’t help feeling just a tiny bit responsible for what had happened here.

Still, she shook her head and got to work. Just clearing the huge amount of alcohol containers (which took a good three bin bags) made the kitchen look a whole lot better. Well, the rubbish had to take priority, and Pepper had a feeling there would be more bottles and cans for her to discover.

-

As was usually the case, she was right: there were bottles and cans all over the place. Loki was usually so houseproud, keeping a good, tidy home, and this was so out of control, so absolutely opposite to the usual, that it made the desperation of the Stark’s mental state so much clearer - more so even than Loki’s cry for help.

-

It took a long time just to get rid of all of the rubbish and open the windows. It was clear very early on that this was not a one man job. Well, those two had to channel themselves into something. She knew what they were going through - heck, it had hurt her too. But Loki and Tony needed to step up. They weren’t going to get over the blow overnight, but they needed to pick themselves up, look after themselves, look after each other, and seek help. Proper help. Calling Pepper had been the first step - a big step, she knew that. Now they needed to sort their house out. And then they needed to talk. Properly. It was the only way they were going to come to terms with any of this.

-

Loki and Tony didn’t sleep for too long, and Pepper somehow managed to walk in just as they were waking up.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

“Slightly sober” Tony said, wrinkling his nose.

“Mm. And my head hurts” Loki said.

“I’m not surprised” Pepper said, opening the window as wide as it would go. “Right, we need to do something about this house. Get up”

“I said _slightly _sober” Tony scowled.

“That’s good enough. Nothing like a bit of hard labour to sort your heads out. Come on; there’s loads of work to do. This place is a mess. Now get up”

Loki sighed and hauled himself out of bed. Tony did too, but he didn’t look happy.

“Ok. I’ll do the kitchen and bedrooms” Pepper said. “I definitely don’t trust you anywhere near knives and glasses right now. Tony, start with your study and work your way round from there. Loki, start on the landing and work your way from there. We’ll meet in the middle some time and then tackle the downstairs together”

Tony stared at her. She smiled slightly, twirled the cleaning keys on her finger, and then threw them to Loki, who caught them easily enough.

“It’s open, but you should keep hold of those. So” she stood to the side of the doorway, nodding out to the landing. “Get busy”

-

Pepper set FRIDAY back up, and put the stereos and radios on, bringing a bit of life to the dirty depressing house. That, and the open windows blowing in cold air, certainly helped. Tony grumbled like anything at first - Pepper could hear him from down the hall - but after a while he went quiet, focusing on his work. Loki was quiet all the while, but he worked diligently, and Pepper fancied she could see a change in him after the first hour. It looked as though keeping busy was helping.

-

Pepper had given herself a tough job, as the kitchen was in a dreadful state state. That took the longest, a good 90 minutes from washing up at the start to sweeping and mopping the floor at the end. From there she had the bedrooms. Loki’s room was in a much better state than Pepper had expected, which was a relief. It was just a shame she couldn’t say the same for Tony’s room. She dreaded to think what his study and the lab were going to be like. She did their rooms, and then checked all the spare rooms, straightening out the room Loki and Tony had slept in. She went and checked Peter’s room. Aside from the spare rooms, it was definitely the cleanest place in the whole house as far as she’d seen. It just looked the same as it usually did, only a bit dusty and with some things out of place. She gave it a quick going over anyway, and then went and took the mountain of dirty washing down to the laundry room.

The laundry room certainly hadn’t been used any time in the past month. Well, thank god for the two washers and dryers, she thought, putting a couple of loads in. This was going to take a hell of a long time.

-

Eventually it did start to look like they’d made some sort of progress. Once the upstairs was finally done, right down to the windows being cleaned and the skirting boards being wiped clean, they went downstairs. The lab hadn’t been used, which was a huge worry considering how Tony usually reacted in times of crisis, but at least it meant giving it a clean wasn’t too much of a struggle. The swimming pool was maintained by an outside source, so they didn’t need to worry about that. Pepper set the two of them to work on the little side stores and the main lobby and stairs while she sat and sifted through the post, separating the junk mail from the actual mail, sorting it into recipient piles and sub-piles, from important to less important to not important. She set it all carefully on the little round table in the entrance, deciding there was nothing that couldn’t wait until tomorrow. After all, some of those letters had waited a month already.

-

It was dark by the time they’d finished. Pepper told them to go and shower and get changed, and once they had done so, they all three flopped on the sofa in the living room. It felt a little strange seeing everything so clean and orderly again after so long.

“How do you feel now?” Pepper asked after a few minutes.

“Sober” Tony said, and Loki nodded in agreement.

“You nearly look it. I know you’ve been drunk for a while now. We need to be a bit carefully, especially with you, Tony. I’m going to stay for a while” she said. “I’ll help you, both of you. We’ll get you better”

“What’s the point?”

“You’ve got a life to be getting on with. And you’ve got a son, who I daresay is going to really be missing you. We’ll get you well enough to go and see him. We’ll work on the rest as best we can”

“How have you done it?” Tony almost snapped. “You were cut up about it when you found out too”

“Yes, I was. I still am” Pepper said. “It’s a bit different for me though… I was just a bit more proactive, seeing that therapist, talking to people, friends, family. Keeping myself busy. I knew I should have seen you earlier. I didn’t realise how bad things were when you stopped replying to my messages and ignoring my calls”

“I don’t think he realised either” Loki said. “I think… When I went the same way, I knew how dire things were, but it didn’t hurt so much when I was drunk. So I just ignored it”

Pepper sighed sadly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you earlier. We need to sort you out. I’m going to cook, and tomorrow we’re all going to see a therapist”

“I don’t want to see a therapist!” Tony snapped.

“You need to!” Pepper snapped. “Look at the state you got yourselves into! Thank god you had to sense to send Peter to his uncle’s”

“I sent him to get him away from Loki”

Loki and Pepper stared at him.

“…What?”

“You heard me” Tony scowled at her. “I thought Loki was gonna hurt him, like in all those case studies online where people have lost kids and taken it out on their other ones”

“What?! Tony, how could you think so lowly of me?” Loki stared at him, tears filling his eyes. “How could you think-”

“I didn’t _want _to think it!” Tony interrupted. “I just did, and I tried to shake the thoughts, and then you shoved him, and even though you hugged him straight away afterwards, you still hurt him! You made him squeak! And I was scared, Loki. I was really scared. I knew I wouldn’t be able to look after both of you, and if you started hurting him, I just- I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t take that risk!”

“It’s just as well” Pepper said. “He needs to be out of the way while you two are as low as this. Loki, don’t look so defensive. Tony, it’s ok. You just did what you thought was best”

Loki went quiet. He didn’t know what to say. He turned away from Tony.

“…I let him down. I was gonna take him out. I slept through it, and then I kept meaning to go, but every night I just couldn’t” Tony said thickly. “And then I stopped thinking about it. Even though he keeps calling and texting”

“That’s something you need to make amends for at a later date. We need to sort out the here and now first” Pepper said.

“My retest came back the same” Loki said. “I’ve got another one in a couple of weeks. It’ll be the same though, I know that already”

“Loki, darling” Pepper sighed. “I can only imagine how this feels for you, if it feels like this for me, and if it’s done this to you two. But you can get help. There’s options”

“It was always going to be the three person way” Tony said. “That way it would’ve been both of ours”

“…We’re not having a baby” Loki closed his eyes and rested his forehead in his hand. “I can’t have children”

“No, you can’t. Not like that” Pepper said. “And it’s horrible, but you can’t change that. But you’ll come to terms with it”

“There’s no help for people like me” Loki said. “Even people at work know that. There’s no infertility support for men, not really. They just shove adoption and sperm donation suggestions at you”

“You’ve already done one of those things” Pepper pointed out.

“It’s not the same”

“No, it’s not” she said. “But it’s something to consider. You’ve got a kid. You might not have made him, but you’ve got him, and he’s yours. Undeniably yours. Maybe… a baby-”

“No” Loki said. “We were going to make one. I’m not adopting a baby. I want my _own _baby”

“Loki, that’s impossible now, you know that” Tony said.

“I know” Loki sighed. “But it’s still what I want”

There was a small silence. Pepper checked her watch and sighed.

“I think it’s time we all called it a night. We’ve got to get up in the morning”

“I don’t want to go to that therapist” Tony spat.

“Tough” Pepper said. “You’re going. Now go to bed”

-

Two days later, there was a knock at Thor’s front door. Peter stayed where he was, settled on the sofa in the living room with his book. He heard all the muffled voices, sounding quite heated, and then he heard Thor calling his name. Cautiously, he made his way to the kitchen - and froze.

“Oh…”

He glanced at Pepper, and looked at his parents. He’d spent so long willing them to show up, wishing to see them, but now that they were here, he suddenly wished they were anywhere else. Suddenly he didn’t want to see them, or be near them. He felt weird - nervous, almost scared. His heart was thudding in his chest, and he suddenly felt cold.

“Hey sweetheart!” Tony said, smiling at him. “How are you doing? Thor looking after you ok? It’s so good to see you! I’ve missed you, kiddo”

Peter didn’t say anything. He felt sick. He hurried over to Thor’s side, keeping a good distance between him and his parents, trying not to look at them.

“Do you want a drink?” Thor said gently, stroking the boys hair gently.

He went over to the fridge and got out a bottle of pop, which he handed to Peter. Peter took it, holding it in both hands. He felt sick, and his eyes had started to fill with tears.

“What’s up, kiddo?” Tony said, concerned. “You feeling poorly? Hey, come and give me a hug. A little cuddle will help you feel better. Come on, chick, come here”

Peter didn’t. He looked at Thor for help. Thor squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

“Why don’t you go back to your room for a bit?” he said.

Peter nodded, grateful for this excuse to leave, and made for the door.

“Hey!” Tony made a grab for him.

Peter dodged, and Thor caught hold of Tony to stop a second attempt, letting Peter escape.

“Leave him alone”

“He’s my son! I just wanna give him a cuddle”

“Well, he doesn’t want you! You’ve had every opportunity to see him, but instead you cut him off for no reason. You’ve got no right to barge in here after not seeing or contacting us for weeks”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not my son! You can’t just stop me from seeing him”

“I’m not: he is. He doesn’t want to be near you, that much is clear. And I can’t blame him. You broke his little heart, abandoning him like that”

Tony pulled free from Thor, and sat back down heavily. Thor looked at him. He looked at Loki, and then at Pepper.

“I take it you’re the reason they’re here now?”

“Well, essentially, yes” Pepper said awkwardly.

“Well done” Thor said. He looked between Loki and Tony. “What was it? Was it alcohol?”

They paused, looking uncomfortable, and then Loki nodded.

“A part of it…” he said.

“A large part?” Thor pressed.

Loki looked at Tony, and had to nod.

“You don’t get to judge” Tony said crossly. “You don’t know what this is like for us”

“No, I don’t” Thor said. “But while you’ve been drowning your sorrows and wallowing in self pity, _I’ve _been looking after your little boy. Single-handedly, might I add, and in difficult circumstances where I couldn’t even get in touch with his parents when I needed help, and sorting some of these problems hasn’t been an easy feat. I know what happened was awful, but you should’ve done better by him. He needed you, and you weren’t there”

For a while no one knew what to say.

“I tried at first” Loki said eventually, keeping his eyes cast down. “But the way Tony was got to me. And then it just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere the way I was doing things. So it was easier just to join in…”

“You should have called me, called _someone_. You should have reached out!”

“I did…”

“No you didn’t, otherwise we wouldn’t be in this mess”

“He rang me” Pepper said. “A few days ago. He knew he needed help; he admitted it”

Thor sighed, covering his eyes for a moment. “Well, they’re here now, and I suppose that’s progress”

“It is. You didn’t see the state of them and the house when I turned up. This is a huge turn around”

There was another short silence.

“…I can appreciate that, and everything you’ve done” Thor said. “And I’m proud. But there’s still a lot of work to do”

Everyone else nodded. They all knew Thor was right.

“You’ll get there, with the right support” Pepper said. “You need to let us help you”

Tony and Loki nodded slightly. Tony sighed and stood up.

“I want to see my son”

“No” Thor said firmly. “Leave him alone. He’s got enough to contend with without you going in and upsetting him. You can see him when _he _decides he’s ready”

Well, Tony didn’t like that. He exploded, and Thor shouted back. Loki tried to calm them at first, but then the tension turned onto him, and it wasn’t long before all three men were shouting back and forth between themselves. Pepper watched them for a while. She knew there was no point interrupting or trying to get them to stop, so she slipped out of the kitchen.

-

Peter pushed his headphones back off his ears so they were round his neck. He looked up at Pepper.

“Hi, kid” she said gently. “Mind if I join you?”

Peter nodded, turning his music player off. Pepper closed the door and went and sat down beside him on the bed.

“You’re not here to try to get me to go and talk to my dads, are you?”

“No” Pepper said. “I’m not surprised that you don’t want to see them”

Peter nodded. “Why didn’t dad come to see me? He promised he would. And then he blanked all my calls and texts and stuff”

“They both spiralled and went to a pretty dark place. You don’t need to know the details. But they’re getting better. They’ve made the first few steps anyway, and they’re working on it. They’ll visit now. You won’t have to see them if you don’t want to, but they’ll still visit”

“Mm…” Peter went quiet, listening to the sounds of the men shouting in the other room. “It’s weird hearing uncle Thor so angry and shouty and stuff. He’s not really that kind of person. Not with me, anyway”

“Has he been looking after you well? I’ve been a bit worried about you, especially since I found out how bad things were with your dads”

“Yeah, he’s been really good. He’s always so kind and understanding and stuff, even when I’m being kinda difficult. He doesn’t really get cross and he never shouts or smacks me, so that’s good, I guess… He’s been trying to help me with my school work too, even though he doesn’t really understand a bunch of it. He’s really bad at geography, but at least there’s google and textbooks and stuff to help”

“Tony said you’re off school at the moment”

Peter nodded. “I still get all the work sent to me, and then I do it and send it back, and then they send it back to me when it’s been marked. And I can email some of my teachers if I need help”

“How are you finding that?”

Peter shrugged. “Ok, I guess. I mean, it’s a little hard to concentrate sometimes, and they don’t really send enough to occupy me for like, a full week, so it’s easy to get bored too. I’m still getting decent grades but… Well, you know. I’m still sad and stuff”

“I know” Pepper looked at him. “Have you been getting out much?”

Peter nodded. “We at least go on a walk every day, even when I have a tantrum about it. Uncle Thor keeps taking me to museums and out to the cinema and on like, bus rides and train journeys and stuff. Or just like, takes me to the shops or out for lunch and stuff. He said daddy was really bad when he lived here ‘cos he didn’t get to go out much and he got bored and frustrated, and I guess he wants to stop me from kicking off and stuff”

“Well, that’s good, and that makes sense. Is it working?”

“Kinda. I still kick off sometimes. I’ve got a lot of stuff to deal with”

“I know” Pepper put an arm round Peter. “You’re a good kid. I’m glad you’re being looked after properly and you’re keeping up with your school work. I’ll come and see you too, if you like”

Peter nodded. “That’d be nice”

“Have you been seeing your friends at all?”

Peter shook his head. “It’s a bit awkward right now, y’know. They’re all at school and it’s all ok for them, and I’m here just… It’s still weird to think about it. Don’t you think? I mean, well, you’d be pregnant by now if things had gone the way they should’ve done”

“Yes, I know. It _is _strange to think about it. I’d been preparing for it too. I had so much in place. It’s a horrible situation, poor Loki’s condition, but I’m starting to come to terms with it, and your parents will come to terms with it too. They’ve still got you to think about, regardless of the whole IVF situation”

“They haven’t been thinking about me so far” Peter said bitterly. “Daddy hasn’t seen me or spoke to me or anything at all, not since the day dad dropped me off here. And dad buggered off and stopped getting involved soon after that anyway. They haven’t thought about me at all the past however many weeks”

“They still love you, kiddo”

“You don’t know that”

“Yes I do”

Peter didn’t look convinced. He put his headphones back on. Pepper noticed he didn’t turn the music on, but she got the message. She gave him a squeeze and stood up.

“No one is going to force you to do anything. Take care, Peter. I’ll see you again soon. You’ve got my number if you need me”

-

The men had finally stopped shouting when Pepper got back to the kitchen. They were glaring at each other, breathing heavily.

“Finished?” Pepper said, raising an eyebrow pointedly at them.

They nodded, and Thor sighed.

“I stand by what I said” Thor said. “You stay away from him”

“He’s my son!” Tony shouted.

“Will you stop?!” Pepper snapped. “Can’t you at least _try _to discuss this in a civil manner?”

“What is there to discuss?” Tony scowled. “I can see my son if I want to”

“He doesn’t want to see you. I think you should keep visiting, but don’t force yourself on the poor kid. He’s got every right to be angry with you”

“This is a waste of time” Tony said. “Let’s just go home. I’m gonna go and say goodnight to my son”

Loki grabbed his hand. “Don’t. Leave him alone”

Tony pulled his hand away and stormed out of the room. They all froze, and then heard the front door go. They all breathed out, relieved he hadn’t gone to Peter.

“We should go” Loki said.

Thor nodded and pulled him close. “Stay in touch this time”

Loki nodded slightly and pulled away. He looked at Pepper. Pepper looked at Thor.

“Sorry for springing on you like this”

“No, it’s ok. Thanks for giving these two a kick” Thor said. “Maybe see you again some time”

“Sure” Pepper said. “Goodbye”

-

Thor knocked on Peter’s door and opened it.

“They’re gone”

Peter nodded. “I know”

“Is there anything playing through those headphones?”

Peter shook his head. Thor closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Are you ok?”

Peter shrugged. “I thought I’d be excited to see them again. Happy”

“But instead?”

“I don’t know. I just felt all weird and scared and angry. I know they’re all kinda upset and hurting and stuff but they still abandoned me”

“What do you want to do now?”

Peter swallowed. “…Can we order a takeaway?”

Thor took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Peter. Peter smiled slightly and leant into Thor as he opened a takeaway app. Thor gently took Peter’s headphones off and moved them aside.

“That’s better” he said softly.

Peter made a vague noise of agreement, scrolling through some menus. Thor rested a hand on Peter’s head.

“It’ll be ok” Thor said. “You don’t have to see them until you’re ready”

Peter nodded slightly. “Thanks… Have you ever thought about having kids?”

Thor paused. “I’ve never really been in the right situation to consider it. Why?”

“You’d make a good dad. You’re good at looking after me”

“Well, thank you” Thor said. “I’m trying to do my best by you. I love you, little nephew Peter”

“I love you too, big uncle Thor”

Thor smiled. “Good. Now, what are we having to eat?”

-

Pepper made Tony help with the tea.

“You two were ridiculous today” Pepper said. “Loki, you barely said a word. And Tony, you said way too much. Actually, you didn’t speak; you shouted. A lot. No wonder the poor kid holed up in his room! You made Thor worse too. As if he wasn’t angry enough already, all that stuff you shouted at him. Listen, you’ve both done really well these last few days, and I’m proud of you, but today you really showcased how much more work you’ve got to do”

Loki stayed quiet, and for a moment, Tony did too.

“It’s only been a few days” he said. “It wasn’t easy for us either, we all know that. You saw the look on Peter’s face. How do you think that made me feel?”

“I know, but-”

“I’ve got enough going on without losing my little boy. Thor might be looking after him, but he’s got no rights here. He can’t keep him forever, and he can’t stop me seeing him”

“He’ll try though” Loki said.

Tony looked at him. “That kid has been my little boy for way too long for me to give him up or go down without a major fight. Thor can’t take him from me. I trusted him to look after him, but he’s still my son. I’m definitely not letting anyone get in the way of that. Even if the IVF fell through, I’m still a dad”

“Well then you need to work on getting better so you can _keep _being a dad. You’re good dads, both of you” Pepper said. “But you’re not in the right position to do your best by your kid right now”

“More therapy sessions and things like that” Loki said. “And we need to get in touch with Li Allen”

“Do that soon” Pepper said. “She’ll be able to help you better than I can. I love both of you so much, but there’s only so much I can do. I’m not a professional”

“We’ll sort it” Loki said. “I need to get back to work”

“You need to think about yourself first” Pepper said. “You can’t look after anyone else until you look after yourself”

*


	9. Sooner Or Later

-

Loki and Tony’s visit really unsettled Peter. He was uncharacteristically quiet for the rest of the evening. He ate absent-mindedly, and ended up eating too much as a result. He lay on the sofa with a tummy ache, brooding.

“I think you need to call it a night” Thor said eventually. “It’s getting late. I think you need to rest”

Peter didn’t argue. 

“Do you want me to take you?”

Peter shook his head. Thor nodded understandingly.

“Ok. I’ll come and check on you in a little while”

“Ok. Goodnight”

“Goodnight, little one”

-

Thor rested a hand on Peter’s head.

“I know you’re awake”

“I don’t wanna talk” 

“Is there anything in particular you want to do tomorrow?”

“I said I don’t wanna talk”

Thor sighed. “Ok, kiddo. We’ll talk tomorrow”

-

Peter wouldn’t say a word all day. He refused to go on a walk. He spurned all of Thor’s suggestions of things to do. Instead he spent the day in front of the telly, eating crisps and thinking. 

The doorbell went at seven o’ clock that evening. Peter stayed on the sofa. Thor answered the door, and a few minutes later, Loki, Tony, and Pepper came into the living room. 

“Hey, sweetheart” Tony said. 

Peter looked at him, and then back at the telly. Tony sighed and sat down beside him. Peter immediately stood up and moved onto the other sofa.

“Peter! Don’t be like that”

Loki sighed and sat down next to Tony. 

“How are you doing today, Peter?” Pepper asked.

Peter shrugged and turned the telly up. Pepper sat down next to him.

“Peter, you can’t stay quiet forever” Thor said. He turned to Loki. “He hasn’t said a word all day”

“Bambino, listen” Tony said. “I know I’ve been rubbish, but I’m here now. I want to make amends. Why don’t we go out? Come on, we can go out somewhere nice, just us two. What do you say?”

Peter didn’t look away from the television. He didn’t want to listen to him. He wasn’t hungry either, so there was no point in going out for tea. He just wanted to stay in and watch telly. Was there really anything so wrong with that?

-

The visit didn’t go well. Peter ended up storming to his room because Tony kept bothering him, which resulted in another argument with Thor. This was going to be a lot harder than they first expected. 

-

Peter emerged from his room after his parents had left on the seventh unsuccessful visit. Thor shook his head at him.

“You need to talk to your parents”

“I don’t want to” Peter said, turning the kettle on.

“I know, but the only way you’ll make up with them is to talk. You need to at least try”

“I don’t see why I should” Peter said. “They ignored me when it suited them. Why shouldn’t I ignore them when it suits me?”

“Is that your plan? To ignore them for a month?”

“Yes”

“It’s not a great plan” 

Peter shrugged. Thor sighed and turned the kettle off. 

“You’re not helping yourself or anyone else, you do know that, don’t you?”

“You said I wouldn’t have to see them if I didn’t want to”

“I know I did, but it’s been a little while now, and I think you need to start reconciling”

“I don’t want to. It always feels so forced anyway, what with both of them, _and _Pepper, every night. Daddy never really says anything and none of them look like they’re here out of choice”

“Of course they come out of choice, Peter. They love you. Even if you won’t talk to them, they still want to see you. They’re doing their best, you know. They’ve come a long way in the last week”

Peter went to turn the kettle back on, but Thor stopped him. 

“You can’t ignore this forever”

“I can try”

“I won’t let you”

Peter tried to turn the kettle on again, and Thor grabbed his hand.

“Stop it! Now, I think we need to sit down and talk about this. You’ve been so quiet this week”

“I don’t want to talk”

“Well, then I think it’s time to go to bed” Thor said. “Do you need a towel?”

“I’ve got one” Peter grumbled. He looked at the clock. “It’s only ten o’ clock”

“It’s bedtime” Thor said firmly. “Go to your room”

-

Loki put his mug down.

“He probably just needs a bit more time to process everything” he said. “He probably still feels neglected”

“He barely even looks at us!” Tony said. “He hasn’t said a word these past four visits. He just kinda blanks us and then disappears at the first possible opportunity”

“He’s just upset” Pepper said. “He’ll come round eventually”

“Maybe we should get Thor to send him back to school” Loki said. “He seems to be doing ok - current issue aside - and his school work is fine. Maybe a bit of normality will help him. If he sees his friends again and gets back into the routine, maybe he’ll want us again”

“I don’t want to send him before he’s ready”

“I think he _is _ready” Pepper said. “He’s bored at Thor’s. They’ve exhausted all possibilities of things to do at this point, and he told me he doesn’t have enough to occupy him. I agree with you, Loki: send him back”

“Well…” Tony thought for a minute. “Ok, well, I’ll ask Thor to pitch it to him. I don’t suppose it’s really gonna affect us anyway”

Loki nodded slightly. Tony sat down heavily.

“…I think I should go alone tomorrow”

Pepper and Loki looked at him. 

“Why?”

Tony shrugged. “I’m the one who put him there. I think I’m the one he’s angry with more than anyone else. I was the one who let him down, so I think he needs to make up with me before he’ll be happy to talk to either of you”

Loki didn’t say anything. Pepper took his hand, giving it a squeeze.

“I think it might be a good idea” Pepper said. “You know your son better than I do”

“You’ll still stay for a bit though, right?” Tony said. “You’ll stay with Loki?”

Pepper nodded. “Of course. I’m not leaving you two alone just yet”

-

Pepper sat down with Loki after Tony left the next evening.

“Right, you can speak now” she said.

“What do you want me to say?”

“Anything. It’s strange seeing you so quiet. You should definitely be throwing a tantrum”

Loki smiled slightly. “Well, I’ve been feeling a bit too subdued for that”

“I’ve noticed” Pepper said. “Now talk to me”

“…I can see why he’s gone alone” Loki said. “But still, I feel as though I’m very disconnected from it all. From Peter, and the whole situation surrounding that. And I feel as though this is my fault”

“What?”

“All of it. I got greedy”

“What?”

“I did” Loki said. “I’ve wanted a baby since before Tony and I got together. Not that Tony always wanted the same thing. But then he did…”

“What makes you greedy?”

“I got all this” Loki gestured to the room. “I got all this. A home. A life. A job. Friends. A husband. A son. A family… But I still wanted more. I just _had _to have a baby. I already have so much more, _so _much more than I ever thought possible. I’ve been so lucky. But it couldn’t be enough. I just had to have more. I’d already had enough kindness, and now, well, my luck ran out. It’s like everyone, everything was saying; we’ve given you so much. You’ve got enough. You can keep what you have, but that’s it. You can’t have any more than you’ve already got”

“This isn’t a game of luck, Loki” Pepper said. “There’s no one up there controlling fate. It’s just the way it is. Maybe it _is _unlucky. But maybe it’s just one of those things. No one’s punishing you for wanting more. You’re not the first parent to want a second child”

“I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve the child I have”

“You’re a brilliant dad to that boy”

“I still think about the first time he called me that”

“He’s yours, no matter what”

“I keep telling myself, at least I’ve got him… But it’s not that much of a comfort. I just keep thinking about what could have been, everything we’d all planned. We were going to have a baby”

“I know”

“I still want one”

“I know. I do too. So does Tony”

Loki nodded. “…Peter was so ready to be a big brother. He’d’ve been good at it”

Pepper held Loki’s hand tight.

“It’s not that I don’t still love him” Loki said. “It’s just that I haven’t known what to say to him. He hasn’t been interested anyway, so it hasn’t been that important. I-… I just need more time to get to grips with this”

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel real”

Loki nodded. “No… Sometimes it just feels like a rumour. Even though I know what-… what my results were and are… Sometimes it feels like there’s some hope. Even though there isn’t”

“You need to talk at the therapy sessions” Pepper said. “You really need to get everything off your chest. Tony and I have both talked, but you’ve just stayed quiet. I can understand why, but still. You need to talk”

“I’m talking to you now” Loki said. “It feels odd. Like I’m listening to someone else talk. But it’s me”

“I get that”

“I don’t know what to do, Pepper. As much as I know it might be one of those things I won’t get over, but instead learn to live with, it’s still hard to figure out how to reach that point. I’ve been trying to think about it properly but my mind just goes blank and I find myself staring at the wall or ceiling for minutes at a time, unable to zone back in. And I keep having dreams where everything went right and we’ve got a baby. It would have been a girl. It’s always Princess in the dreams, never Oliver. We would have had a baby girl”

“Part of me thinks the same”

“The dreams feel so real, like memories. Visions, perhaps. Peter sometimes talks about other timelines, other existences. It’s just fiction, things from his books, but maybe that’s what the dreams are. Another lifetimes memories. Sometimes I wake up and it takes a minute for me to remind myself that it was a dream and not a memory”

“You’ve gotta stay in your own reality, Loki”

“The other realities are nicer”

-

Peter didn’t look happy to see Tony. As usual, he stayed quiet and averted his gaze, leaning against the arm of the sofa. Tony sighed and sat down beside him.

“You’ve had some post. It’s on the kitchen table here when you want it” he said.

Peter kept his eyes glued to the telly. 

“Daddy and I got you some things. Thor’s putting them in your room. Thought you’d probably smack them out of my hand if I tried to give them to you direct”

Peter glanced at him, but quickly looked away.

“I’m gonna put my arm round you, alright?”

Peter didn’t respond. Tony put an arm round Peter’s shoulders. Peter startled and froze, but he didn’t move other than that. He swallowed, keeping his eyes fixed on the television. He wasn’t sure how he felt. Tony rubbed his arm gently.

“There we are” Tony said softly. “You’re quite warm. You’re not feeling poorly, are you?”

Peter didn’t say anything. He felt a little funny though. Maybe he _was _poorly. He wasn’t sure. He looked at Thor, who was watching them closely. Thor smiled reassuringly at him, and mouthed; “it’s ok”.

“We were talking last night, me and daddy and Pepper” Tony said. “You’ve been doing well with your school work and Thor has talked to us about you, of course, and, well, we were thinking you might feel ready… ready to go back to school?”

Peter paused for a moment. He didn’t say anything, but he finally relaxed a little and leant against Tony. 

“You could wait until Monday, obviously. I know it’s only Tuesday, but still. If you feel like you’re ready, I’ll give the school a ring and let them know”

He paused, and then put his other arm round the boy, hugging him properly. Thor watched them, getting ready to step in if need be. As it was, Peter seemed ok: he settled against Tony, who continued to rub the boys arm.

“I am sorry, you know” Tony said. “About everything”

“I know” Peter said. 

Tony looked surprised. “You spoke!”

Peter kept his eyes down, and kept quiet.

“We can go out, if you want to. I did promise I’d take you somewhere nice” Tony said. “We could go now?”

“He’s already eaten” Thor said. “He’s started eating in the evenings again”

“Oh, I see” Tony said. “Well… that’s good, isn’t it? Well, maybe we can go tomorrow? Or another time. It’s up to you, kiddo”

Peter rested his head against Tony’s chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating. It wasn’t as though it had been such a long time since he’d heard such a sound:- he’d often rested on Thor’s chest listening to his heartbeat - but it felt as though it had been years since he’d heard his father’s heart. It sounded so different to Thor’s. It was nice; comforting. Peter started to feel a little more relaxed. He started feeling calmer, less angry and resentful of his father. He started feeling closer to him. Just a little bit.

Tony ran his fingers through Peter’s hair. “I’d almost forgotten how soft your hair is. You’re such a fluffy little thing”

“How’s Loki?” Thor asked.

“Much the same” Tony sighed. “Pepper’s with him. Hopefully they’ll get talking. He’s been so quiet lately”

“I’ve noticed. I can’t help thinking it would be easier if he was shouting and screaming about it”

“Oh, definitely” Tony nodded. “It’s weird seeing him so quiet. I wish he would just shout a bit. He cried for so long, and now he just cries a little bit, and he’s so quiet. He’s thinking such a lot, but he’s just not sharing much”

“Poor Loki. I’ll try to talk to him some time soon. He looked better yesterday, mind. Less pale” Thor said. “He’s better, evidently. He’ll keep getting better. So will you”

Tony nodded. He kissed Peter’s forehead gently. 

“We’ll all get there. Eventually”

“Peter?” Thor said. “Are you ok?”

Peter made a vague noise and closed his eyes.

“He’s been so sleepy today” Thor said. “He didn’t get out of bed until after one. He had a disturbed night, and he was so fast asleep this morning that I didn’t want to wake him”

“Maybe he’s getting ill” Tony frowned. “He’s quite warm”

“Maybe he’s just tired. He fell asleep for a bit around four o’ clock too”

Tony looked down at Peter. “Poor little thing. You’ve had a tough few weeks, haven’t you, chick?”

Peter did not reply. 

“Is he asleep?”

Tony shook his head. “Not yet”

“You are allowed to go to bed if you’re tired, little one”

“I think he’s comfortable here” Tony said. “At least, I hope he is…”

“He looks it” Thor said. “He’s… Well, I think he’s doing ok”

“Going back to school might be good for you, darling” Tony said. “Something to do, at least. Besides, you’ll see your friends again. I bet you’ve been a bit lonely here”

There was a long silence. 

“Your voice isn’t quite ready to come out, is it, chick?” Tony stroked Peter’s cheek gently. “My little boy…”

“It’s getting on a bit, Tony” Thor said. “I think you should put him to bed”

Tony pinched Peter’s ear gently. “…He’s asleep”

“Well, in that case, perhaps you should call it a night”

“I’ll take him to bed anyway” Tony said. “I’ve carried this little boy enough times to know I can do it”

-

Tony left Peter in the joggers and vest top he was in, and tucked him into bed with his rocket and seal. He kissed him gently on the forehead and knelt down by the bed.

“I love you, chicken. I absolutely adore you. And I’m sorry. You know I’m sorry… I’ll be back tomorrow. Just me” He glanced at the bag beside the bed. “There’s some stuff in there for you when you’re ready to open it. There’s a letter, too. Hopefully at least one thing in there will bring you some comfort”

-

“So, how did it go?” Pepper asked when Tony got back to the house.

Tony shrugged, sitting down next to Loki, putting an arm round his shoulders and resting their heads together.

“He let me hug him”

“Oh cool” Pepper said. “That’s progress, then”

“Yeah… He fell asleep on me too. I’ll go alone again tomorrow night and see what happens. Thor said he’d been asleep most of the day, and he did look kinda tired. Maybe that’s why he relaxed against me”

“Or maybe he’s just ready to forgive you” Pepper said.

“Maybe he just needed you” Loki said. “You know how much he loves you. He basically hero-worships you”

“…What about you? How did tonight go?”

“We talked” Loki said. 

“Ok” Tony nodded. “And..?”

Pepper and Loki looked at each other.

“And it was ok” Pepper said. “I think we made a bit of progress”

“Good…” Tony kissed Loki’s cheek gently. “Loki?”

“Mm?”

“I think you should call Jo Jo”

Loki paused. “Why?”

“I think it would do you good. See a friend. Another friend. I know you told him about all this”

“I’ll think about it”

-

Loki called Jo Jo the next morning. Jo Jo wasn’t working, so they decided to meet up. Loki told Tony he didn’t know how long he’d be, and he left. Tony got out a rough pad and sat at the breakfast bar, sketching. Pepper soon joined him. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Absolutely nothing” Tony said. He sighed, setting his pencil down. “I don’t want to wait until this evening to see Peter”

“Who says you have to?”

“You’d be here alone if I did”

“I’m a big girl; I can look after myself”

“…Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Go on. He is your son, after all”

Tony looked at her. He stood up, hugged her, and grabbed his keys.

“See you later”

-

Thor didn’t look too happy to see Tony.

“You could have let me know” he said.

“Sorry. I didn’t think it’d matter”

“Well, we were going to be going out” Thor said.

“Oh”

“Mm” Thor sighed. “Well, you’d better come in then”

Tony closed the door behind him and went through to the kitchen.

“He’s in his room” Thor said, following.

“Ah. Ok, thanks” Tony nodded, wandering off and knocking on the spare room door. “Peter, darling? It’s dad”

There was a brief silence, and then the door opened. Tony smiled at Peter.

“Hey, sweetie” he said. “How are you doing?”

Peter didn’t respond. He looked past Tony at Thor, who was stood close by.

“We’ll go tomorrow” Thor said.

Peter nodded slightly, and went and sat down on the bed to take his shoes off. Tony went and sat down next to him.

“Sorry I didn’t say I was coming earlier. Were you gonna be going anywhere nice?”

Peter shook his head slightly, pulling his shoes off and setting them down by the bedside table.

“Have you had lunch yet?”

Peter shook his head.

“Ok, well, how about us going out for something to eat? We can go anywhere you’d like, anywhere at all. And then we can talk. What do you say, kiddo?”

Peter looked at Thor, who was stood in the doorway.

“Don’t look at me, little one” he said. “It’s your decision. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do”

Peter nodded. He looked at Tony and shook his head.

“Ok, maybe some other time then” Tony said gently. “Well, how about I make you lunch here? Are you hungry?”

Peter shook his head. Tony sighed silently.

“Ok” he said. “Do you mind if I give you a hug?”

Peter hesitated, and then shook his head. Tony carefully wrapped his arms round Peter. He held him close, breathing him in, touching his hair gently.

“My boy. My little boy” he kissed him hard on the cheek. “I love you so much”

Peter leant against Tony. He didn’t hug him back, but he stayed quite contentedly in his arms. He’d missed this. And somehow, he felt comfortable enough to admit that to himself.

-

Peter wasn’t speaking, so Tony didn’t stay for too long. He’d had a cuddle with his son, and that was enough for him for now. 

Peter had a bit of a cry after Tony had left, and later found himself feeling lonelier than ever. All of a sudden he missed his dad again. He really, really missed him. And he wanted him. Badly.

And then he started thinking. 

He was staying with Thor, of course. But no one had explicitly told him he couldn’t go home. Not recently, anyway. The house was his home, and it had been for so long now. Why shouldn’t he go home? Ok, maybe there’d be some issues with him going back full time, but what was there to stop him from going back just for a little bit, just for a visit? He wanted to see his dad, and see his dad he would.

-

It was dark when Peter reached the house. He’d thrown a tantrum and Thor had sent him to his room, and he’d taken that opportunity to sneak out through the bedroom window. Peter opened the front door and slipped into the house as quietly as possible. The house was strangely quiet and dark, but he could hear something in the distance.

Peter made his way up the stairs, slowly, carefully. He reached the top of the stairs, and went onto the main hallway. It was still dark, but he could see that the kitchen light was on, and the sound he’d heard was clearer now. He realised it was Tony talking. He crept closer, stopping against the wall by the kitchen door, hidden from view.

“…There’s no help for it” Tony said. “We can try as hard as we can, we can talk for hours on end, but that’s all”

Peter listened, soon realising Tony was alone, and talking on the phone.

“I don’t know what else I _can _say. There’s no proper support for people like us. All the help is for women. I kinda know why, I can see why, and it’s good there’s stuff for them, but it doesn’t help me and Loki. I’ve found a few articles and stuff but it’s all either stuff saying there’s no help for men facing infertility, or stuff like those leaflets and like Loki said people would say; just telling us to go for adoption and sperm donation… Yeah, I guess traditional IVF is sort of an option for us, but I don’t think Loki would ever be on board with it”

Peter stayed as still as he could, his heart thudding in his chest. He could hear the hurt in Tony’s voice, and it was unnerving. The past six weeks seemed to have gone on for years. It was scary how bad things still were.

-

Peter listened to Tony talking for a long time. Eventually, the conversation turned to him. 

“I do miss him now” Tony said. “It’s been a lot longer than I realised… Yeah, of course I missed him at first. But then I was drunk for so long I couldn’t really think about, but this last week has been horrible”

Peter swallowed hard. He could feel his pulse beating in his neck. He felt bad, eavesdropping like this, but he couldn’t help wanting to hear it. 

“Things have been better the last couple of visits. I mean… Well yeah, that’s what I thought, all things considered, but I guess he was angry and upset… I think he still _is_, but it’s a bit hard to tell, considering how long I went without seeing him” Tony said. “…Well, today, he kinda hugged me. Well, he leant against me when _I _hugged _him_, anyway. It’s was so nice to hold him again. It’s kinda hard to explain. It’s just always been a nice thing, yknow, holding him… Well exactly. Despite everything, I mean, it could’ve been worse. Even if he’s cross with me, I’ve still got my son. That definitely counts for a lot”

Peter’s eyes welled with tears and he covered his mouth with his hand. He wasn’t sure why he was feeling so emotional, and he wasn’t entirely sure what he was really feeling. 

“…Yeah, that’d be good. I’ll have to talk with Loki and Pep when they get back, confirm things. Ring me tomorrow, and we’ll talk… Yeah, we’ll plan it. Talk to you later. Love you, pal. Bye now. Bye”

Peter heard the phone being put down, and suddenly he couldn’t stay hidden any more. He ran into the kitchen, making Tony jump and gasp.

“Peter?!”

Peter ran and threw his arms round Tony, burying his face in his chest. Tony stood in shock for a moment, and then hugged the boy back, holding him like he would never let go.

*


	10. Home Seems Oh So Far

-

It felt so good having Peter cradled in his arms like a baby again. Tony rocked him gently, stroking his hair and looking down at him fondly.

“I don’t suppose you told Thor you were coming here?” he asked eventually.

Peter shook his head. “I just kinda snuck out”

“I thought as much” Tony said, running his fingers through his curls. “Sweetheart, you shouldn’t’ve done that. You need to go back”

“But I needed to see you. I-… I missed you”

“Oh darling” Tony sighed. “I missed you too, but Thor will be so worried when he notices you’re gone. Maybe I should ring him”

“No!” Peter protested, sitting up quickly. “I’ll get into trouble!”

“Ok, ok, I won’t ring him. But you do need to go back. It’s getting late”

“When can I come home?”

Tony swallowed. “I don’t know. Not yet. Daddy and I are still working on things”

“Where is he? I want to see him”

“He’s gone out with Pepper. Change of scene” he said. “They’ll be back soon… Bambino, my darling… I don’t want you to go, but you really need to. I’ll come and see you again tomorrow though, I promise”

“Can we go out?”

“Sure… Oh darling” Tony squeezed him tight. “You’re such a good boy. Come on: I’ll drive you back”

-

Tony and Peter stayed in the car outside Thor’s flat, watching the rain pattering against the windscreen.

“I really don’t wanna go back in now”

“I know, chick. But you have to”

“…I hate nighttime”

“Have you been having nightmares?”

Peter nodded slowly. “Other stuff too… I’ve had quite a few arguments with uncle Thor lately, ‘cos I keep trying to put off going to bed, or just like, refusing, and then he gets cross with me. Even though he tries not to. I think he’s fed up”

“What? With you arguing?”

Peter shrugged. “A bit. But more than that, I think he’s fed up of looking after me on his own. I guess I don’t make it easy for him sometimes”

“I don’t think he’s fed up of you” Tony said. “I think he’s fed up of the situation. I guess… Well, daddy and I were pretty awful, what we ended up doing, and yeah, leaving you and him to get on with it and cutting you off and stuff. Thor’s done so well with you. You really mean a lot to him, kiddo”

“I know… You know, if the situation wasn’t… Wasn’t what it is, I think I’d be happy here. I know he’s been trying really hard, and he’s been great, but I’ve not really been feeling well enough to appreciate it. I mean, it’s not like I’m here as a treat”

Tony sighed. “I know, chick. I’m sorry. But I’m glad you’re here. I really am. I think it was for the best, and I still think you’re better off here. For now, at least”

“Mm… I don’t really understand you”

Tony leant over and unplugged Peter’s seat belt, and gave him a hug.

“I love you, darling” he said. “Now go on, go back inside. Go through the window if you don’t wanna face your uncle. Just go in, and I’ll see you tomorrow”

Peter sighed. He hugged Tony back, and opened the car door when Tony let go of him. He paused, and then stood up.

“Goodnight, chicken” Tony said. “I love you lots”

“I love you too”

-

Peter pulled the bedroom window closed behind him and flopped on the spare room bed. He wasn’t sure how he felt. He lay there, trying to think, but just going blank. He turned onto his front, and then slipped off the bed and went to find his uncle.

-

Thor was in the living room, reading. He didn’t look up when Peter came into the room.

“Uncle Thor?”

No response.

“Uncle Thor!” Peter said, louder.

Thor looked up. “Sorry, little one” he set his book down. “What is it?”

“Um… I just wanted to say sorry. Y’know, for what I said earlier. I didn’t mean to be so nasty”

“I know, Peter. I know you’re still feeling a bit rubbish”

Peter nodded and sat down beside him.

“Peter, it’s late. Go back to sleep”

“I’m not tired”

“Peter, please. Just do as you’re told”

Peter swallowed. “You’re angry with me, aren’t you?”

“I’m not angry” Thor said. “I’m just tired. I’ve been so busy recently. You’re not a bad kid, but you’ve definitely increased my workload”

Peter was hurt for a moment, and then angry. He scowled. “I didn’t _choose _to be here, or have that _problem_, you know”

“I know. I’m sorry; that came out wrong. I didn’t mean workload. I just mean I’ve got a lot more on my plate, considering the situation that’s caused you to be here. I know your parents are struggling, and it’s a lot worse for them, but it’s still been tough on me. And on you. It’s tough seeing you so down”

Peter softened. He sighed. “I’m sorry”

Thor took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “You don’t need to be sorry. Now, darling. Sweetheart. I meant to ask if you’d made a decision about school yet”

Peter shook his head. “I haven’t really been thinking about it”

“Ok. Well, there’s still time. Now, it really is late. Have you got a clean towel in your room?”

“Um… I don’t think so”

“Grab one when you go and do your teeth. It’s bedtime, Peter. Go to bed now”

“But-”

“Peter. Go”

Peter opened his mouth to argue, but then thought better of it. He sighed and nodded.

“Ok. Night”

“Goodnight”

-

The next day, Tony decided it was his turn for a change of scene. 

“But I won’t go out, not if you don’t want me to” 

“I’ll be fine” Loki said. “I’ve asked Jo Jo to come round”

“Oh right” Tony looked at Pepper. “Well, uh, me and you can go, right?”

“Sure” Pepper said. “Remember I’ve got to be back at work tomorrow”

“Yeah, sure” Tony said. “Well, uh, if you’re sure you’re gonna be ok, Lolly. We’ll see you later”

“Go” Loki said. “Like I said; I’ve got a friend coming. I’ll be fine”

Truth be told, he just wanted the house to himself for a little bit.

-

Loki and Jo Jo had talked feelings and infertility to death. It had helped, of course, but this time they set talk of the hurtful situation aside fairly quickly. Jo Jo was full of hospital gossip, and he had a lot of stories and updates for Loki. It was nice to talk about something light and relatively mindless for a change. The last few weeks had been so heavy and painful, and today was a refreshing change. But the hours went on, and the conversation turned back to the inevitable.

“I like to think I would have been a good dad”

“You _are _a good dad, Loki” Jo Jo said, leaning against his shoulder. 

Loki looked at him. Jo Jo looked back, raising an eyebrow.

“Peter?” he said. “Don’t tell me a few weeks of alternate accommodation have made you completely forget about your kid”

“Of course not” Loki said. “He’s just not what I’ve been thinking about”

“You’ve still got a kid, darling” Jo Jo said. “Time to put him back on your priorities list”

“It’s not as easy as that”

“When did you last have a conversation with him?”

Loki went quiet, thinking. “The day I found out”

“You haven’t had a conversation with your son for six weeks?” Jo Jo sighed.

“Loki, come on. No wonder you’re finding it so hard to take your mind off everything. You need to plow your efforts back into your family”

Loki slowly turned his head to him. “You’re lecturing me, aren’t you?”

“Sure am, beautiful. I know how heartbreaking your results are, but no amount of moping and whining is going to change them, so you might want to think about moving forward”

“I have thought about it” Loki said. “I’m just not there yet. I keep thinking about what I could have had”

“But you couldn’t have had it. You were dead set on a three-person baby. That was and is never going to happen with your results. The way I see it, you’ve got four choices: traditional IVF with Tony’s jizz, traditional IVF with a donor, adoption, or stepping back from the idea of expanding your family. Loki, I love you, and I understand, I really do. But it’s been two and a half months now. You need to make a decision”

“If I let traditional IVF go ahead with Tony… If Pepper was still our surrogate, I’d never be able to see it as my baby” Loki said. “I’ve thought about it before, and I’d just see it as Pepper and Tony’s baby”

“What about with a different surrogate?”

Loki shook his head slightly. “I don’t know. It was always going to be both of ours. Our own flesh and blood”

“It would still be both of yours” Jo Jo said. “Peter is both of yours, and there’s no DNA connection there”

Loki nodded slightly. Jo Jo looked at him hard.

“What? Have you changed your view on adoption?”

“No!” Loki said. “No, of course not. Peter’s always going to be my baby. But he’s not _a _baby. You know how long I’d wanted that”

“A baby isn’t out of the question” Jo Jo said. “You just can’t make one yourself”

“But that’s what I wanted. Even though I can appreciate that the other options aren’t lesser, that’s still what I want. Even knowing what I know”

“What are you going to do, Lokes? Realistically”

Loki was quiet for a good minute. He took a deep breath, looking away from Jo Jo. He shook his head. “…I’m not having a baby”

“Ok” Jo Jo said quietly. “So that’s what you’re not doing. What _are _you going to do?”

“I don’t know”

“Yes you do” Jo Jo said. “You know exactly what you’re going to do”

Loki looked at him. He looked at his dear friend, leaning against his shoulder, looking at him with such love and genuine concern. He’d always been such a good friend to him. He felt so much for him. He still felt empty and numb and even shocked from his fertility results, but he definitely felt something more when he was with Jo Jo. 

So he kissed him.

“Loki” Jo Jo said, pulling back and putting a finger to Loki’s lips. “I love you. I really do. But you’re hurting, and you’re married. I’m not about to kiss you back and potentially cause problems or further issues. I’m sorry”

“No” Loki sighed. “No, _I’m _sorry. I don’t know why I did that”

“You did it because you’re hurting and you love me. But you don’t love me like I love you, and we both know that”

Loki nodded. “I think you’re right”

“I am” Jo Jo said. “What are you going to do, Loki?”

“…I’m going to look after my family” Loki said. “I’m going to support my husband better. And I’m going to talk to my son”

Jo Jo smiled a little, and nodded. “Good man. You’ve got a good plan. Are you going to visit him tonight?”

Loki shook his head. “Tomorrow. Tony’s taking him out tonight. I’ll go and see him tomorrow”

“Ok. But you know you don’t need to see him to talk to him”

Loki stared for a moment, and then reached for his phone. He paused, and then sent a quick text:

_‘I’ll see you tomorrow evening, sweetheart. I love you so much, my son. Daddy xxx’_

He showed Jo Jo the text, and Jo Jo nodded.

“He’ll text back” he said. “Probably not straight away though”

“No” Loki sighed. “Somehow I feel like I don’t know him anymore”

“Five minutes with him, and you’ll feel like you’ve never been parted” Jo Jo said, squeezing Loki’s hand. “That’s how it usually is”

Loki took a deep breath, and nodded. “I hope so. We haven’t gone through something like this before”

“You’ve been through a lot together, you Stark’s. You’ve grieved before, more than most people. You’ll get through this together. You’re nearly out the other side. Few more steps, darling. You’ll get there”

“Thank you” Loki breathed out, nodding. “Thank you. We’ll get there. Me and Tony. And little Peter. And Pepper”

“Exactly” Jo Jo nodded. “And I’ll help as long as you want me to”

Loki nodded and sat back, taking a deep breath and breathing out slowly. He nodded, closing his eyes for a moment. He’d get there. Eventually.

-

Peter’s face lit up when he saw Tony that evening.

“Dad!” he beamed, jumping up and holding his arms out to him.

“Hey, darling!” Tony grinned, scooping him up and hugging him tight. “Ooh, my little boy! It’s so good to see you!”

Peter giggled, nuzzling into Tony. Tony laughed slightly, and held him at arms length.

“Look at you! All dressed up and cute and smart” Tony smiled. 

“Good evening, Tony” Thor said.

Tony’s smile dropped, and he looked at Thor, feeling awkward. 

“Hi, Thor” he said. “How are you?”

Thor twitched a little. “Are you taking him out?”

Tony nodded. “Yes. You didn’t feed him already, did you?”

“No” Thor said. “I wanted to, but he refused”

“But I told you I’d be taking him out”

“Yes, but last time you said that, you didn’t come back again for a month”

“Point taken”

Peter looked between the two grown ups. It was hard to ignore the obvious tension in the air. Tony’s hands were still on his shoulders, and his grip had tightened noticeably since he’d started talking to Thor.

“Dad?”

Tony tore his eyes away from Thor and smiled at Peter.

“What’s up, bambino?”

“Are we… Um, are we going now?”

“Sure” Tony kissed Peter on the nose. “Go and get your shoes on”

Peter still looked a little nervous, but he went off to finish getting ready. Tony shuffled on his feet and cleared his throat.

“So” he said. “How’s he been today?”

“Ok” Thor said. “He trusted you to come. You didn’t let him down this time”

“Right. Has he made a decision about school?”

“Not yet, but I think he’ll probably go back” Thor said. “I think he’s lonely here”

“Yeah” Tony sighed. “Well, we’ll see what he says”

“Where are you taking him?”

“There’s this fancy joint in town I took him to when he was still technically my apprentice” Tony said. “He loved it back then, and I thought it might be nice to go back, since it’s been so long”

“How long are you going to be out for?”

Tony shrugged. “A few hours, I guess. I won’t keep you waiting all night”

“Thanks. Listen, Tony. I’m glad to see he’s getting comfortable with you again. You’re a good dad. But do you know when Loki’s going to visit again?”

“Tomorrow, he said. He wants to see Peter again, talk to him and stuff”

“How’s he doing?” Thor asked, in a very different tone of voice.

“You know, I think he’s doing better” Tony said. “He had Jo Jo round today, and I think he reached a milestone while they were talking. I think he’s ready to start moving forward. He seemed a lot calmer today”

“That’s good” Thor said. “That’s really good to hear”

“Yeah” Tony said. “It’s a relief. Especially since Pepper is going back to work tomorrow so it’ll just be the two of us again”

“If he’s ready for it, it will be perfectly fine” Thor said. “I’m looking forward to seeing him. He acknowledges my messages, but he doesn’t exactly reply to them. I’d like to talk to him properly”

“Well, he should be round tomorrow, so-”

“Ready!” Peter said, springing back into the hall, shoes and coat on. 

Tony smiled. “Looking cute, kiddo! Ok, let’s get going”

“Ok!” Peter hugged Thor tight. “Bye, uncle Thor! See you later”

“See you later, nephew Peter” Thor smiled, giving him a little cuddle. “Be good. Have fun”

“I’ll try”

“See you later, Thor” Tony said. 

“See you later”

Tony put an arm round Peter’s shoulders. “Come on then, kiddo: our table awaits”

-

Peter looked around as he sat swinging his legs at the glass table.

“You know, sometimes I feel like I really haven’t gotten used to being rich” he said.

Tony looked up from his menu. “Yeah?”

Peter nodded. “Yeah. I feel kinda the same as I did when you brought me here before, back when I was officially just an apprentice”

“You’re dressed better than you were back then”

“Well, I didn’t really have any formal wear. And besides, you didn’t tell me we were going out; you just took me. So I didn’t really have time to smarten up”

“No, I suppose not. Still, you looked respectable, at least”

“We went out a lot back then. Y’know, back before I met daddy. We did loads of stuff I never expected to do”

“You found everything so exciting” Tony said. “You were always so bubbly, practically in danger of bubbling over! It was cute”

“Yeah…” Peter looked down at his menu. “I don’t know what to have. I remember what I had when we were here before, but the menu’s changed”

“Yes, well, it has been quite a few years” Tony said. “You can have anything you like. We’re not in a rush, so don’t feel pressured”

“Are we- um, are we having three courses?”

“Yeah, may as well. Push the boat out! Might even have coffee and truffles at the end”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! You know full well I can afford it” Tony said, taking Peter’s hand and kissing his knuckles. “Besides, you could do with a little treat after the tough time you’ve had lately”

Peter just nodded, reading through the menu again. He definitely knew what more things actually were than he had the first time, but it was still hard to choose. Even though he recognised a lot of high class dishes now, he wasn’t exactly a fan of them. Seafood was definitely not an option he was a fan of, and he didn’t really like duck or pigeon or any other meat that couldn’t generally be found in the freezer aisle. The vegetarian options were a bit odd too; lots of courgette and beetroot and pulses and other things he wouldn’t usually touch. Even the drinks menu was tough: it largely only listed alcohol, and the non-alcoholic drinks were not the usual stuff. All he really wanted was a pint of coke, but it looked like he’d have to content himself with some kind of strange presse or juice. He had a feeling he’d had an elderflower drink here before, but he couldn’t quite remember. 

He knew Tony had probably already made a decision about what he was going to have, but he had a feeling he himself would be here a long time deciding.

-

Mercifully, Peter found Coca-Cola listed on the drinks menu, albeit at an outrageous price for a drink you could get a two litre bottle of at the supermarket for just a couple of dollars. Tony had the same, telling Peter is was because he was driving, but keeping to himself the fact that alcohol would be dangerous for him considering the mess he’d ended up in lately. 

“And what can I get you to eat this evening, gentlemen?”

Tony told the waiter his order first: earl grey tea cured salmon with pickled lemon salad and sorrel to start, followed by grilled swordfish steak à la Niçoise, serviced with aubergine caviar, olive tapenade and sauce vierge with fresh basil as a main.

Peter had to try very hard not to raise his eyebrows at Tony’s order. Still, he also couldn’t help feeling that Tony’s order put his choice of baked camembert as a starter and a rather basic burger with melted cheese, onion rings, and mustard mayonnaise look almost primitive. 

“Who first thought curing fish with earl grey was a good idea?” Peter asked once the waiter had gone.

“Probably Gordon Ramsay” Tony said. “Why?”

“Seems weird. Also why are people eating swordfish?”

“It’s nice” Tony said. “I can see by your little wrinkled nose that you’re not convinced”

Peter shrugged. “Have you ever looked at a swordfish? They’re pretty scary looking fish”

“People don’t choose them for their looks”

“Evidently not”

Tony looked at him. “What’s up, kiddo?”

“I don’t know”

“You do. What are you thinking?”

Peter shrugged again. “Well…”

“Go on” Tony said, picking up his glass. 

“Well… Life has kinda been normal while I’ve been at Thor’s. Well, not normal, but… Well, Thor’s just got a normal flat. It’s not really _that _much bigger than mine and May’s flat in Queen’s. He doesn’t even have Sky TV. We’ve gone out to eat, but just at normal places. He’s bought me treats, but like, cheap ones, not silly things like five grand watches. It’s just been really normal, like… Well, not like it is at home”

“It’s making you think about what things were like before, isn’t it?”

Peter nodded. “A bit. I still sometimes feel like I’m not used to being a billionaires son. I mean, these little 250ml bottles of coke were $5! We’ll probably need at least another one each, to get us through three courses, so that’s like, $10 each on a drink you can get for like, a dollar fifty at the corner shop. It’s like, when things get ‘high class’, sometimes that just means needlessly expensive”

Tony was quiet for a moment, and then he sighed slightly. “I grew up in a different world to you, kiddo. I’ve always been in a place where I don’t need to check my bank account and sort out overdrafts and all that stuff. Whereas you, well, you know what it’s like to have to walk because you can’t afford the train, and you’ve had to wait a couple of weeks before to get a new pair of shoes when you needed them. You kinda grew up in the real world. We’re from different classes, originally. But guess what, kiddo? You’re in this class now. Have been since the accident, and you will be for the rest of your life”

“I know that. But it’s still weird”

“You’ve seemed so well settled though. At school as well as home”

“Yeah… Well, I like school, most of the time. But even that still feels like being on a telly programme or something. Some of those classrooms make you forget technology is even a thing! It’s ok though. I mean, I’ve got my friends, even though they don’t really understand some of my experiences”

“You do really well at school” Tony said. “Even while you haven’t been going, the work you’ve been sent to do has been completed to a brilliant standard. You’re a smart kid”

“Mm”

“You are settled, despite all the rocky bits. You’re comfortable at home, most of the time, right?”

Peter nodded. “I’m happy at home, when things are going well. But it’s different being home”

“I get it” Tony sighed. 

Peter swallowed. “Are you cross with me?”

“No! No, of course not” Tony said. “I’m just still feeling a little mixed up. I’m sure you are, too”

Peter nodded. “Maybe a bit”

“Daddy’s gonna come and see you tomorrow” Tony said, changing the subject. 

“I know” Peter said. “He texted me”

“Oh right” Tony said, surprised. “Did you reply?”

“No”

“Oh. I see”

“No you don’t”

Tony went quiet, looking at his son. He wasn’t sure what to say to that.

-

The first course was a very quiet affair, but a few minutes into the main course, conversation sparked up again, and it was comfortable. It wasn’t long before Tony and Peter were talking as though the past six weeks had never happened.

“Oh god” Tony wiped the tears from his eyes. “You’re such a funny kid, oh my god..! Oh god, I’ve missed this”

“Well, I _am _pretty special”

“Special needs, more like”

Peter gave him a look and stuck his tongue out at him.

“Cheeky! You’re in a fancy restaurant, you know”

“Oh believe, me; I know” Peter said, setting his cutlery across his empty plate.

“Cute. How was your burger?”

“It was pretty good” Peter nodded. “How was your swordfish?”

“Exceptional, as always” Tony smiled. “Are you full up, or do you have room for pudding?”

“I’ve always got room for pudding”

Peter didn’t like the look of most of the puddings. It was a lot of weird stuff he’d never heard of, and a lot of things he knew he wouldn’t like, such as poached pears. He liked the sound of the warm chocolate tart with mascarpone ice cream, so he quickly decided on that. Tony wasn’t outlandish in his third course choice, ordering a crème brûlée. Peter noticed that it said on the menu that they flambeed at the table. 

The desserts arrived, and as Peter watched the flame burning the top of his father’s dessert, he couldn’t help the uncomfortable thought that he’d ended up in the strangest world imaginable. But he shook off the thoughts, and focused instead of how nice it felt to spend time with his father again, and to be comfortable doing so.

-

“Isn’t it bad to drink coffee this late at night?” Peter said.

“Well, maybe” Tony said. “But hey, it’s a treat. How’s yours?”

“It’s good” Peter said, sipping. “Do you think uncle Thor’s gonna be cross when we get back?”

Tony checked his watch. “Nah, it’s not that late. He’ll be fine”

“Yeah… I’m so full, honestly. I think I’m gonna sleep well tonight”

“Yeah, me too, kiddo”

Peter looked down at his cup, and set it down on the table. “Hey, dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I… can I come back to the house tonight?”

Tony sighed. “Not tonight, sweetheart. I don’t think we’re ready. Daddy certainly isn’t”

“Oh… He will come tomorrow, won’t he?”

“Of course he will! He’s looking forward to seeing you. I think he’s turned a corner; he’s really ready to talk to you and be your daddy again, properly”

Peter got out his mobile, rereading the text message Loki had sent him. He sighed silently and put his phone away, picking up his mug and draining the rest of his drink.

“I’m ready to talk to him too”

-

Thor sighed a bit and shook his head at Tony when they got back to the flat, but he didn’t say anything much, but he did point out the time.

“Your uncle’s got a point, kiddo” Tony said. “Come on; let’s get you to bed”

Peter hung onto Tony’s arm and happily let him take him to bed. While Peter was getting changed, Tony noticed the bag beside Peter’s bed.

“You haven’t opened your gifts then” he said.

“No. Not yet” Peter said, sitting down on the bed.

“Do you want to open them now?”

Peter paused, and shook his head. “I’ll open them with daddy tomorrow… Is that ok?”

“Sure, kiddo, whatever you like” Tony patted the pillow. “Lie down then”

Peter did as he was told. Tony turned the lamp on and the light off, and then gave Peter his toy seal and tucked the covers round him. He sat on the edge of the bed, resting his hand on Peter’s head.

“You look tired. Despite your drink”

“I _am _tired” Peter said. He nodded slightly. “Despite the cappuccino. Not as dangerous as we first though, was it?”

Tony smiled. “Maybe not”

“Thanks for tonight, dad. It was good. Y’know, spending time together again”

“Yeah, it was nice” Tony kissed Peter gently. “I love you so much, bambino”

“I love you too” Peter said. “You’re definitely coming tomorrow night with daddy, aren’t yo?”

“Definitely. Wild horses couldn’t stop me”

Peter smiled and snuggled down contentedly. Tony stroked his hair gently and kissed him on the forehead.

“Sleep tight, sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow”

“Night dad. See you tomorrow”

*


	11. Ironing Out The Rough Spots

-

At 10am, Peter still wasn’t awake, so Thor went to check on him. He was a little worried and suspicious, because he hadn’t been disturbed during the night.

Peter was fast asleep. Thor gave him a little shake, checking him over. Peter shined and opened his eyes.

“…Hi”

“Hello, sweetheart” Thor said. “It’s ten o’ clock already”

“Oh… Should I get up?”

“I think that would be a good idea”

Peter sat up slowly and pushed the covers back - and stopped.

“Oh” he looked at Thor. “Well, looks like you won’t need to use the washing machine today”

Thor couldn’t help smiling, and he ruffled Peter’s hair. “I suspected you’d had a dry night. Well, why don’t you get dressed? And then we’ll sort you something to eat”

Peter nodded, and Thor left him to it. Peter flopped back on the bed, sighing happily. It was incredible how good it felt not to start the day peeling off wet clothes and throwing them in the washing machine with a wet towel or two. Hopefully this meant that this little problem wouldn’t be bothering him for too much longer.

-

Despite the success of the previous nights meal out, Peter couldn’t help worrying his parents would let him down tonight. In fact, as evening approached, he found he had butterflies in his tummy and he couldn’t completely calm down. He couldn’t even eat his tea, which Thor wasn’t happy about, but he saw how unsettled the boy was and didn’t pressure him to finish. 

-

Just before seven, the doorbell sounded. Peter jumped up, but then thought better of it and looked to Thor. Thor stood up and went to answer the door. Peter followed, but stopped, half-hiding behind the kitchen door frame while Thor opened the door. 

“Tony” Thor said. “Where’s Loki?”

“He’s gonna be here in a bit” Tony said, walking in and pushing the door closed behind him. “He had an appointment to go to, and it’s run over a bit”

“I see” Thor sighed. 

Tony spotted Peter, and smiled, stepping round Thor.

“Hey, sweetheart!” he said. “You got a hug for your old man?”

Peter ran up and gave him a hug, and Tony hugged him tight. 

“Why don’t we go and have a little sit down?”

He took Peter into the living room and they cuddled up onto the sofa together.

“Is daddy really at an appointment?”

“Well, he just left. He texted me just as I got here” Tony said. “He’ll be here soon, don’t you worry”

Peter rested his head against Tony’s chest and decided to trust him.

-

Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Thor went to answer it, closing the living room door behind him. Peter lifted his head, but Tony put his hand on the back of Peter’s head, gently pushing him back down.

“I think your uncle wants to talk to daddy on his own for a bit” he said gently.

Peter huffed a bit, but he settled back down, listening hard in case he caught a snippet of conversation.

-

Loki patted Thor’s back awkwardly.

“You can let go of me now”

“It feels like ages since I last saw you!” Thor said, squeezing him tighter. “I’ve been so worried about you”

“Ow, Thor! You’re actually crushing me”

Thor slowly let go of him. He held him at arms length. 

“How are you doing? Are you actually going to speak to me this time?”

“Not if you speak to me like that” Loki raised an eyebrow. “How’s my son?”

“He’s fine” Thor said. “How are _you_? You look a lot better than you did last time I saw you. You look healthy, actually”

“Thanks”

“How are you, Loki?”

“I’m ok” Loki said. “I’ve turned a corner, I think. Just don’t mention the clinic or I’ll knock your teeth out”

“You’re definitely getting back to your usual self” Thor laughed, hugging him close again and kissing him hard on the cheek. “My lovely brother. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re getting better”

Loki sighed and hugged him back, just for a moment. 

“Let go of me, Thor”

Thor did, but he took Loki’s hand. “I love you, Loki. You know I’m here for you. You can talk to me”

“I know” Loki said. “I love you too”

“You’re definitely ok, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I’m ok” Loki said. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t”

“Good…”

Loki squeezed Thor’s hand and then pulled away from him and headed for the living room.

Peter sat up quickly when Loki came into the room. For a few moments, they just looked at each other in silence, and then Loki sat down beside him.

“Hello, chick”

Peter looked at Tony, and then back to Loki. 

“Hi, daddy”

“Do you want a hug?”

Peter nodded. He expected a little arm around the shoulder, but Loki pulled him onto his lap and hugged him hard. Peter was a little surprised, but he cuddled into him happily. Loki squeezed him, kissing the top of his head and rocking him gently.

“My little boy. My lovely little boy” he murmured. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry”

Peter nuzzled into his chest and started to cry.

“Oh sweetheart!” Tony said. “Are you crying?”

“No!”

“Shh, oh darling” Loki started crying too, just a bit. “I love you so much. I’m sorry about everything that’s happened these last couple of months”

Peter didn’t say anything, but he burrowed further into Loki’s chest. Loki held him as close as he could, closing his eyes and wondering how he’d coped being away from his son for so long.

-

Loki took Peter to bed that night. Peter said goodnight to Tony and had a cuddle with him first, but Tony took a step back and let Loki take the reins for bedtime.

“I said to dad that I’d open this with you tonight” Peter said, picking up the bag beside his bed. “Do you find it weird being back here?”

“A bit” Loki said, looking around the white room. “It’s nice that you’ve got coloured bedding. I never did while I was here. There’s something so sterile about white bedding. Like a hospital. It wasn’t a nice place for me to live”

“Dad said you hated it”

“Let’s just say I didn’t have to take time to think when he asked me to move in with him” Loki sat down beside him. “You don’t have to open it, you know”

“I know, but I feel like I should. I didn’t want to before, but I feel better now”

“Well, I’ll watch, but I’m not going to say anything until you’ve got to the end”

“Ok” Peter nodded. “I might still speak to you, though”

“That’s fine”

Peter didn’t know what to expect when he opened the bag. The first thing he found was a teddy bear, quite a basic one, holding a heart with ‘sorry’ embroidered onto it in swirly lettering. 

“Well, I’m glad I waited” Peter said. “If I’d been given this earlier, I probably would’ve chucked it at someone”

Loki smiled slightly, but he didn’t say anything. Peter found a CD box in the bag. The paper cover had no picture; just a handwritten list. He opened the box, and the disc was a generic one, with ‘Peter’ written on it in Sharpie. He closed the box and read through the index. It was in his parents writing. He looked at Loki questioningly, but Loki didn’t say anything. He put the CD aside and looked in the bag. He found a box of expensive bath salts.

“Just like the ones I ruined when I was a toddler, right?” he said.

He also found a bag of flying saucer sweets, which made him smile. Lastly, there was a red envelope, addressed to him. Loki put his hand over Peter’s.

“Maybe wait and read that another time” he said gently. “If at all”

Peter nodded. He put it back on the bag, along with the sweets and bath salts. He picked up the CD and looked at Loki.

“We… Well, we made it together, me and dad” Loki said. “It’s just a selection of songs we’ve listened to a lot together, things we thought were our songs or otherwise relevant. Maybe you could try having a listen, if you feel up to it. Thor won’t mind you using his stereo”

Peter nodded slowly and put the CD in the bag. He looked at the ‘sorry’ bear, and set it down on the bedside table.

“Thank you…” he said awkwardly. “Um… So…”

“Bedtime” Loki said. “It’s late”

Peter nodded. “I’m gonna go and do my teeth and stuff then”

Loki nodded. “Good boy”

Peter nodded again and quickly excused himself. He took his time in the bathroom, trying to puzzle out how he was feeling. He couldn’t help being curious about what might be in that red envelope - but on the other hand, he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know, especially considering Loki’s obvious reservations about it. Maybe he should leave it.

-

Peter watched Loki closely. He let him put him to bed and tuck him in and help him get comfortable. He seemed much more his daddy now than the silent ghost of himself that had appeared on the last few visits to the flat. It was reassuring, and it almost felt as though the last couple of months hadn’t happened. Almost - but not quite.

“I am sorry, you know” Loki said, smoothing the covers.

“I know. It’s ok. I’m not cross any more. I was upset too, you know, and I know what it meant to you. So I get it, I think. And it’s not like you’ve never left me before. But you didn’t leave me forever” Peter said. “You’re back now, so that’s ok, right?”

Loki winced slightly, but he knew Peter wasn’t being malicious. 

“I love you, darling” he said. “I’m sorry. I’m going to be here for you again now. I let you down, and I’m going to do my best to make sure that never happens again”

Peter pushed the covers back and took Loki’s hand. “I’m going back to school on Monday. Can you take me?”

Loki paused. “We’ll see. I’ll have to check with dad, and Thor”

“Well, how about you pick me up instead? Then you won’t have to get up so early”

Loki squeezed Peter’s hand. “Of course. I’ll sort it; don’t you worry”

“Thanks, daddy”

Peter pulled his hand back, and Loki tucked him in again. He kissed him on the nose, and then on the cheek.

“Goodnight, chick”

“Night, daddy. You’ll come again tomorrow, won’t you?”

“Of course” Loki said. “Now go to sleep”

Peter nodded and settled down, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to risk upsetting Loki by not doing as he was told. Not now everything was going so well.

-

Things continued to go relatively well from there on out. There was still an obvious air of hurt amongst the Stark’s, but they were talking and spending time together every day, starting to heal. They didn’t break their promise to spend time together.

Peter was still staying with Thor, but it was fine; more comfortable now the air was starting to clear. Peter’s night time problem seemed to be improving, which was a relief for both him and Thor, albeit for different reasons. Still, it definitely helped Peter’s overall health, both mental and physical, and Thor noticed the boys anxiety levels decreasing. In turn, Thor started feeling a lot better too.

Peter went back to school on Monday, and getting back to normality was good for him. His friends were excited to see him, and it was nice being around them again, especially when they’d settled down from their excited screaming when he’d walked into the form room. He did wonder if Nigel was going to make a fuss, considering what had happened last time they’d been together, but Nigel just gave him a nod and said it was good to see him. It was a relief, as it meant he was definitely getting back to something familiar and normal - something just the same as always. It didn’t take long for him to feel normal again, and he pretty much knew where he stood schoolwork-wise due to the work he’d done at Thor’s. There were a few bits and bobs he got stuck on, but it only took him a few days to get caught up.

Swim team was another matter. He hadn’t had any opportunity to practice while he’d been at Thor’s, and he felt behind and out of the loop and low on motivation. He went to see Mr Musgrove, and they decided he could take an unofficial step back from the team until he felt ready to get back on board with the team - or leave it altogether. It was a good meeting, and he felt a lot calmer knowing what the options were, and knowing that he wasn’t going to be pressured either way. Still, he decided not to mention it to his dad just yet.

Tony and Loki were getting stronger, and trying to keep themselves busy during the day. Tony was back in the lab, making lots of strange and random things, and tweaking old designs, just for something to do. He delved back into Stark Industries business from the comfort of his laptop, and helped troubleshoot and problem solve and brainstorm over email and instant messaging. In addition, he had a look at his old plans for the swimming pool and the garden balcony, and started thinking of what else he could do to the house. He knew Peter’s friend Flo’s father was an architect who had made some pretty incredible tree houses and play areas and play sets in his time. Maybe he could take a leaf out of his book and have a go at making a playroom for Peter. Well, a den might be a better word. Still, whatever the word, there were definite options and scope for ideas in that department.

Loki wasn’t considering returning to work just yet, although he did talk to Jo Jo for the latest gossip and ward updates, and he talked with other work friends who kept him in the loop about everything. He didn’t feel strong enough to get his scrubs back on, but he found other ways to keep busy. 

After May had died, he’d taken up crochet, a craft he had grown incredibly fast and skilled at. He decided to go back to it, adopting one of the spare rooms as his craft area. He wasn’t sure what to make, so he went and bought a few books when he stocked up on wool, and just worked his way through the pages, avoiding anything to do with babies but making almost everything else. It lead to quite an interesting scene in the spare room, with crochet creations all over the place: little bags, bracelets, scarves, coasters, baskets and throw pillows, and an abundance of crochet toys - everything from people to bears to giraffes to crocodiles. He worked quickly, and he found he was making a lot of little things that didn’t take much time, so he started working on a rug and a blanket. He’d do the rug in the mornings and move onto the blanket mid-afternoon. He didn’t have much else to do, so he could definitely dedicate almost all of his free time to his craft, only really stopping to eat and to see Peter in the evenings. He started to feel like he was actually doing something productive again, even if it was all made out of wool. Still, it was definitely better than the alternative. He also liked that he could do it anywhere, which meant he could sit with Tony and talk while he created, and it was lovely.

-

“I still feel like there should be a type of memorial” Tony said one afternoon. “I mean, I know it’s not the same as a stillborn or a miscarriage or anything like that, but it was still like, you know, a baby that should of been”

“Should have” Loki corrected. “I get it, especially considering we’d named them already. But in all honesty, we only lost the hope and prospect; not an actual baby. We don’t have baby memories the way people who miscarry or lose young babies do. There’s a reason a memorial isn’t fitting”

“Well, don’t you think there should be _something _at least?”

“Maybe” Loki said. “But I don’t know what”

“Loki… You know we could still-”

“No”

-

Tony sat with Peter on the sofa while Loki and Thor talked in the kitchen. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” 

Peter sat up and looked at him. “Ok?”

“But you have to promise you won’t tell daddy, or anyone else”

Peter nodded, but he was starting to feel nervous. Tony swallowed, leaning closer to Peter and lowering his voice.

“I still want to do IVF”

Peter wasn’t sure what to say to that, or what to think. That didn’t sound like it was any of his business.

“…What does daddy say?”

Tony sighed. “He doesn’t want to. Definitely not with Pepper”

“I can see why” Peter said. “…Dad, don’t you think you should give up?”

“But there’s such a clear option in sight! Even if we get a different surrogate-”

“Dad” Peter interrupted. “You know it’ll never happen if daddy doesn’t wanna do it. I don’t really think he’s ever gonna get over this, not 100%, anyway. So it’s probably better if you just stick to your lot”

Tony blinked at him. 

“…When did you get so wise?” he shook his head, sighing. “It’s still a tricky situation, and a sore subject… But I think you’re right. Maybe in another life, eh, kiddo?”

Peter nodded. “At least you’ve got me. I’ll keep you busy”

Tony laughed and hugged him. “Yeah, at least I’ve got you, you little troublemaker”

Peter smiled and cuddled up to him. “Family of three, right, dad?”

Tony nodded. “Family of three”

*


	12. I'm Still Standing

-

The impending normality was almost off-putting in some ways, but in others it was a welcome relief. There were some things that were not quite normal, such as the vast collection of Loki’s crochet work and Tony’s venting notebook, but other things, such as the music and radios playing in all corners of the house, were very much back to normal.

“Do you have to have that turned up so loud?” Tony said, coming into the room with the reading nook one evening.

Loki glanced up. He sighed and turned the volume down on the music player. He paused, and then closed his book and set it aside.

“Loki? Hey, are you alright?” Tony asked, sitting down beside him. 

“It’s too quiet here” Loki said.

Tony blinked a bit. “Not really. We’ve got all the speakers on, haven’t we?”

“I know” Loki said, and he was grateful the house was no longer silent. “But there’s something missing”

Tony gave Loki’s hand a squeeze. “It’s ok, Lolly”

“Is it, though?” Loki looked at him, and sighed. “Ok, things are better, despite... The clinic... But it’s not alright, not really”

“Loki...”

“It isn’t alright” Loki said. “I still want a baby, no matter how impossible it is - although I’m certainly coming to terms with it all. But it’s just that we can’t get back to normal with the house the way it is”

“What do you mean? The house is as perfect as ever, right? Now we’re back up to date with the housekeeping and maintenance and stuff”

“Yes, but there’s something missing”

“What?”

Loki looked at him. “I think you know what”

-

Peter was asleep on the sofa when his parents arrived at Thor’s that evening.

“He’s had a busy day” Thor said, putting an arm out and steering them back towards the kitchen. “Leave him”

“He’ll never sleep tonight if you leave him napping all afternoon” Tony said.

“He’s only been asleep for about ten minutes” Thor said, frowning. “He had a busy patrol this afternoon; let him have a little rest”

“We’ll wake him up in a little while” Loki said, resting a hand on Tony’s arm. “How’s he doing?”

“He’s doing well” Thor said. “He’s had a lot more energy this week. I think he’s enjoying being back at school. I’ve definitely seen a really positive change in him this last couple of weeks”

“Yeah, I bet” Tony said. “He missed his little friends, and I gather he was kinda bored hanging about all day. You know, even though you took him out and stuff”

“His brain is too active; that’s his problem” Thor said. “He needs to keep busy, especially when he’s on edge like he’s been while he’s been staying with me. He’s definitely getting better now, almost back to his usual self. You are too”

Loki and Tony nodded, and exchanged a look.

“See, that’s something we wanted to talk to you about...”

Thor looked at them in silence for a moment. He sat down at the kitchen table, gesturing to the spare seats. He had a feeling he knew what was coming - but he also knew he wouldn’t like it.

Loki and Tony sat down, holding hands and looking nervous.

“What?” Thor said. “Don’t beat about the bush; just tell me straight”

“Well...” Loki and Tony exchanged a look.

“Well, we’re doing a lot better now, and so is Peter” Tony said. “Like you said. We’ve been talking and things are getting back to normal - as much as they can, given the circumstances. Aside from...”

“We think we’re ready to bring Peter home” Loki said.

Thor sighed and nodded. “I imagined you’d say that”

“Why do you look so shocked then?” Tony said, scowling.

“...I suppose I’ve grown used to having the boy around all the time”

“You must’ve known he wouldn’t be here forever though. And hoped it too!”

“I knew, but I didn’t hope. Especially when... Well, some of the things you did made me feel like he’d be better off here” 

“You can’t keep him here forever” Tony growled.

“I’m not saying that” Thor said. He sighed again. “Do you really feel like you can look after him again?”

“We wouldn’t suggest it if we didn’t” Loki said. “We’re ready to bring him home”

Thor looked at his brother, and his brother in law. He sighed once more, unable to help being aggravated that it was always ‘we’.

“Well, it’s not up to me” he said. “And you know what I mean”

“Well then”

Loki stopped, listening. “I think he’s awake”

Tony and Thor looked at him, and sure enough, the kitchen door soon opened.

“Hi, Peter!” Tony grinned.

“Hi, dads” Peter said, rubbing his eyes. “...Am I interrupting?”

“No, you’re fine” Tony said. “How are you doing, kiddo?”

Peter nodded. “...I need a drink”

“I’ll bring you one through” Thor said, standing up. “You can go back to the living room with your dads”

Peter nodded, looking at his parents. He had a feeling something was up, but he wasn’t going to ask, not after everything that had happened lately.

-

Loki sat Peter on his lap on the sofa, and Tony sat close beside them, letting Peter rest his legs over his.

“You’re looking well, darling” Loki said, cuddling Peter close and stroking his curls. “How are you today?”

“I’m good” Peter said. “And... you?”

Loki nodded. “I’m ok”

“And you, dad?” Peter said, looking at Tony.

“I’m good, chick” Tony smiled. 

Peter nodded slightly. He felt funny, on edge. It was a relief when Thor came into the living room and handed him a bottle of pop.

“Thank you” he said. “...Everything’s ok, right?”

“I think your dads wanted to talk to you about something” Thor said, taking a seat on the armchair where he could keep an eye on things. 

Peter looked down at his drink, unsure what to think. He wasn’t certain how he felt about the way Thor was looking at him, as though he was worried, or just plain sad.

“Yeah, Thor’s right” Tony said. 

“Yes, we’ve been talking” Loki said. He looked at Tony, who nodded in his direction.

“You’re coming home this weekend”

As soon as the words passed his lips, the room felt heavy. Peter didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t smile, or say anything, or even look at Tony. He didn’t look at Loki either, or Thor. He just looked down at his bottle of pop, his brow furrowing.

“Peter?”

“Hm?”

“Did you hear me?”

“Yeah...”

“And that’s alright with you?”

“Yeah, course” Peter nodded. 

“We can pick you up on Friday evening or Saturday morning” Loki said. “Which do you prefer?” 

Peter shrugged. “Whatever works best for you, I guess”

Loki kissed him on the temple and hugged him closer.

“We’ll let you know” Tony said. “Anyway, what do you want to do?”

“Can we go for a walk?”

“Sure” Tony said. He looked at Thor. “You coming?”

“...No. I’ll stay here”

-

The distracting little rush of getting shoes and coats together was a welcome distraction for Peter. He felt better when they were outside in the cold. It had grown dark, but the streetlights illuminated the way well.

Feeling a lot better, Peter was happy enough to hold his parents hands when they reached out.

“Are you gonna talk to the press?” he asked after the first quiet ten minutes.

“Why? Don’t you think they interfere enough?”

Peter shrugged. “Well, maybe, but isn’t it better telling people before they find out some other way?”

“What have I told you about talking to the press?” Tony said. 

Peter scowled. True, Tony had told him never to speak to the press, and had often told him to ignore them and their work, and to pretend they didn’t exist, but still.

“Now, enough of the face” Tony said.

“But don’t you think it’d be beneficial? Like, sure, the press can be nasty, but-”

“Peter-”

“Let me finish!” Peter snapped.

“Hey, hey, don’t speak to your father like that” Loki chided. 

Peter scowled at him, but Loki just laughed.

“If looks could kill!” he smiled. “Sorry, darling. What were you saying?”

“I was _saying_, it could be good to like, raise awareness. I mean, you both said there wasn’t really any help for you, and that other people kinda shake things off and don’t take it seriously. Maybe big-name people like you two opening up about it could be helpful for other people going through the same thing, right?”

“Absolutely not” Tony said. “It’s far too personal”

“But-”

“But nothing!”

“Tony, don’t shout at him” Loki said. “Peter, sweetheart. Darling, I know you mean well, and I can see where you’re coming from, but dad’s right: it’s too personal. I don’t want everyone and their dog knowing I can’t have children. It’s our business and no one elses. If someone leaks it to the press, well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. But if I have any control over it, it won’t hit the papers or become common knowledge”

Peter nodded slowly. He understood, mostly, but that didn’t mean he agreed with the decision. Still, he wouldn’t dare leak the story himself: his parents would never trust him again, for one, and for another, he had a feeling he’d end up getting one hell of a smack if they ever found out. Even without love, loyalty, and fear in the equation, that was one hell of a deterrent.

“The weather is definitely starting to turn” Tony said, turning his collar up against the wind. “Autumn is upon us”

“Very nearly” Loki said. “It’ll be Christmas before we know it”

“Are we doing anything for Christmas this year?” Peter asked.

“Believe it or not, we haven’t really been thinking about it, chick” Tony said, sighing irritably. 

Peter scowled. He was starting to feel very irritated himself.

“Probably just a regular Christmas at home” Loki said gently, stroking Peter’s hair. “We’ll have a think a bit nearer the time”

“...Can I have a puppy for Christmas?”

“No!” Tony snapped. “You’ve been asking for years, and I’ve always said no, to you as well as daddy. Stop trying your luck!”

“Stop having a go at me, then!”

“I’m not having a go at you, you little-”

“Stop it, both of you!” Loki said firmly. “Give it a rest. And here I was thinking things were starting to get better! Come on now”

Peter huffed and tugged his hands away from his parents.

“Don’t get stroppy, Peter” Tony sighed. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing! What’s gotten into _you_?!”

“I told you to stop!” 

“He started it!” Peter and Tony shouted.

“You both started it, and you’re both being foolish” Loki said. “Now give it a rest before I shove you both into a lake to cool off”

“We’re nowhere near a lake” Tony said.

Loki gave him a little push, and he lost his balance and stumbled into a large puddle, nearly falling over. Peter spluttered and burst out laughing. Tony wasn’t so amused.

“I’m gonna have wet socks for the rest of the night now!” he exclaimed. He looked up, frowning at Peter. “Well, at least one of us finds it funny”

“You looked so shocked!” Peter giggled.

Tony huffed, looking at his wet shoes. He looked at Loki accusingly, but Loki just laughed. Tony raised an eyebrow, and then he laughed too, just a little bit.

“You’re just lucky I decided to wear my trainers tonight and not brogues” he said, shaking his head and straightening up. He ruffled Peter’s hair roughly. “You’re a cheeky little bugger, you know”

“Where do you think I get it from?”

Tony feigned offence. “I swear you were way more polite before you came to live with us”

“Yes, you’re both a terrible influence” Peter said. “May would be horrified”

Tony’s smile fell. He sighed and rested a hand on Peter’s head for a moment. Peter looked at him, one corner of his mouth turned down.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just... Nothing”

“I don’t believe you” Peter said, pushing his hand away. “ Remember your old rule of not keeping stuff to ourselves?”

“It’s just... Well, I often wonder what May would think if she could see how things have turned out. I can’t imagine this is what she’d expect. Or want. Not for you”

“We’ve had the May-trusted-you conversation too many times, and I don’t want to talk about it again, not ever” Peter grumbled, stepping closer to Loki and taking his hand again. “It’s not like talking is gonna give me my old life back”

“Peter’s right” Loki said. “We’ve talked that one topic of conversation to death. We’re trying to move on now; not go backwards. Shall we be sensible for once and focus on the future instead of the past?”

Tony sighed, but nodded. “That’s probably a good idea”

“Yes, I have a few of those”

Peter looked at his parents. He didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt very disconnected from them, like they weren’t really his dads. Like he didn’t belong with them. He felt that maybe he didn’t. He wasn’t even sure he really wanted to go home again. He’d grown used to being at Thor’s. It was much more normal living there: a modest living like the one he’d had with May - although of course he was still at a rich kids school. But that aside... Well, home felt like such a far away thought, a distant memory, that he wasn’t sure he’d ever settle back in. He wanted to stay at Thor’s, or go back in time, back to the flat in Queens with May. He didn’t want to go home with Tony Stark.

Loki Stark was another matter. Maybe it was his continued silence over this whole horrible happening, but he felt more comfortable with him. Perhaps, despite his best efforts, Tony had overshared and told Peter too much that wasn’t really his business. Peter knew Tony still wanted a baby (well, Loki did too), and that he still saw traditional IVF, with or without Pepper, as a good and viable option - despite full knowledge that Loki would never agree, much less go for it. He also knew that Tony was back at AA, although the details on that matter were hazy. Even the hazy details were too much.

Peter had a feeling Loki had ended up at an AA meeting or two, but he wasn’t sure, and he didn’t _want_ to be sure. He liked not knowing. He’d gone through his own hurt at the loss of being a big brother, of having Princess May Stark or Oliver Anthony Stark scrawled onto the list of Stark household residents. He’d been so ready for it, almost as excited as his parents, and it was hard when he found out about Loki’s results. But he’d worked through it and liked to think he’d accepted it. He supposed, in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t really make much difference to him. He felt they could get back to normal, with just the heavy reminder of Loki’s top drawer to deal with.

Loki had definitely had the worst time out of everyone, and Peter knew that even without all the evidence and conversations he’d overheard, both intentionally and otherwise. But Loki hadn’t really spoken, especially not to Peter. He’d been quiet for a lot of the first visits after the weeks both his parents were absent from his life, sometimes even going the whole evening without speaking. Now he did speak, but he didn’t really speak much, and he didn’t vent in front of Peter the way that Tony did. Maybe the anonymity of Loki’s thought processes was why Peter felt like maybe he wouldn’t mind going home with him, but not with Tony. Or maybe having the news landed on him without so much as a maybe or a “would this be ok?” had thrown him off kilter, and that was why he was feeling so reluctant to go back to the house.

Who knows? Maybe he’d feel excited about it on Friday. Or maybe he’d get home and spend hours sobbing into his pillow.

-

Peter was grateful for Thor coming into his room that evening after Loki and Tony had gone home.

“I saw your face when you parents told you about the weekend” he said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Mm...”

“What are you thinking?”

“I don’t want to go home. Do I have to?”

Thor sighed sadly. “I think you do, little one. They’re your parents, after all. You were never supposed to stay here permanently, and I can’t exactly fight them if they decide it’s time to take you home. I think they’re ready to look after you again”

“I don’t think I fit with them. I know they say otherwise, but I feel like they’re still gonna look at me and think about what they could’ve had if daddy wasn’t infertile”

“I think you’re reading too much into it, little Peter. They’re working through things, and they’re doing really well. Leave them to finish that by themselves, but let them look after you” Thor said. “...You know, Tony was devastated when he dropped you off here that night. I know things went south very quickly after that, but once he started visiting again, you could tell how much he missed you. Loki too... You’ll have to go home eventually, so may as well go sooner rather than later”

“Why? I don’t care if they’re my parents. If they can bin me off whenever they like, why can’t I bin _them _off whenever _I_ want to?”

“It doesn’t work like that, and you know it”

“Well maybe it should” Peter scowled. “If I don’t want to go home, I shouldn’t have to. It’s not like they _own _me”

“Not exactly, no, but they are responsible for you, and they have custody over you. You have to live with your parents. They’re good parents, Peter. I thought you’d be excited to go home”

“So did I” Peter said. “But I’m not. I don’t want to go back. I like it here. With you”

“I like having you here, too. But I’m not your dad. Technically, in human law, I have no rights over you”

“You’re my uncle though. May was my aunt, and her and my uncle Ben got custody of me”

“Yes, but only because your first parents were dead. It’s not the same” Thor flung an arm round Peter’s shoulders. “You’ll be ok once you get there. It’s the thought of going back that’s getting to you. They always say the thought is worse than the reality. Besides, we’ll still see each other, and you can come to stay whenever you like”

Peter didn’t feel reassured, but he also didn’t feel like talking anymore. He leant against Thor so he didn’t have to look him in the face. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes.

“Maybe I’ll take up singing or something”

-

Tony sat down beside Loki on the bed.

“I’ve gotta admit, I didn’t expect to find you looking at these” Tony said, looking at the little white baby sleepsuit, the tiny fluffy teddy bear, and the wooden rattle.

“I didn’t expect to sit looking at them” Loki said. “I especially didn’t expect to find myself looking at them and not feeling like hiding my head and crying”

“No, me neither... So, how _do _you feel?”

“...I feel ok” Loki said. “Peaceful. Humbled, perhaps... We’ve got these things because all three of us have absolutely no self control. We couldn’t resist them, even though we’d agreed not to buy anything until conception”

“What are we going to do with them? Pepper donated all those pregnancy books she bought”

“I think Pepper has always been much more practical and efficient than us - and far less chaotic. And, dare I say it, far less sentimental”

Tony nodded. “Well, I think you’re right there. So, where do you want to put these?”

“I’m not sure yet. I think we need a little box. I can’t keep them in my bedside table: I’d have to see them far too often, and it would be too constant a reminder. Of course, it could make me desensitised to them, but I’m not entirely sure that’s what I want. I can still be sad about it without letting it consume me”

“You and me both, chick” Tony said. “I’ve got a bunch of little wooden boxes down in the workshop. We could put them in one of those boxes, maybe... Maybe write the names we chose on it or something. And store it away. With all those other things we can’t let go of, but don’t really want to see all the time”

Loki thought for a moment, tracing the stitching on the sleepsuit with his finger.

“I think that’s a good idea”

“Yeah?”

Loki looked up, and smiled slightly. “Yeah”

“This stuff is cute” Tony said. “It’s... It’s really sad what happened”

“Yeah...” Loki picked up the rattle, giving it a little shake. He touched the little teddy gently. “We’d have been good at this, if we’d been given the chance”

“You’d’ve been great. I mean, you’re a nurse, working with babies all the time. You’d’ve been the best baby daddy going” Tony said. “I like to think we’d’ve made a good go of it”

Loki smiled sadly. “It’s a shame”

“Yeah. There’s still options, you know”

“Not from where I’m standing”

Tony nodded slightly, swallowing hard. “Well, we gave it a go - making a baby, that is 0 and there’s no denying that one... I’ll be back in a minute”

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back in a minute” Tony repeated.

He returned shortly, holding two wine glasses and a large glass bottle.

“Strictly non-alcoholic, don’t worry” Tony said, noting the dismayed look on Loki’s face.

He sat back beside him on the bed, handing a glass to Loki. He opened the bottle of elderflower presse, and poured a glass for Loki, and then one for himself.

“This” he said, screwing the lid back on the bottle with some difficulty, as he only had one hand free to do it with. “Is to us” he clinked his glass against Loki’s. “Because we gave it a good go, and after what we did and went through after those results, we’ve come out of the other side. Sober, clean house, and ready to box these up, store them away, and bring our son home”

Loki was quiet for a moment, but then he found himself smiling. He clinked his glass against Tony’s and let out a contented, relieved sigh.

“Here’s to us. Still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces...”

“Still standing” Tony nodded, taking a sip and raising his glass once more. “Here’s to the next adventure”

*

*

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to finish, and thank you everyone for reading! As always, comments welcome.
> 
> Also, if anyone has any ideas of what they want to see/happen in my Christmas frostiron and spiderson fic, please comment below! I'm a little bit stuck so I'm open to any suggestions!
> 
> Thanks again


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